Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

She didn't care about the card. She said it herself repeatedly. She wouldn't have cared or even reacted if he said he forgot. She reacted only because he lied.

OP said repeatedly she didn't care about the card. It was the lying.

You have to decide what’s important to you. The love and care of your husband and family or living in this fantasy world where you hunt down and humiliate everyone who doesn’t tell you the seering, white truth, whatever that is. Your husband is allowed to be human. You are behaving like the stasi. I don’t think you could live by your own rules. No one can. You need to think hard about the future you want to inhabit.

This!

You have deeper issues than this white lie

sort yourself out it’s odd and controlling

As someone with my own lifetime of MH problems, abuse in childhood and also from an ex, you sound exhausting. If you don’t change your ways, you will end up alone. Your behaviour is extremely unreasonable. Work on yourself. Stop projecting and punishing other people for things they had nothing to do with. It’s toxic.

to protect himself from her (over)reaction. And to protect her from her (over)reaction

He didn't lie to protect her feelings. He lied to protect himself.

But he lied to protect her feelings. She'd have been offended/annoyed/disappointed if she'd known he didn't buy her a card (as indeed she was, when she found out). Whereas if they could blame Evri or whatever then she wouldn't have been offended. So it was (from his pov) for her benefit.

I totally get how one little white lie can feel like a let down because you think if they can causally lie about one thing, then what else are they going to lie about .
Having said that it’s not really a lie , it’s a mistruth out of panic and like other posters have said it feels a bit disproportionate to respond the way you have . You’re setting yourself and him to fail because no one can adhere to these exacting standards at all times . He knows he’s been silly but that’s all it is really a bit of a silly mistake.

Bull. Lying to a child about fairy stories is not for their benefit.

People just can't understand why it's so important to be honest. It's like honesty is a disposable attribute. For me, it's mega. I really get the spiral thing. I really get how it makes you react. And I get it about the daft husband who thinks they are helping by doing it when really it helps no one.
But for me, my birthday is often forgotten, 28th Dec, and I feel unwanted when my nearest and dearest forget. This leads to being pissed off even further by futile things. Just wondered if you are the same?

Notoriously?

The difference between lying about Santa and the OP's husband lying to her is that his lie was not for her benefit, unlike the "magic" is for a child. He lied for his benefit.

@ThatRareUmberJoker This comment is an illustration of my final sentence above. Regardless of the mental health issues of the abuser, the traumatic impact of abuse on the victim remains the same.

I addressed the OP’s mental health issues in the comment to which you initially responded.

You’re certainly entitled to think that other comments are ‘more valuable’. I personally think that helping the OP realise that her conduct is unacceptable (which she didn’t prior to this thread) is extremely valuable. As previously stated, poor mental health may be the reason for abusive behaviour, but it doesn’t stop it being abuse or lessen its impact on its victim.

What you have said doesn't address the ops mental health issues she's under a psychiatrist so it's serious. I think the posters who have stories to tell of growing up with a parent with serious MH issues is more valuable to the op.

My mother was very abusive during her episodes. There was no accountability or apologies afterwards. Whenever I tried to distance myself after her verbal and psychological assaults, she would make known to me (or pretend) that she was feeling sick or suicide to rope me back in. Whenever I complied, the suicide idealisation was strangely gone. Clever way for her to control me. She was also selective in who she inflicted it upon. Definite bpd. Has improved in her old age but I am traumatised,and a part of me won't miss her when she is gone.

Do you feel remorse for what you do to others? Honest question. Or do you forget about what's done when everything appears to be back to normal?

I’m very sorry your parents were unkind, but that doesn’t really address anything I’ve said.

My parents were mean when I was a child I believed up until a certain age. Waiting for Santa to drop one present I got nothing. My parents never endorsed Christmas because they were mean.

Yup! A surprising (to me) number of people feel very strongly about it and are apparently against lying to their children about anything (my parents didn’t do Santa because they think it’s stupid, the lying element didn’t come into it at all). It’s actually rather interesting that the OP isn’t one of them.

If you’re just going to repeat yourself, I will do the same.

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach. So, no, a child will not ‘instantly believe’ and it’s not a ‘pointless argument’.

OP has made the choice to lie to her kids about something because (to quote her) it would be cruel not to. So, she is able to recognise that sometimes people tell lies because they believe them to be necessary or required. This is inconsistent with her previously stated black and white belief that all lies are bad/unacceptable.

Like I said above if a child wants to believe they will regardless of what their parents say until they understand the world around them. I never told my son God gave birth to him but he believed it.

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach.

Yes, nearly 14 years on Mumsnet have taught me lots of parents see it as 'telling lies', so they simply don't do it.

Lots of people don’t do Santa. My parents didn’t, lots of my friends don’t. If you search MN threads on the topic, you will find that this isn’t an uncommon approach. So, no, a child will not ‘instantly believe’ and it’s not a ‘pointless argument’.

OP has made the choice to lie to her kids about something because (to quote her) it would be cruel not to. So, she is able to recognise that sometimes people tell lies because they believe them to be necessary or required. This is inconsistent with her previously stated black and white belief that all lies are bad/unacceptable.