Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

Sorry @HollyKnight I took from you saying "I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me" to mean that you thought the same should be true for OP.
It would be horrible if anyone on this thread had told OP she deserved to be lied to because she is struggling with her mental health. But noone has said that. Most posters have said that everyone lies sometimes so it's not reasonable to demand no white lies ever even if you have mental health issues triggered by dishonesty. One or two have asked if the reson OP's DH may have panicked and lied is because of her symptoms, which I think is trying to help understand what went wrong, not justify anything.
IMO it's not really about whether white lies are ok. It's about OP being able to trust that her husband is not her ex, and is not going to abuse her like her ex did. Trauma is hard and missing out on good things today because of what was done to us yesterday is no good. The best revenge is living an awesome life, and all that.

Excuse me? I did nothing of the sort. How about you have a word with all the people who are telling her that she deserves to be lied to because she is mentally ill. Because apparently mentally ill people aren't allowed to have boundaries nor be upset when those boundaries are trampled on and should in fact just be grateful that their husbands are even with them. Don't you think that is damaging and dangerous for a vulnerable person to hear hmm?

@HollyKnight "Yes, I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me."
Please don't encourage the OP to break up with her husband over this slip up on his part.
I think she's very vulnerable, and alot could go wrong for someone in her situation taking advice from people on the internet.
@Pitypartayfor1 if it's any encouragement, I was diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist in my early 20s and, in my mid 40s now, I no longer meet any of the diagnostic criteria.
A stable, loving partnership with my now husband has been a big part of my healing. I rekon hang in there with your bloke. I hope the birth goes well and you're well supported post-partum.

I think I would have lied in this scenario too. All this fuss over something so trivial. It sounds like a lot of unnecessary pressure that you put him under. Do you ever consider the effect of your "boundaries" on your DH, or just think about yourself?

"I should’ve mentioned I’m currently being assessed for borderline personality disorder. I know I react very very badly to trivial things". My sister as BPD and freaks out about the smallest things. She demonizes and idolizes people. Swings back and forth. When dealing with her you have to lie otherwise she will have a meltdown. After decades of putting up with her mood swings I stopped talking to her. OP, it should have been your husband posting here. He is the one I feel sorry for. Dealing with someone with BPD sucks the life out of you. I say kudos to you for seeking help though.

F' me, all this over a card.

I recently lied to my wife. She rang asking if I could suggest a good time for her to take the remaining couple of days of leave she had.

i told her a couple of dates, explaining that I’d also took them, just cos they were the only dates free, and if she took them too we could get the decorating we had planned done.

the truth was I’d booked them cos I’d bought a weekend away for us as part of her Xmas gifts and I wanted it to be a surprised.

OP, would this have impacted you if it were your husband? I don’t ask to judge, but to suggest that if it doesn’t, or doesn’t so much because you understand the need for me to both ensure she had time off for the trip while also ensuring she’d have a surprise she’d love for Xmas, then you may have a starting point for identifying the times that a loving and trustworthy partner may not be 100% honest.

my wife did similar last year, telling me she couldn’t afford something she knew I’d love, but then buying it for me.

i guess what I mean is what matters is the intention behind the lie, and while you may be a long way off being able to emotionally process that difference, starting to rationalise it logically as an acceptable concept, is the a stepping stone to progress.

Don't deny how painfully difficult it is to live with a severely mentally ill pregnant woman 🤷‍♂️

There's simply no need for it just because you want to appear 'right'.

Don't use someone's mental health as an excuse to betray them. There was simply no need for it. He could easily have gone out and bought a card instead of creating some ridiculous and pointless lie. Do you really think her upset about getting a Tesco card instead of a Funkypigeon card would be worse than what lying to her has caused? Where is his integrity?

Not everyone lies so casually to their loved ones.

Not everyone lives with a pregnant woman who has severe and complex mental health issues.

But you carry on ignoring that if it makes you feel superior.

Yes, I have the right to say I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who will casually lie to me. I have the right to want honesty in a partner. If my partner doesn't agree with that then he can walk away. What he doesn't get to do is ignore my boundaries because he thinks what he wants is more important.

When I ask for the truth, it's because I want the truth. I only ask questions I want an honest answer to. None of that "What do you think of my hair/coat/shoes?" crap. I don't care what people think about those things. Thankfully the people most important to me are honest people (or extremely good liars) because I have never doubted their answers and they know they will get nothing but honesty from me if they ask. Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to and don't give your opinion without being asked. I don't know why that is so hard for people to understand or do.

I'd rather the people closest to me know they can trust me rather than wonder if I'm lying to them. I get that (it seems) most people don't value honesty in the same way. And that's fine. But you're wrong to act like you are morally superior just because you are in the majority. Not everyone lies so casually to their loved ones.

Telling white lies is part of human nature as the vast majority of people on this thread have also said.

Do you think you have the right to marry someone and dictate what they can and can't do because of your past relationships?

Do you think the OP had the right to check her husband's emails?

But most of all do you think that if you lived with someone with 'severe and complex mental health issues', under the care of a psychiatrist you would never ever tell them a white lie to keep them calm, especially when they're pregnant and there's a child already in the house?

You think you have the right to lie to people who don't want you to lie to them?

If you're going to tell us you've never told a white lie to your partner/kids/friends/family to spare their feelings, or for any other reason, that in itself would be a lie.

Gosh. It's wild how many posters think people have the right to lie to their partners. That sense of entitlement does not override a partner's right to have boundaries. It's the same attitude people who cheat have. My right to do something I want is more important than my partner's boundaries.

But you did make it a big deal. You said ‘I said did you not just order it with my Christmas card like he usually does and he said yes but it didn’t arrive. I said sure you followed the Christmas card up’.

He’s usually on the ball with greeting cards so I would have cut him slack instead of asking him repeatedly.

So this isn't a massive issue. As it's something that triggers you, you should be seeking help on how to cope better in these situations. Not expecting everyone to bend to your will . This is your issue to address not his.

Ah a rational and calm response to being critiqued by the posters you wanted sympathy from. This tells me everything.

Sorry but it's your responsibility to deal with your issues. He's allowed to fib to cover up a mistake, there is an allowance of lies between partners, friends, parents and children and to cover up forgetting your card, he should be allowed to fib before he rushes out to get you a card.

@BigMingeEnergy no the issue began because the husband lied. If he hadn't lied it wouldn’t have happened.

The OP created *

I'd genuinely think about if you want to stay with someone who calls you mental especially regarding a situation they created.

That's great, OP. Have a lovely rest of your day 🙂

And many of us have counselling for things in our past, it doesn't make us 'mentally ill'.

The OP's own words....

I have severe and complex mental health issues.

It's not petty at all.

The OP either recognises that white lies are ok under some circumstances or they're not.