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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to leave a man because of financial reasons

307 replies

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:27

(Apologies with how long this is, trying to sum it all up)

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now.

He's funny, affectionate, social, good communication etc. I'm just struggling with the financial situation that is making me want to break it off.

So I'm 26 and he's 40. He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.

He promised to pay towards rent, only did for less than 2 months. He was then asked to leave because he kept promising payment that never came.

Fast forward and we're still seeing each other, only it's nice to have my home back.

He then took my car over a toll bridge and didn't even have the £2.60 to come back over it again - I then got lumbard with the £60 fine. I kept asking for him to pay, he never did.

We went for a meal with his friends that he said he was paying for. I ended up having to foot the bill with him saying he'll pay me the next day as the money hasn't gone in his account or something, he never did.

He then promised he will pay for a set of nails in return for a big favour I did for him and nothing despite having asked since. This might sound trivial but it's the whole saying things and never going through with any of it.

He showed me where we were going to go on a family holiday (I have one child, he has two) - in the end his children's mum took them instead because she probably knows what he's like!!

He showed my parents this beautiful hotel he said he was going to take me to as my birthday treat back in July. Still waiting. Although before this he got me excited showing me a different trip up country and enjoyed telling everyone about it without delivering on it.
Heck, there's even a restaurant he said he will take me to for our first date.. still waiting.

I do feel he's got good intentions but I'm not sure how much longer I can go on with a carrot dangling. He hasn't written any of these things off, it's still in the pipeline because they cost money. Fair enough I thought as I like him for him (clearly not his wallet!) but it doesn't stop me feeling let down and disheartened by it all.

I feel like I've spent the year of our relationship just waiting for things to happen. Coming to me excited about things and holidays only for nothing to ever materialise - I'd rather him just not mention it at all than get my hopes up.

Now he wants to book for us to go to a hotel for New Year's Eve. Of course I would love this but with him owing me money (and other people money), I'd feel more respected if he sends that back to me than keep splashing the cash. Honestly I think I'm going to feel rather resentful if I do accept the hotel offer before he has paid me back what I'm well overdue.

Do I just end things here? I have quite a list accumulating and I keep holding on for the best but not sure how much longer I can carry on.

YABU - you like him as a person and I should be more understanding over the current financial situation.

YANBU - it's not fair to feel consistently let down through empty promises.

OP posts:
Love51 · 28/12/2024 21:33

I suspect the issue is in the disconnect between the title and the actual post. You feel like a meanie for breaking up with someone for financial reasons. But you have described someone who is dishonest and discourteous, particularly about money.
A courteous but very impoverished man who ended up driving someone else's car across a toll bridge and unable to pay would swallow his pride and admit it so that you could pay the £2.60 and avoid the fine. Most men would find the £2.60 or not borrow the car. It takes a special kind of ego to land you with the non payment fine to avoid bruising his own ego or inconveniencing himself to find the £2.60.
That man is discourteous. u
You could just break up with him for bring poor, it is allowed. Your moral code seems to be chastising you for that. So break up with him for being discourteous, disrespectful, selfish, whatever chimes with you. You don't actually need to justify it to him, it isn't a negotiation!

MrsTigerface · 28/12/2024 21:31

As others have said, you don’t have to give him any explanation whatsoever. You just say that it’s not working for you and goodbye.

Looking at your original AIBU question - whether or not you would be unreasonable for dumping him for financial reasons- well, aside from the fact that you are entitled to dump anyone for any reason you like, I don’t really think you were asking that, were you? I get the impression that you are not the materialistic type particularly. It isn’t the money for you, is it? It’s the constant disappointments. It would be the same for me.

You honestly deserve so much more than this man xxx

WhistPie · 28/12/2024 21:31

This reply has been deleted

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NoWayRose · 28/12/2024 21:29

There’s dumping a guy because he’s not a banker on £200k and there’s dumping a guy because he’s a middle-aged freeloading future-faking fantasist

JRSKSSBH · 28/12/2024 21:28

He is a parasite, albeit a charming one. Bin.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 28/12/2024 21:28

YANBU to be disappointed. But YABU to have stuck with it this long - he has clearly shown you what he is like and you keep putting up with him.

Hwi · 28/12/2024 21:28

Run!!! Run!

bevm72yellow · 28/12/2024 21:27

A simple "it's not working for me and child" will suffice to end it. He will come back "sweet" and say how great you are, beautiful, how happy you make him....usual spoof tactic/strategy. Don't give him argument or drama a simple "like I said it's not a relationship for me and child". If he threatens suicide ring his Mum/ sister/ Dad or other relative and ask them to deal with him or ring the police to call his bluff or reiterate the need for him to go to Emergency department. He will then know you do not take his words on board and you have boundaries. Wish you well

Helloitsmej · 28/12/2024 21:27

Whatwouldyoudo26 · 28/12/2024 20:59

Thank you for your responses already. It's obvious what I need to do. I think that's why I posted, I just need a push in the right direction because I've still got him promising things and I feel silly for clinging onto them.

