Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

Dont be surprised if your single soon. You sound ungracious and just plain exhausting. Let things slide.

no bother-we dont need to agree. chat is as chat does.😂

Thanks for not shopping me to the rozzers @tolerable

@MrsTerryPratchett tbh-(ha!) your "dishonest but fairly nice" was far more palatable and possibly also reasonable than your intial response.
(please MNHQ,i havent felt personally attacked/easy bout it) My reply (isat a word ?wow) unintelligability.!....ok- was your case indctive of superior intelligence, heavily condesending and under the illusion you are entirely right? cos.if you didni know what i sid you vwouldni have touched it.probli

@MrsTerryPratchett

Have you never told friend that you find mr creepy a bit odd, or he makes you feel a bit uncomfortable or some sort of similar thing/phrasing? Why not?

Running coach knows you don't stretch.

At work you could've commiserated, without implying you, and others do this thing, when you don't.

--- wrong post

You'd better resume those sessions with the psychiatrist to fix your mental health. You are being totally unreasonable here.

@tolerable I read your reply and I thought a little experiment is in order. Two responses. One dishonest but fairly nice. One brutally honest.

What I would say normally: I disagree. I think that lying does grease the wheels of human interaction and if you do it sometimes, infrequently, with an eye on the other person's feelings, I don't think it makes you bad. But I take your point.

But if I was being really honest (please MNHQ understand that this personal attack is in the spirit of the thread): Given the unintelligibility of your reply, I think my case is made about intelligence.

So i presume couples who compromise work best, you say have a serious chat is that a one sided one?

What would the op have to change or does it only work one way?

All: Yabu!

OP: no I am not!!

OP - your husband sounds scared of your overreactions so prob lied to not get in trouble - i feel for him a bit. Sounds like an in-law of mine who got the wrong shade of blue for a card and he was shit scared, they are divorced now. You need to rethink this whole thing, good luck.

well you would(bet)..given that in your head excuses your lies. Besides the op stated her background/reasoning with having issues. Intelligent?empathathetic.the 1st would suggest capable of not fucking up ordering a card, the second leans to understanding individual feelings n a level you dont hurt them.together would surely equate to-honesty best policy?
well liked gobshites is awful

I completely agree with you OP that it’s perfectly reasonable to expect to your partner to be honest especially given your trigger, that being said in this scenario context completely matters though.

The above is very likely what happened and though it can be a bit frustrating given this has triggered past trauma for you, it would be unreasonable to make this bigger then it needs to be for a healthy relationship. If you married this man and he so far has shown to be an exemplary character when it comes to lying, there is no need to escalate and imagine this to be bigger then it needs to be. He should not be held at the same tally as your previous partner or parent cause that’s not fair!!

This should not snowball if you just calmly without recriminations have a chat with him and explain how this has made you feel, and your fears about it becoming an issue in the future. You are owed an apology but he is as well because there was no ill intent in this scenario. No one is infallible.

This. 👏🏽 Is. 👏🏽 Fixable.👏🏽

Everyone sucks here if they can’t just have a cup a tea (or drink of your preferred choice) and have a serious chat to reaffirm/readjust relational boundaries!

I can’t bear feeling lied to and have similar issues to op because of childhood abuse. I’ve married a man who loves my resulting obsession with being as accurate as possible. Most of science is hypothesis, for example, but people tend to say it as fact. Part of the reason he loves that about me is because his own childhood was abusive in a different way and he was punish for telling the truth if it wasn’t palatable to his parents. In the early years we got trapped into this dynamic where I’d be anxious, quiz him, he’d panic and say what he wanted to be true rather than what was true. I sense and seize on the lie and the fact he lied would be so much bigger to me than the initial situation. How can I trust him when he lies so unnecessarily. I got counselling (I needed a lot) and he got some (only needed a little) too.

It still happens but rarely and when it does I acknowledge to myself that I’ve just panicked him and he’s just panicked me - and he usually has already said can I scrub that last sentence and try again.

I'm willing to bet quite serious money that people who lie rather than fudge (which is what you're talking about) are probably more intelligent, empathetic and well-liked.

It's not about 'condoning' lies. It's about understanding their role in human communication. The studies of lying, and there are a few, count per DAY. Not year. Per day. Around 40% of people I think, had lied in the last 24 hours.

