DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

Oh dear what a mess. I know you are kind of stuck in an emotional sense because you fear how things will go if you leave, but at the v least would you consider counselling for yourself? You need some support to, you can't carry the whole shitshow on your shoulders, and see if your mam would talk to a GP, maybe she d go for counselling if she s sees you going?
Ideally yes you d move out and build your own life, but you aren't at the point where you can see yourself doing that yet, but getting some space and support to sort your own head out would help in both the short and long term

Is your mum getting any help with menopause? Lots of the things you list could easily be attributed to the menopause and could also be the cause of the marriage deterioration. Snapping at everyone, short tempered, forgetting you're working and interrupting etc...

I remember having to walk on eggshells around my mum when she was in her 50s...

I'd suggest a visit to the GP for her.

You mention a history of alcoholism in your family, OP. I think you might find the answer to some of your troubles in the Al Anon programme. You can attend meetings online if there aren’t any local to you.

You're a lovely daughter trying to help your mum , depending on mums age could she possibly be in peri menopause ?
I was very much the same as your mum , I felt uncontrollable anger and rage about absolutely nothing and the closest person copped it .
Your mum really doesn't mean it and probably when she's in her right mind because if it's peri then she's not she will feel absolutely awful .
Does your mum have a sister or friend that you could talk about this with that may be able to help ?
I do think that your mum needs to speak to someone as she's obviously very unhappy and you as lovely as you are can't fix her .
Sending big hugs to you both 😊

You've said she doesn't like being interrupted when she's working when you offer to make her a tea which is a nice thing to do but then you've said you don't like being interrupted when she offers to make you food which is a nice thing to do. You both need to respect each other's preferences.

Do you have a WhatsApp group. Set one up for just you and her and WhatsApp her and ask if she wants a tea, she can't bite your head off then. Ask her to do the same regarding making you food. It takes the urgency out of responding

@AnnaMagnani has it OP. Learn it now or learn it in 1/5/10/20/30 years.

You can get your arse handed to you on Mumsnet but it's always very much well-meaning, honest and astutely observed arse-handing!

"I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old. I just don’t have any money!
thanks for your unwarranted opinions on my relationship with my DM!"

Sort out your finances and be a rock for yourself.

Oh OP there is a Lot there for both you and your mum to deal with..... Is your dad abusive? Is there good reason for her to be ranting at/about him for her hours, or is it her own emotional regulation that's the issue? It does sound like whatever is going on menopause could have worsened matters given her moods and developing anxiety. Would she see a GP for a chat?
In the short term stay out of her office, and get noise cancelling headphones

It reveals you have a parentification relationship with your Mum. Instead of her being the adult and you being the child, you have assumed responsibility for ensuring the happiness of the adults.

It's in your posts now where you are of an age to leave home, are geographically isolated, the environment at home is miserable due to your parents but the only solution you are prepared to consider is you working harder to support your parents.

History of domestic abuse? Are you staying to protect your mum? That way lies madness.

Edit - and it won't be any different at home just because you've saved a house deposit so...

It sounds like the struggling marriage / bad behaviour from your dad (no offence obviously) is underpinning her attitude and resilience. Maybe her job is stressful as well, who knows. I would try to suggest something for the marriage like counselling, IDAS service, or divorce options, or confronting dad about some of the behaviours he does. Pick whichever seems the most appropriate of the above. Good luck.

I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old

...that is so very wrong. Seriously, OP, do you hear yourself? Your family of origin are doing bad things to your emotional health and will continue to for as long as you live with them.

Ok I'm roughly your Mums age & you're the age my gid daughter was when she was last living with me.

how do you get on with your Dad, is he ok, or does he really need to step up?

I think when your Mum is working or you are studying you need to agree on some ground rules. Do either of you want to asked if you want a drink/lunch pronouns to be left alone? If you want to be left alone, NO whinging about the other person not making you drinks/lunch.

are you trying to study in a communal area? Sounds like it. Can you not study in your room with your door closed??

can you not plan a time to do something together at a certain time each day? Play a game or watch a program, go for a walk, cook together? Just so there's a time she knows she'll get to talk to you??

hold back on the 'advice' & chirpy positive 'lifes great' stuff. Accept your outlook on life changes as you get older & some 20something being all 'blah blah I know better' can be very patronising.

Also could she be menopausal and in need of some HRT?

Maybe just leave her alone whilst shes working and then ask her to do the same with you?
It's not clear if she's actually disturbing your studying- just go to your room, shut door, put on NC headphones. Are you trying to study in communal areas?
20 minutes to be out of the house for the day is not much at all- could you pick 2 days a week when you go out to give her some space and time to decompress?

She sounds very stressed and potentially depressed, maybe ask if there's anything you can do without her needing to tell you that will lighten her load.

What is your dad doing that'd so problematic? Why haven't they divorced?

It's really inappropriate for a 9 yr old to be the rock of a family.

Your DM doesn't need support, she needs a divorce from your DF. The more she has you to 'support' her, the longer she can avoid addressing her own issues.

That post is really quite revealing, OP.

When I was this age and my mum was that age I remember her screaming the house down. It was bloody awful.

100%

Do you actually want to hear your Dad being moaned about for hours?
This is enmeshed behaviour and isn't actually very healthy.
I'd suggest you probably need to put in some boundaries rather than look to support her further. She needs to build better coping mechanisms than offloading onto you. Perpetual rumination isn't going to help her.

I totally get buying a property is your main priority but actually you will get invaluable experience and probably meet a lot of friends and have some fun by getting out on your own.
This sounds like such an unhealthy relationship you have and I really cant see it changing unless you make a big change. It doesnt sound like anyone is happy

I am sure that from your perspective it is a good option, to live at home.

But perhaps it's not such a good option from your mother's perspective.

It's probably about time your relationship moved onto a new stage. I think that would be difficult to do if you are still living at home.