Husband’s white lie but knows I can’t hack lying

I'm with you op why lie? He screwed up just admit it and apologise. And the fact he tried to blame you to deflect his lie. It doesn't matter if it's a small lie it's completely unnecessary.

I lied a lot as a child /young adult. I know now it was fear that lead me to lie. Fear of punishment/consequence.

Was he worried about annoying/hurting you? I'd be interested as to why he chose to lie, amd if it was an instinctive lie then it's likely it's not his first lie.

That puts a different slant on it. I wouldn't stand for the name calling

He is calling her 'mental' & 'an annoying fuck' and lying about trivial stuff - OP is entitled to feel upset.

Asking for honestly doesn't make someone controlling.

From what I could read, it wasn't the white lie that kicked this off, it was your relentless pursuit of the card and the details around it. He probably knows you and started feeling uncomfortable, hence the white lie.
TBH, this is more of a You problem. You need to sort out your paranoia. Not everybody is after you.He's probably aware of your issues and got scared of being interrogated till he tells the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

@Pitypartayfor1 you sound very intense and controlling and your reaction was way over the top.

You may not like white lies but you need to understand how your obsessive reaction makes others feel as all you have gone on about is ME ME ME with little regard of how it made your OH feel.

OP, I understand.

His automatic reaction was to lie about something really stupid, despite knowing how you react to lies.

He cared more about saving face than your feelings.

It's such a dumb thing to lie about too, he could have easily told the truth and it wouldn't have even been anything.

You’re exhausting to live with, and you should consider yourself incredibly lucky he’s still with you.

Whether you want to be or not, you are controlling.

You are being controlling. The fact you have a personality disorder doesn't excuse that, you should acknowledging this is your issue and work to fix it not shift the blame to your poor husband who was just trying to spare your feelings and/or not have a huge argument.

People are entitled to lie, what goes on in a person's own head is private and everyone should be allowed to have some privacy even in an intimate relationship. I am sorry but you need to address your issue with lying in therapy. It's perfectly ok to tell a white lie. This was small and inconsequential. It was none of your business how your partner organised your birthday card/present. In fact it was your grilling of your partner that backed him into a corner - you are starting to bring about the very thing you fear with your behaviour.

Asking someone to never lie is an unrealistic demand and impossible to achieve.
You're asking for the impossible

i pressed him on it because I knew by his body language he was lying

That's bordering on abusive.

And your reaction in the heat of the moment was one thing. But you’ve also had time to reflect on how and why he responded, and whether his transgression of your rules, is as bad as you thought in the first instance.

he is working hard from the sounds of things to support you with your mental health issues. Are you working just as hard to help him when he screws up and fails? We are all human and none of us are perfect.

I don't think it has to start there and snowball. I never lie to my DC. I've made that promise to them, but with one exception, that is gift giving. If I didn't there'd be no magic at Christmas and surprises on their Birthdays. They know I'll lie through my teeth to make their wishes come true.
You put him on the spot on this occasion and he probably panicked to save your feelings, then compounded the lie. He doesn't sound like a bad guy who tried to hurt you. It must be difficult to live up to your exacting standards.
He's making allowances for you, I think you need to try to empathise with how hard it is to keep to your rules. I think, if you can, you need to try to let this one go. I understand other lies are a complete no no, but also don't know many people that could live with this with no forgiveness for the occasional screw up.

Dear OP, You came to the wrong place: AIBU. Yes, you are being unreasonable. But you acknowledge that your mental health is what's really wrong here. So even if you are being unreasonable it might feel reasonable from your standpoint. Try to just let go, breathe, tell your man you need a hug and move on. ❤️

This. It may help if you could also try and put yourself in his shoes.

It doesn’t feel as if he was deliberately trying to be nasty/hurt you. It sounds as if he is generally considerate.

You’ve dumped on him from a great height, for something fairly trivial. I realise you have had bad experiences, but try to think about his motivations and whether his mistake (and we all make mistakes) came from a position of trying to hurt you or in the spur of the moment buy time to do something nice for you.

X-post. Am glad you're still seeking/obtaining support, OP, and hope it helps your peace of mind.

"That's Spartacus, over there"

You've accepted your thinking patterns are outside the norm. Therefore you know you are wrong to over react to this white lie.

As much as I've appreciated the conversation about white lies (being a black and white thinker who tends towards rigidly judgemental) I think it might be a bit orthogonal to what's actually troubling @Pitypartayfor1 .
You have your standards, OP, you believe lying is always wrong, white or not. I think that's actually fine, and it's good you know this about yourself.
The alarm bells, for me, are with you blurring the distinctions between your DH and your abusive ex.
Yes, your husband has disappointed you by lying and you're angry with him. But saying his little lie is going to snowball into him becoming a compulsive / controlling / abusive liar is dangerous thinking. It's not true - your husband is not your ex and he's not going to suddenly turn into your ex.
I think this might be one for your psychiatrist to help you with, really keeping the boundary between your ex and what he did to you firmly distinct in your mind from your DH and what he does now.

Are you sure you're not telling a teeny little lie about whether you'd be bothered about not getting a card.

Maybe he knows he'd get the quiet treatment over forgetting so thought he'd take his chances