Excepting people who have some neurodivergence, some kinds of brain injury, cognitive issues of some sort, the vast majority of people tell at least a few lies fairly regularly.

I'm thinking back this week. I've lied to save some feelings, especially around Christmas (presents). I will almost definitely lie to someone who has invited us for NYE (they have a weird creepy friend I won't be in a room with - we will be 'busy'). I said I'd stretch to my running coach, I will not stretch. She knows this as well as I do I've lied at work 'oh that happens to us all' to save feelings. I don't think any of these make me a bad person. They do save relationships.

Oh and people lie on here to keep anonymous. Good intentions.

He knows that I can’t handle lies.

This is your problem to deal with, not his. Sort yourself out. You can't expect everyone to stop doing something perfectly normal (white lies are a normal part of social discourse) in order to make you feel better. You need to get some therapeutic help to enable you to live comfortably in reality.

I'm so sorry. That is awful. I hope you have some peace now.

Notoriously? Do you know what that actually means? I don’t think you do.

Anyway, it’s a card. He may have got confused and thought he’d ordered it. Maybe he did but there had been a technical issue with the company’s system and the order was somehow cancelled internally. Anything is possible. If you’re going to get this upset over a card, you’re in for a shock when something truly awful happens.

I think it’s more that not all lies are malicious or said with purposeful, cruel intent. Also people can unexpectedly lie when in a tricky situation - like a reflex, it can be human nature. People lie to spare feelings for example which may be what happened here. I think looking at things from a bigger picture can be useful.

I remember I caught someone in a lie recently. I’m giving evidence at court to support a prosecution. The police told me that I would get a call from a withheld number from the court, because the person calling doesn’t want to give their personal number out for privacy reasons. When that person called me, they unprompted said their number is withheld because that’s what the police want. It didn’t occur to me to pick holes or be like “hold up, they said this” when the outcome really didn’t impact anything. I said that’s fine and moved on, because it genuinely wasn’t worth my energy to get to the bottom of. That would have been unnecessarily hard work, regardless of how much I hate lies.

People condoning white lies is worrying. Don't you have the communication and empathy skills to phrase things properly?

If a dress doesn't fit your friend you could say all sorts of things: varying in degrees of honesty - that you loved the purple one she wore last year, that it is nice but not quite right, that it's not bad but maybe we could try on another couple. All sorts of things could be said.

Just reading through the posts and comments on the probability of the OP never telling white lies etc, as someone with a brutally honest approach and expectation, I have come to realise that it is pretty uncommon. Most people tell so-called white lies on a regular basis, and I struggle with that. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I don't want to disrespect my own values by lying, however 'big' a lie people think it is.

Many people can't take my honesty, but I have learnt to have answers ready that whilst not exactly sugar-coated, are not as honest as what's in my head. So a bad haircut or unflattering outfit turns into "I think I prefer ...., but it's your opinion and how you feel that counts" . The funny thing is that anyone who knows me, knows what it translates to, and inevitably laughs about it, saying "so that means ..... "

I disagree with most posters. I hate lying, but have never had an abusive ex. I don't white lie much either re a dress or food.

The comments re op being hard work are offensive. Why didn't Dh just say sorry in all the kerfuffle of the missing Christmas card, I missed / totally forgot about the birthday one. This would have been fine.

I realise that, but what is unusual behaviour is OP continuing to demand evidence that he’d ordered the birthday card instead of just accepting his explanation. She obviously doesn’t trust her husband one bit, even over small and unimportant things, so what else is she demanding he evidence? It sounds like he may be walking on eggshells, this is not a healthy relationship and it’s not because of this white lie.

I agree, it’s a good post. It really highlights why picking your battles selectively, is more for your own peace of mind as opposed to others.

Sometimes people in close relationships tell white lies.

Sometimes how you respond requires some nuance.

i too hate lies.(and non tell absolute essential truths) there is no room for "white lies"in my head. I understand yur hurt,being triggered etc.
Hopefully he will promtly realise\recognise the significance and be accountable. If its a stupid/not big deal thing it just makes lying worse.
The fact you laid bare your reasoning isnt do him any favours.i would be easier with forgot\fuckt up every time over lies

This is a really good post.