Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

NO!

The dinner lady burst out laughing, gave me a 'Get to fuck' look and then sailed off with the last couple of slices 🤣🤣

I felt sorry for the kid opposite who looked really scared!

I really want to know if you got some!

You say I am well known for actually being quite forthright and not pulling punches in any given situation but what I hear is I am incredibly rude and everyone probably says this behind my back

There are numerous times you actually should pull your punches, and it's really sad that you seem to see the fact that you don't as some kind of medal of honour.

When I was about 6 years old, we were all sat in the dinner hall at school and there was leftover cake, so the dinner ladies asked who wanted seconds.

When there were only one or two slices left, I put my hand up and said "Miss, the doctor says I have to have more cake otherwise I could get very ill and die!" 🙈😂😂

If this is very out-of-character behaviour, I think you’ve just discovered your husband’s red line, after a long time of dealing with your mental health needs (and his own problems, by the sound of it). You won’t put up with lying, he won’t put up with being interrogated over a birthday card to the point of insisting that you look at his emails to prove he’s lying.

If this is not out of character, then it sounds like you should have left him a long time ago and the lying over a birthday card is the least of it.

Nobody owes you complete honesty in even the most trivial matters. Your husband apparently cares about your feelings, isn't that what matters?

If people lie about small things then they will probably lie about big things

Absolutely not. I have never told a big lie. Not once. I haven't even told a medium sized lie. I am well known for actually being quite forthright and not pulling punches in any given situation. But, even with my uber honesty, I know that sometimes it is better to drop the "did you not get my email?" line, than to say "sorry, I completely forgot about you" Nobody wants to feel they are unimportant.

I was wondering how OP will react as her child ages and engages in lying (as every child does)?

I told absolute whoppers.

@TheClawDecides yes I've noticed she hasn't answered any of those questions, they've been completely avoided.

It's quite telling really I think.

While understandable to some extent it is incredibly difficult to live with someone where one is walking on eggshells continually afraid one might inadvertently say something which is both totally reasonable and acceptable to the vast majority of people. I dont think it's possible to build a long lasting relationship in that situation. You sound, maybe unfairly, as if you are constantly looking for examples of "lies".

Also, it seems all about you and the need for everyone to understand your experience, your needs etc. It just sound's miserable, probably use for both of you if I'm honest

Given that the OP has ignored every single poster who's asked if she's ever told a white lie, I can't see her answering any of this.

I was wondering the same. I wonder if OP allows her son to believe in Santa / tooth fairy / Easter bunny? If so, and I hope she does, then by admission she tells white harmless lies.

If she doesn't let her son believe in those things due to her stance on 'white lies' then I feel extremely sorry for the child, as the OPs trauma is now affecting her husband and her son, when it has nothing to do with them.

I also think the OPs trauma could be pushing her husband away. I wouldn't put up with this forever if it were me.

In this scenario it's easy to focus in the things that are true...how much you appreciate the surprise and all the effort that has gone into it with no need to lie or hurt anyone's feelings.

Also known in psychology as misdirection.

"What does he look like?"
"He's got a lovely personality"

He has asked how the food is and you've essentially said "it's the thought that counts" You think that doesn't hurt?

All those times you think you are being honest by making a lie of omission, just be aware, you have hurt people.

People will rarely be 100% honest. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Exactly and especially as the OP states... I have severe and complex mental health issues.

This makes it even more likely, if only for the sanity of the person living them.

being honest is an unrealistically high demand? Wtf?

Expecting someone to be 100% honest 100% of the time is unrealistic and I'm surprised you'd want that.

You: "How do you think I look in this dress, that I think is lovely?"
Him: "you look terrible, your arse is huge, and you look like a hooker"

You'd be happy with that rather than "I'm not sure it's the right cut / colour for you"?

