Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

I have a big problem with lies. Growing up in a family where everyone told the truth (apart from the usual white lies) I was totally unprepared for a person like my exdh! He is a compulsive liar - dd2 said he's a pathological liar. In fact if he opens his mouth I know he's lying. That level of lying really messes with you and I must admit being very sensitive to any of my 4dc lying. I think I should be assessed to see if I'm ND (it runs in my family) but I still believe what people say (except exdh) and time and time they are lying.

And you don’t see it clearly at the time! Relationships aren’t easy but we can learn from these things and get better. That’s what loving partners should do

The way she's behaving that's probably what will happen. I wonder how she deals with children lying?

Again I reiterate the point that I don’t understand why people are dishonest…

You've made this very clear with your limited experience.

Fair enough, your experience doesn't match that of the OP's husband.

I haven’t come here to get into a confrontation with anyone but respond to the OP. Again I reiterate that him telling her a lie has clearly caused her more anxiety and upset.

I am carer for my mother who has complex health needs including her mental health. Any lie will cause her a lot of distress and anxiety so I am always honest with her even if she may not like the answer as this is far easier to manage and less distressing for her. Again I reiterate the point that I don’t understand why people are dishonest…

And yet you can't understand why someone in the OP's husband's position might tell a white lie?

Experience obviously varies but you should at least be able to imagine this.

I was just trying to add my point. I have a lot of experience with complex mental health actually thanks so thanks for that…

So do you NEVER lie? A friend asks if they look nice but they don't, someone cooks for you and asks if you like it but you don't, you get a gift that you don't particularly like etc etc. surely politeness means you would lie?

For me I don’t understand how someone can or will tell a blatant lie when they don’t need to!

But can you understand why someone living with a partner who has 'severe complex mental health issues' might tell a white lie? Especially when they're also pregnant and there's a 3 year old in the house?

If not, I'm genuinely pleased for you and I don't mean that sarcastically either.

But for the rest of us who have been in that position, it can be very very difficult indeed.

You need to work on differentiating between the kinds of lies that have caused you trauma in the past and this kind of thing. There will always be little white lies of zero significance or for kindness reasons.

I just wanted to add that actually I cannot stand lying either- and haven’t experienced someone’s lies and they gaslighting me (the father of my now adult child) I understand your strong response. For me I don’t understand how someone can or will tell a blatant lie when they don’t need to!

@Nessastats because she interrogated him then blew up when he tried to spare her feelings about the card. Claiming the card wasn’t a big deal but pushing for an answer about it says the opposite.
it’s awful to suffer with MH problems but it’s not ok to treat others badly because of them.

You are being very unreasonable.
I understand that your background has made you very suspicious. But at some point everyone is less than 100% truthful. There is a difference between a serious lie and a white lie aimed to spare someone's feelings. You put him on the spot by continuing to ask him about the card. He felt attacked and didn't want you to think he had forgotten. Sometimes you have to just let things go

Sorry I’ve missed the name calling bit.

Thank god someone else sees it too.

If she'd posted about her husband's reaction first and foremost and didn't mention her own mental health problems and her past in such detail, she would have got a million different replies rightly pointing out that him name calling, using her mental health against her and throwing the flowers at her is abusive. Instead she's been called the abuser just because she sniffed out a lie.

All from people who i expect would be pissed off if their husband lied to them, she's supposed to be ok with it but they wouldn't be!

His reaction is way more abusive than hers.

All she did was catch him in a lie. He's been name calling.

This thread really is showing the worst of Mumsnet. There's absolutely no tolerance at all for disabled people or those with mental health illnesses or conditions.

Agreed, in fact, there are people gleefully using her (suspected) BPD against her to gaslight and victim-blame her. Not wanting your husband to lie to you is not unreasonable. Not wanting to wake up on your BIRTHDAY, of all days, to him shouting at and abusing you and throwing flowers at you is not unreasonable. People are ignoring/justifying his abusive behaviour but are attacking the OP for simply not wanting her husband to lie. Perhaps OP should (or should have, now) have asked for this to be moved to Relationships rather than Vipers/AIBU. The replies on here are batshit fucking crazy. I haven't seen such gaslighting, such DARVO and such victim-blaming on here in a long time.

I’m glad you are getting support for your mental health OP. On reading your posts I worry your behaviour towards your partner is controlling and abusive and I think you need to work on that rather than on changing him.

She's under the care of a psychiatrist. What makes you think she's not working on it? She's also explained she's awaiting a diagnosis for BPD. It's very easy for you to say relax. How can she relax out of previous trauma and a possible disability? Her partner is with her knowing her past, and knowing that she can't handle being lied to. He agreed to that. If he can't hack it, he's free to walk away at any time.

Expecting her partner not to lie to her for no reason at all isn't unreasonable. Most people wouldn't accept their partner lying to them. He could and should have just said sorry i forgot to get a card I'll get one in the morning.

This thread really is showing the worst of Mumsnet. There's absolutely no tolerance at all for disabled people or those with mental health illnesses or conditions.

Yup. If your partner fears your reaction to things you are not in a good place.

Or maybe OP needs to work on her issues and ultimately relax a bit rather than expecting everyone else to adjust their behaviour around her?

YANBU I can't stand lying. DP do not lie to eachother, even about tiny things. We were both in abusive gaslighting relationships previously and it does change how it affects you.

This!! Omg we are totally missing the point sometimes as humans. We’re flawed, that’s how it works. If you can’t forgive that or discuss it rationally without forensic investigation into everything that puts the other person on permanent eggshells then something has gone VERY wrong.

Thank you for reminding me of that film though, I’ll rewatch it and treat is a pre cursor to Afterlife with a new lens

Exactly this, been there! Spot on

Ok, nevemind Father Christmas as it’s a kids thing but white lies amongst adults are actually mostly seen as a positive thing to spare other people’s feelings. Try to think of it that way, OP. If your colleague made a mistake at work and was panicking saying “Oh no, I’ve fucked up, I’m going to be in so much trouble” Do you say “Yes, you are” or do you say “It’s going to be ok…”. If your 20 stone friend is moaning about their weight saying “Ugh I look sooo fat” do you say “Yes, you are fat”? If someone’s hair looks a mess, or they have a big spot or their outfit is ugly? OP, you should watch the movie The Invention of Lying, where Ricky Gervais realises he’s the only person in the world who is capable of telling lies- everyone else is totally blunt all the time (and no one is offended due to being used to it) but when it comes to visiting his Mum on her death bed in hospital, when she says she’s scared of dying all the non-liars are blunt and say “nothing to be scared of, when you die that’s it, there’s nothing else after and your body will be buried” but Ricky’s character who can lie tells her there’s an afterlife and she’ll see her dead husband again etc and she’s comforted by that and passes with more ease. I know it’s a lighthearted film, but I am an atheist who doesn’t believe in any afterlife but in that moment in that film I really understood why people invest in the idea of it and if my loved one was distressed about dying at the end of their life, I’d be pulling the white lies out about them getting eternal life with God. The point I’m trying to make is that white lies can actually be seen as an act of love, an act of community. Try to see it that way and understand. I know your DH hasn’t reacted in the best way but maybe he has cracked after feeling constantly under pressure to be perfect and always second guessing himself. You must realise that checking the funkypigeon online order confirmation is going too far. Do you believe this is the first time he’s ever lied to you?