Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

I still want to know how these morally superior posters insist on being completely blunt and frank when faced with a vulnerable, frightened person begging for reassurance.
Will the OP insist on telling very little children that Father Christmas does not exist?

Is he afraid of you? Have you lost the head over insignificant matters in the past? Demanding to look at his enails is OTT, and very intimidating.
I tell white lies to protect myself, and also not to hurt and offend others. Sounds like he was doing the same. What an overreaction. Not nice at all.

Yes your dh lied, yes you were interrogating him because you knew he was lying. He was trying to get himself out of a hole of forgetfulness. This is what people do, to cover their own mistakes.

He did not set out to fuck with your head by lying, nor you his by interrogating him and showing him up to have made a mistake. He feels useless because of a birthday card, you feel unsteady because he lied.

You probably need to work on this relationship rather than a past one. Because reliving and measuring lies from a past abusive relationship cannot possibly help when you go home raw from remembering someone whom meant you harm, to your dh whom is not abusive but is held to an abnormally high standard and punished should he behave as many do, oiling the wheels if you like.

That is what you need to think about, to my mind. Going forward in the norm of society. Maybe role-playing scenario's would help.

Does it occur to you that he did that not because you would kick off, but because he didn't want to upset you because you might have thought he'd forgotten about your birthday? i.e. He was doing it out of consideration for you? OK, it might have been misplaced, but it's concerning that the only explanation you can contemplate is one that puts him in a bad light.

This post warrants repeating and hopefully rings true with the OP

@tiggergoesbounce
Do you really mean that you never lie or hide the truth to spare someone's feelings? That you would insist on telling the truth to a grieving parent?

I understand why you are annoyed.
You are not bothered about the card.
If he would have told the truth and said "ah, I forgot the card" that would have been fine, discussion over.
But he didn't,he lied, to make himself look better as to not have forgotten a card, or maybe to spare your feelings at him forgetting. Either way, lying is never the answer. I hate liars.

Would your stand on lying extend to unkindness, OP? Would you insist on a truthful response to a person whose young daughter has a brain tumour and who is clinging to every bit of hope? I have a friend in this situation. I hope I would put kindness and compassion over bluntness. You sound cruel.

You need to work on yourself OP. You're being very unreasonable.

I couldn’t live like this. Walking on eggshells the whole time; panicking I had accidentally forgotten to mention that I’d stopped at the pub on the way home or that I’d have to make some big confession if I’d forgotten to post the electricity bill… it sounds torturous.

I'm not saying it's a directly comparable scenario, I just think that most people who claim to never, ever lie are either lying when they make that claim or are extremely rude.

White lies, to spare someone's feelings, are often much kinder and socially "correct" than unfiltered truth-telling.

No, they're both lies to save someone's feelings.

"I'm going to pretend I like this thing because I know you put a lot of effort into it"

and

"I love and care about you a huge amount, but the fact I forgot your birthday card might not indicate that, so I'm going to pretend it was funkpigeons cock up."

I could have written a lot of what you've written about your background myself. I get totally freaked out by lies too, so I really do understand where you're coming from. Literally just this afternoon I had a bit of a mental spiral because my husband said something that I thought might have been a lie, and when pushed he said he "promised" he was telling the truth. Well that made it all worse - I HATE it when he promises things that I have doubts about, because then I convince myself that he is lying and therefore all his other promises he's ever made to me are probably lies too. All this is to say that I am weird about lies as well so I really do get it.

But you are being unreasonable. When I'm feeling distressed by lies or dishonesty, I try to focus on why the person is keeping the truth from me and how bad would it be if I found out the truth. Forgetting to order a birthday card isn't a big deal, and therefore lying about it is not really a horrible thing. Whereas lying about an affair for example is keeping information from you that would change your mind about someone or about a relationship - the stakes of covering up the truth are much higher. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm too tired to try and write properly tonight!