Not sure how I'm going to approach this conversation so suggestions welcome.
It's not like we're breaking up over one big argument that is easily explainable, it's all these things mounting up over time.

Just say I don't think it's working out you need to move out. Do not let him talk you into giving it a chance... I'll change etc.
He's a 40 year old loser

laveritable · 28/12/2024 21:27

Never believe a man's word, only believe his ACTIONS! Just block and delete! He is 40 yr old man child!

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/12/2024 21:26

@Whatwouldyoudo26 has he actually paid for anything for you since you got together?????? what does he do with his money??? does he work at all????

Spangers · 28/12/2024 21:26

How on earth could you be attracted to this, it’s a no brainer surely. He’s a liar and a loser.

Also please don’t let randoms move in with you when you have a child.

Sassybooklover · 28/12/2024 21:26

Honestly, if he hasn't got his shit together financially at 40, he's never going to! He will constantly owe you money and then promise you the earth - that never materialises. End the relationship, and find someone who is deserving of your time and effort.

LittleGreenDragons · 28/12/2024 21:25

Ignore the fact he's taking your money under false pretences...

HE IS A LIAR.

Repeat after me. HE. IS. A. LIAR.

Now ask yourself why anyone sane would stay with a liar.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2024 21:25

I mean, OBVIOUSLY you need to dump him.

Does he work? Why does he have no money for even the most basic socialising?

YourWildAmberSloth · 28/12/2024 21:25

I would just say that I can't see it working out in the long term because you clearly have different values, expectations and priorities.

WearyAuldWumman · 28/12/2024 21:24

If you really feel the need to tell him nicely...

"I have to put my child first. I cannot afford to subsidise you. It's over."

BeAzureAnt · 28/12/2024 21:23

Op, do not be a sugar mama to a 40 year old man. Find another guy who WILL take you to those places, and does what he says he would do. At 40, your boyfriend should have his financial act together enough to pay a toll on a bridge.

MyPithyPoster · 28/12/2024 21:22

Does he breathe through his ears and have a gigantic golden cock that spins around? What’s the appeal exactly of this loser?

sometimesmovingforwards · 28/12/2024 21:22

He sounds like a 40 year old loser.

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 28/12/2024 21:22

I stopped at: “He quickly moved in with me when he didn't actually have his own place.. not planned but just happened.”

So glad you’re getting rid OP, it took me four years to see the light and send my cocklodger packing. Yes…during that time I paid for EVERYTHING. Don’t be me!!! I still feel ashamed that I fell for it, after all we all know that a man in need of somewhere to live falls in “love” very quickly.

At 26 you have the world at your feet, find someone worthy of your love. Not a sad freeloader miles older than you. I wish you all the best!

Eskimal · 28/12/2024 21:20

This guy has some serious issues with living in a fantasy world. These are just the issues you know about. You do know there are many many more you don’t know about, don’t you?
it’s not his financial situation that’s the main problem. It’s his pyschological problem that you need to recognise. His financial situation won’t change.
just tell him you’re splitting up. Cut ALL contact please. Then work on yourself recognising red flags sooner.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 28/12/2024 21:20

He's gaslighting you. Telling you he's bringing you on a trip, then he doesn't go through with it and you stay with him. He does it again, you stay with him. He keeps doing it, you keep staying with him. He takes you for a complete mug. You don't need a conversation, a simple message informing him the relationship is over will do. Just write off what he owes you, he will never repay you, move on and don't look back. Block him, don't engage with him at all. He'll start making all kinds of promises, stay strong and ignore it all.

Pudmyboy · 28/12/2024 21:19

Rewis · 28/12/2024 21:10

you're a sugar mama to a middle aged man at the age of 26? That is kinda funny. In a non-haha way.

How to approach the conversation? There doesn't need to be an approach or particular explanation. Just say you feel like you're in different phases of life and feel like you're not a good match. if you want you can say you feel taken advatage of with the financial situation and you'd rather not continue the relationship. Then cut contact.

Good response in my opinion

bevm72yellow · 28/12/2024 21:19

What does he tell you ? Does he ignore what you say? Does he laugh it off? Does he minimize what you say about the money being owed? A lovely character if these are his ways of manipulating your feelings to get what he wants and stealing the food from your child's mouth. Plus your child will learn that it is ok for him or her to be treated in this way when they grow up if you allow this relationship to continue.