Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

Sorry but sounds like the abused is turning into the abuser
he lied for a quiet life

"It still happens but rarely and when it does I acknowledge to myself that I’ve just panicked him and he’s just panicked me - and he usually has already said can I scrub that last sentence and try again."
@RollOnTheNewYear I love this, and I'm definitely hanging onto "can I scrub that last sentence and try again" for next time I catch myself kicking off with DH.

Lies don’t have colours. It’s either a lie, or it isn’t.

People talk like the only options are to lie or to say something hurtful. In most situations there will be something that can be said that is neither.

That colour suits you (but the style does not).
Thanks for the Christmas present, mum. It smells very Christmassy.
No, we don't have time for rides today.
She's confident! Your new girlfriend will keep you on your toes lol.
I can't come to your gig this time but tell me all about it after!
I'm sure you feel a real difference in your stamina levels since starting your new fitness routine (even though you don't look any different).

You sound abusive. You sound controlling. You sound grossly self indulgent and self involved .
I hope he runs very fast and very far

Your username says it all.

Try to look at the bigger picture.

He could have gone out after she brought it up to redeem himself. Instead she interrogated him because of her pad trauma and treated him badly. Personally I think she needs to be on her own until she has worked on her trauma and herself. She's bringing it into her relationship and that's not good for her or him. Her boyfriend can't rescue her.

@MrsTerryPratchett I agree with @Cappuccinowithonesugarplease

You absolutely don't have to lie to people you love. This should not be normal.

Mum, I loved that Christmas present.
-mum thanks for thinking of me I love that you care
Ang, you look great in those new leggings.
-ang, if you like them they are great but I think you look better in x y or z. (I'd hate to be out thinking I look great when I look terrible!)
Fred, your new girlfriend seems nice.
-Fred, the important thing is you like her. I am happy you are happy. (If she's treating him bad or alienating his friends surely a good friend points this out)
DD, those ride-on toys are all broken.

• dd you can't play on them because it's not safe/I don't have time to supervise/they are too loud I don't want to get grumpy with you because im short on patience right now/we don't have the space we need to donate them

• Omar, im proud of you for doing it congratulations. It's just really not my thing/the noise would give me a headache/im so tired I need to get an early night at the weekends whenever I can/I wouldn't feel comfortable attending

See to me this is bonkers

You can't even be honest to the people you are closest to? You know it is possible to be nice and be honest at the same time right?
If my best friend and I went dress shopping we would totally be 100% honest with each other with what looked better and what didn't.

I find it baffling that some folks routinely tell white lies to the people they regard as close.
You shouldn't have to be 'polite' to your mother, best friends or life partner, they aren't strangers.

But with respect, that's a 'you' problem and it's making you unreasonable and borderline controlling. It's something for you to work through and you to sort out.

I agree OP a white lie is still a lie. It's unbelievable how many people on here think it's acceptable! Why is it so hard to just tell the truth?

This. If your stipulation is no lies I can't see how you'll maintain a relationship unless you're really laid back about stuff. And asking where your birthday card was doesn't suggest laid back and chilled.

I think you need to give him a break, you're being much too harsh.

don't sweat the small stuff, as they say.

i get you don't like lies, but honestly, you're taking it to the limit!

ETA The point is he was covering up a mistake by lying to make himself look better.

more like, he was scared the OP was giving him real shit and just wanted it to stop!

Yes, I would presume that couples who compromise or at the very minimum establish a good relationship around communication, have a better chance at surviving. I don’t think keeping it bottled up and being inflexible brings you very far.

Also the compromise would have to be both ways (hence ‘reaffirm/readjust relational boundaries’). I would hope OP’s partner can understand he unnecessarily crossed her boundaries with this, and that OP can understand there was no ill intent and her husband should have his own fresh slate with these situations. Trauma is a valid reason to be worked up about something like this but no one is infallible.

Blunt honesty might be one persons cup of tea (there is no Santa Clause for kids, the Boss gets to know he’s an idiot, MIL gets to know you don’t like the meal she prepared for you if she asks) but for the awkward / people pleasing majority (which I am certain exists) we do prefer to circumvent the truth in lieu of avoiding an awkward moment or spare someone’s feeling. Yes a lie is still a lie, but if we lose context and stop being humans about our hard lines then the world would become a bleak place. Just to give an extreme example -> pathological liar lies about where he’s been when he’s been out cheating =(?) a mom saying ‘I’m full’ so she don’t have to take one more bite of the pesto and peanut butter sandwich a 5 year old has lovingly prepared for Mother’s Day. Surely these two scenarios do not both deserve the same severe attention and scrutiny.

The situation with the birthday card and OP’s husband was of course not flowered with the same innocence as the latter scenario but it also did not carry any true malice, so OP and her partner should find a way to deal with this using a fair and balanced perspective that fully considers the context of both their respective behaviours.

I disagree with you. I hesitated about writing in my earlier post that the OP is being abusive because I thought it sounded so extreme/unkind, but I certainly understand that point of view. If a man kept on and on interrogating his wife and checking up on what she had said, to prove her wrong, about something so trivial, he would be regarded by many as an abusive husband.

And I don’t believe that lying about something like that means a person would necessarily lie about big things.

I'm with you, OP. I couldn't care less about Jane at work or Bob next door telling me lies, and indeed I will white lie to unimportant people (to me) about unimportant things. But I do not lie about important things, and I do not lie to people who are important to me. I need my important people to be just as honest with me. It's about trust. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you don't have anything. Your husband lying to you - an important person - about something so unimportant, is such a waste. I mean, if you are going to break someone's trust, at least let it be over something major.