I agree that your behaviour is abusive. There was a thread on here recently from a woman whose husband picked up on every lie that she told. They were half truths or to try and get herself out of trouble with her husband. Everyone told her that he was being abused by him.
OP, it does sound as if the silent treatment you give him if you have managed to catch him out on a mistake is abusive. You perhaps need to live alone and to stop watching someone like a hawk so that you can feel morally superior. Everyone lies to a certain extent. I was hailed recently by someone I don't much like and I said it was lovely to see them. I to,d my granddaughter that her picture of me was wonderful. Etc, etc.
You don't sound very nice and your behaviour is abusive. Let your partner go or observe your own behaviour carefully and count how many times you are less than honest during the course of the day.

I understand why you're so upset OP. It was a needless white lie.

But can you also understand that he was caught in a 'oh shit' situation and instinctively lied. Just like many people would have done out of panic, not malice? Can you see that he's upset that you insisted on evidence and the resulting bad feeling between you?

You've been horribly affected by a past relationship. Can't you see that it's affecting him and your relationship with him too? It's not easy for him. Your past is haunting him.

Be kind to him. Try to understand his perspective.

Be kind to yourself and remember he loves you and wants you to heal from your past. He made a mistake. Forgive him.

You sound like very hard work to be honest. Everyone lies, if you're looking for someone who is never ever going to tell a white lie then you're going to be alone. It's just a card, maybe he thought he'd ordered it and forgot to and just said 'oh it didn't come' to avoid looking like an idiot? It's really not worth causing such a fuss about that you've now had a row about a bloody card the day before your birthday. The issue isn't his stupid lie, it's your massive overreaction to it.

It was ridiculous of him to lie about this.
In this situation, I'd be concerned that he finds it easy and necessary to lie than admit any fault.
It's even more concerning that he's blaming you for spoiling the evening when it was down to him.
This is not the same as a little white lie to save someone's feeling like "the dinner was delicious"
This is a lie to deflect from fault and blame.

But from what you've said here, it sounds like you've set a very clear and simple boundary - no lies. I don't really understand people saying that's unrealistic. Do people really lie all the time?

SOME people lie frequently. Most people, I imagine, tell the occasional white lie, often to spare someone's feelings. It could also be out of fear, or because they feel so ground down by a controlling partner, for instance, that a white lie seems like the path of least resistance.

This is not a fair scenario though. Commenting on liking the food or not is not hiding something that’s taking place.

“This food is nice” when it’s not is not the same as “I did something for you” when they didn’t. The first is manners and has no impact. The second is lying to cover your own actions or inactions. They are weighted differently you see.

Definitely* not defeat.

It's virtually impossible to live a life without any tiny little lies whatsoever OP, we're animals, imperfect, we're not robots.

Can you honestly swear you've never slipped a little fibster ever to anyone?

Stop punishing yourself and him for your ex's behaviour. You need to try to get over it, when you defeat will with time. Trust me I know x.

Give yourself a break and possibly DH a hug.

I'm with the OP on this and am shocked at some of the responses.

I hate lies and this would have bugged me too. Just be honest and everyone knows where they stand.

In this scenario it's easy to focus in the things that are true...how much you appreciate the surprise and all the effort that has gone into it with no need to lie or hurt anyone's feelings.

As you say OP it's not exactly difficult or a high bar to set.

Some people lie like they can't help it, or exaggerate. I can't stand it. I also don't see the point of it.

Yanbu to expect honesty. It was a pointless and unnecessary lie, and then he got cross and you because HE lied. I'm not surprised you're upset.

You'd be unreasonable if you had a constant need for the truth, and disbelieved and grilled him on every situation. 100 questions and he can't have a thought you don't know about.

But from what you've said here, it sounds like you've set a very clear and simple boundary - no lies. I don't really understand people saying that's unrealistic. Do people really lie all the time?

Poor poor guy, hope he finds the way to leave this relationship

I couldn't cope with this level of interrogation. I had a mother like this.