DH and made up jobs

You sound exhausted. I remember that time, the lack of sleep and dealing with everything a new baby brings was so hard. I was also breast feeding and it felt like I had no break at all. There may be more background but based on what you’ve said, I think you need to speak with your DH and work out how to move together as a team. If you want to take a shower, tell him. Maybe he can do most of the nappy changes? Bath times? Decide together how you’ll do food for the week and what needs to be prioritised in the house. It’s ok if the house is messy at times. Get out of the house every day, just a little walk, a coffee somewhere. Select some box sets on Netflix or something that you can plough through together. It can take a little time to adjust with the arrival of a new baby and the main thing is to communicate honestly and respectfully with each other so you can work as a team. Good luck.

He isn’t being a fair partner at all.

My daughter is 2 now, breastfed also. My husband actively took part in parenting without being asked. Once he was home from work he did every nappy change. Did most of the baths and getting her ready for bed. Because those he could do.

She was an easy baby so I managed to keep on top of the house most days but if he came home and I was still on PJs because it had been a hard day he cleaned up.

We still had issues. We’ve been together nearly 22 years and the change becoming parents is big. I have post natal depression and anxiety still and sometimes he goes back to incompetent man child.

You could apologise for yelling but explain that he needs to step up.

How about expressing some milk so that he can take over some of the feeds whilst you rest! DH and I did that and it made such a difference as it meaning he did the nappy change and settled DS after the feed.

No she said he’s acting like he’s scared of her. She yelled and instead of him apologising or taking accountability he is trying to turn it around so she is at fault. And it’s working because she feels guilty when she shouldn’t.
He needs to stop acting like a baby and be a partner.

Never mind he might be feeling overwhelmed with a new baby too?

OP is exclusively breast feeding so it’s not as though he can do that!

It should be joint responsibility for housework and baby care

We have a system of responsibilities here so dp does food shop (he drives) and does dishes after meals I cook only me because he doesn't know how to I clean the 3 bathrooms we have in the house we both tidy up and hoover both put washing on when and as is needed he doesn't need telling he just does things and so do it we're a partnership

How do you think gay men in couples manage in the home - keeping it clean and caring for any children they may have?
Are they sitting around looking at each other, wondering when a woman will arrive and tell them what to do?

Is he scared of her or is he just hoping she’ll eventually stop ‘having a go’ about doing basic housework if he pulls the sad hurt feelings puppy eyes out? The op is allowed to be angry that he’s not pulling his weight, clearing a cupboard out instead of doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen. That’s not being a control freak, that’s seeing the imbalance for what it is. Men can see these things, their man brains do not wipe chores out of existence, they are actively ignoring them.

Stop being so nice.
Be bolder. You want a shower, if your breast feeding, do that then hand him the baby and say , I will be 15 mins, I need a shower.
If you want a hot coffee, tell him does he want to have his coffee first, or second?
Washing up, hold baby or wash up.? His choice.

Charming

She's admitted he's scared of her! That's the proof she's a control freak at the very least at worst she's abusive and using him not doing housework in the way she wants to as a form of abuse! I'm sorry but no one should be proud to admit that their partner is scared of them.
Having a new born is no excuse for that!

Sorting out a cupboard is not cleaning a dirty kitchen. She is not a control freak he is purposely not doing the actual cleaning but doing something so he can say “ I’m trying to help” when he needs to grow and and do his share.

This is so true. ironing is one in this house as you can watch TV whilst doing it!

No he was cleaning the kitchen just not in a good enough way for OP!

She's a control freak!

Do you always tell him the jobs he's doing are pointless? Cause you seem like mother martar nothing he'll do will be right! You're exclusively BFing so he can't help with that - for some reason instead of putting baby down you're balancing a coffee on your baby which you've then spilt! FFS! Grow up your not the first person in the world to have a new born!

Does he not have eyes?
Who makes a list for OP for all the jobs that need doing?
He is an adult. He knows laundry needs doing and the kitchen needs cleaning he is just being a dick.

To make her happy??

Or to just bloody pull his weight with his family?

Well, the list you made of what you had been doing (feeding,nappy changing etc)are all the same job- looking after the baby- so it’s fair your husband is pulling his weight in other areas eg when you are feeding.
It’s important to hand off the baby to another adult if you can and not make childcare solely your job. Like Mrs TP said upthread, getting to go off for a wander round the shops or do gardening is a nice break.
I totally ignored the feed on demand advice from the health visitor and got my babies into at least a 3 hour schedule asap so I wasn’t attached constantly. And I agree with splitting jobs and then not having anything to do with them- so maybe he takes kitchen and bins and you leave him to it.
It will get easier from now though. The first 3 months or so are ‘ Nam!

Have you been feeling tearful, and low too? I think OP, lovely, you could check in with your GP/HV.

As for men, sometimes, and I know you're not his mum, you need to speak like he's a robot. Communication in the brutalist form 😆

We've all been there I think.. I might say to mine at some point this week can you do the grass this week please. He will have to do it right this second no matter what I may or may not be doing or need. The absolute rage 🙈 we've had many a conversation it's like as soon as I give him stuff he has to tick it all off asap, never mind what needs to be done my end. He moans I nag but then moans I give him a list but I think does prefer a list. I have to spell it out with specifics 🤯 he's military! I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't see the same level of stuff that we do. In his eyes, occasionally running the hoover round, emptying the bins and dishwasher is about all that needs doing. We do have a cleaner thank god but there is still lots of crap that needs doing on top of that.

We had similar disagreements. What solved it was agreeing a baseline list of non negotiable weekly tasks around the house eg dishes, clean sinks, empty bins, hoover, washing and after those were done if either of us felt like another random task it was fine to do whatever and the other parent didn’t need consulting. It saved a lot of overtired disagreements.

I don't communicate well when I'm exhausted. I doubt many of us do.

It be will be a while before you are rested enough to discuss chores without getting cross.

What I suggest is a packet of tiny day glow post it notes for book pages. When you see a task that needs doing but you are too tired to communicate it. Stick a post it on.

Then tell him where he sees a post it, help by doing that job.

Keep them in your pocket.

My mum did this with my dad when he was oblivious to what needed doing. It helped a lot. It's a visual prompt without having to feel bad and cross about telling them, then reminding, then feeling bad for reminding again.

It's also a visual reminder for everyone to see what tasks need tackling. Kind friends might pitch in too.

While he was sipping his coffee and you were doing the tummy time and nappy changing…. Eh, why? Why didnt you hand baby to him.

You have to actually hand the baby to him once you’ve finished breastfeeding, you csn follow it with some instructions about nappy change or tummy time but you shouldnt have to. You just, “I’ve had no sleep but baby is freshly fed so you’re on duty snd i’m having time to myself.”

You have to open your mouth and speak.

My dh is in charge of ‘kitchen’, bins and cars. That is meal planning, food shopping, making (almost) all meals, cleaning the kitchen, paying cor the kids school lunches, petrol, car services, MOTs. I rarely get involved in ‘kitchen’ except for fun baking and lunches when I'm off work. I am bathrooms and laundry. We share most other things.

separate jobs might work.

Oh ha ha @EuclidianGeometryFan snap!