But the non-driving cousin only modifies their own behaviour to cater to their problem. They don’t expect other people to stop driving. You are expecting someone else to modify their own behaviour to cater to your problem.

You are being unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill. You should have let it go instead of interrogating him. Pushing and pushing and demanding to see his emails about something so petty is ridiculous. You are treating him like an overbearing parent treats a naughty child.

So your husband told an unimportant lie and isn’t perfect. So what? I don’t suppose you are perfect either.

I'm afraid you sound very difficult to live with.

I agrée he should not have lied. It's not a little lie so you don't find out about a surprise or a little lie that he had cake before dinner that's why he's not that hungry. The point is he was covering up a mistake by lying to make himself look better. Trying to change your feelings by altering your perception of him. I've had an abusive ex so I really do understand why stuff like that is mega triggering.

That said you made it sooo much worse with all the questions. You should have just said "ok" when he said your card hasn't arrived yet. Because actually at that point it wasn't a lie- it hadn't arrived and the reason for that was unknown. You pushed him into admitting he forgot it or trying to cover it, and made it worse by pushing so much.

You said yourself he usually remembers. And you said he's usually strait with you. If it's not a pattern in his personality you need to let it go. He probably reacted as strongly as he did because you were from his perception trying to make him feel bad rather than make yourself feel better- because there was no way that was going to make you feel better.

I do understand how you feel though. I don't think we ever fully heal from abuse we just learn to reality check our responses and not get upset. It's always more effort even when healed than had we never been abused

Op, you are self-aware of the reasons for needing abnormal levels of truth and disclosure and oversight, ie the past trauma, but you don't seem aware of the hard work that's required in making these adjustments.

Demanding to see receipts and order confirmations is very intrusive. He's not the lying ex. He doesn't deserve for you to oversee his emails.

We aren't blank slates when we enter a relationship - our cumulative experiences with family, friends and previous partners will have a deeper effect on things like how/whether we lie than a current partner.

If your husband previously grew up with (e.g) strict, controlling or hyperemotional parents, or had a past of being shamed or bullied for small slip ups or misdeeds then they're going to also be more likely to feel the need to lie to cover themselves in small scale scenarios like you described.

If you've grown up in an environment where telling the truth (even nicely) can land you in trouble or cause emotional distress then you'll have learnt that a few white lies are either necessary or a lesser evil.

I'd say the posters who think you can go through life never having the compulsion to lie or giving in to that compulsion over small matters have lived pretty blessed lives overall. I wouldn't dare tell my mother the truth over most matters, but I wish I could. Unfortunately this also bleeds into every day life although I'm generally honest and my friends have told me they perceive me as candid and upfront.

In OP's scenario it wasn't even a big white lie to begin with, just a half truth- the card hasn't arrived yet = perhaps he was planning to pick up a card at the shops in the morning by which case it "arrives" at the moment of purchase. But because OP kept pressing the matter, husband felt pushed to commit to a narrative that she supplied (where is the card you ordered online- something he implied but never originally stated).

I don't think you can live a happy marriage if you feel like you might be interrogated at any given moment. It places psychological pressure on your partner and can make them act in haste in a manner they'd not otherwise have taken - did you need to press him on the card? Could you not have just outright said "I know you didn't order my birthday card this year because it didn't arrive with the Christmas card, but it's ok because I know you are usually on the ball with this" rather than turning it into a cat and mouse game? If you want him to be fully honest then you need to create an environment where he feels relaxes and safe to be upfront. Communication goes both ways

My control-freak detection radar is ringing off the scale. Pretty typical stuff.

Me to Partner: I walked into town, had a browse of the shops, stopped for a quick coffee.
Partner after fishing for details: I saw the receipt. There's two drinks. Why lie? Are you hiding something?
Me: Oh yeah, I spilled most of the first coffee, so I got another one.
Partner: I find it hard to believe you just forgot to mention that. I don't care about how many coffees you had, It just makes me very concerned that you can't be honest with me. And blah, blah, blah (whilst my alarm bells start blaring) ...

Only OP will know if it's a malicious need to be fully in charge of everything and everyone or a sort of OCD tick. I doubt it makes a jot of difference to those on the receiving end though.

He is clearly suited to this unbearable environment (I wouldn't last a week!) so it's probably best to release the pressure grip a little before a good thing goes bust.

A lie is a lie.
I also have trauma from a compulsive liar and now have very low tolerance.

I don't lie ever if I can help it (it's a bit of a running joke with friends and family). He could have told you the truth.

A lie to say someone's hair looks good is sometimes necessary (for example) ...

But he could have easily told you the truth and said he had been busy but would get a card ASAP.

I find some people lie just to avoid an awkward conversation or to make themselves look good and to me it just feels a bit cowardly and lazy.

tolerable is walking down the street at night.

She hears some shouting and a terrified scream.

A terrified looking woman appears - "help, there's a man trying to kill me!" and the woman proceeds to hide behind a wall.

Seconds later, an angry looking man appears, and he appears to be holding a weapon.

"Have you seen a woman come past?" the man demands.

"Yes, she's hiding behind that wall", says tolerable, pointing.

tolerable does call the police but, by the time they arrive, the woman is dead.

Still, tolerable tells herself, at least she did the morally correct thing and did not tell a lie.

Seriously, why get so het up about a card?

Poor bloke.

I feel very sorry for your DH. People tell white lies all the time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry you grew up with a lying father, but your attitude is very unreasonable.