I'm surprised your therapist hasn't been working with you on this kind of thing. People will rarely be 100% honest. And there is nothing wrong with that.

it’s my birthday tomorrow and usually he’s very on the ball with cards etc and he said to me oh your card hasn’t arrived. I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up and he said there was an option to delay delivery (bullshit) and that he panicked and hit that. I knew from his body Language he was lying

If you didn't care about the card, why wouldn't your response be "oh don't worry about it, it will turn up"

Why did you push him "well, did you order it on time? Are you sure?" This is the bit that sounds unreasonable to me. Maybe he forgot, maybe he thought he had done it but didn't (I was convinced I had ordered a specific gift for my daughter but somehow I didn't.🤷‍♀️)

Perhaps the reason he chose a white lie is because he knows what sort of reaction he would get by saying he forgot.

Exactly this x1000

This. Have you considered counseling for yourself? Your standards are rather extreme.

It's not on him to manage your emotional issues. That's for a trained professional to help you with.

OP, you do seem to be clinging on to your obsession with lies. Because in your eyes honesty is always good, you simply won't acknowledge the concept of the well-intentioned white lie and you bracket all lying in the same category. I'm sorry about your husband's attitude this morning, but in a way I can see how he feels that he is being blamed for nothing more than trying to avoid hurting you and the only person who has spoilt your birthday is you. You can remember one occasion recently when you stepped up for him, but you expect him to step up to ridiculously high standards for you all the time, and then make a massive deal of the fact that the poor man isn't perfect.

You need a conversation where you acknowledge that this is very much your issue, not his, and you need to talk to your psychiatrist about concentrating on this aspect of your MH difficulties, because if you don't you are never going to be able to keep relationships going and you risk pushing everyone you love away from you.

The thing is, you are so annoyed and upset at his behaviour (a little white lie) that you can’t see your own, you’ve excused your behaviour because you are triggered by the (largely insignificant) lie but perhaps your husband is triggered by your interrogation.

You have commented on his continuing behaviour this morning but can’t see how your behaviour spiralled during the argument. In your situation I understand you not being happy with the initial lie but you could have ended the conversation with ‘you know I find it difficult when someone lies to me so I hope you are telling the truth’ and leave him time to sort out a card but you didn’t, you kicked off and searched his phone for a confirmation email. Can’t you see that’s going too far?

@Pitypartayfor1 how old is your son? Does he/did he ever believe in Santa?

I'm sorry to hear about the other problems you posted about OP, you both sound as though you're at the end of your tethers.

But I will double down and ask, have you ever lived with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder?

I have, and I would challenge anyone to not tell that person white lies at times just to keep the peace/placate them.

The mood swings, the self-pitying behaviour, the unregulated emotions, the sheer paranoia can be absolutely exhausting.

I'd bet my house there's not a person in the land living with someone like this, who hasn't told a white lie for that person's own good and for their own mental health protection.

@ThatRareUmberJoker are you taking the piss? 😂

He feels cornered, badgered, attacked, by your relentless determination to pin guilt on him for his trivial lie. Frankly I think I would feel like that too.

I understand that you have a problem with lying, and he knows this. But it is just that, your problem. All you've written about in your posts is your own problems and needs (and now you are feeling sorry for yourself because he is annoyed with you on your birthday. Don’t you think that’s a bit childish?) Is he allowed to have any needs himself? What if one of his needs is to not be interrogated and checked up on about everything he says, or pulled up about every single trivial fib?

Let it go. It wasn’t a serious lie. You know in theory that the real problem here is your own background, causing you to attach far more importance to this issue than it merits, yet somehow that hasn't translated into how you behave. A marriage or partnership needs give and take on both sides, accepting each other's minor foibles, even the ones we dislike.

You’ve said he is usually supportive so focus on that. I think you need to be careful - tbh it sounds as if you might be driving him away.

Sorry OP but your posts reek self-pity. And you seem to not want to accept any blame for ruining your own birthday.

I wouldn't be in the mood to celebrate it either if you had treated me like that.