DM ranting and raving doing my head in - how to cope!!

But she didn't leave though - that's the elephant in the room. And I know there are many, many reasons why women in abusive relationships find it difficult to break away. But the ultimate way of protecting you from witnessing and getting drawn into it, would have been to leave. Instead, she's allowed you, at age 9, to step in and act as a shield for her. And consequently in your mid-20s you are still shielding her now.

How do you think your Mum would react if you spoke openly about how you feel like you have on this post?

Have you always lived at home?

I agree. Also add the mothers own problematic relationship with alcohol.

All of this over decades it seems has eroded her agency.

She may need HRT - but she needs much more fundamental issues addressed first.

The OP has also been the victim of all of the above directly and indirectly and this will have taken its emotional toll and eroded or warped her sense of self. OP you are not a rock - you are a sponge for this toxicity. You are not strong as you think - you will have emotional deficits that you cant yet see. This is not a criticism of you but no CHILD can come through your experience unscathed. I say this as someone who has walked this path.

Have a look at the following:

https://adultchildren.org/
https://adultchildren.org/free-literature-english-translated/

https://coda.org/
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

https://napac.org.uk/

You shouldn't be the 'rock' or the 'glue' or anything else in your parent's marriage

If you can afford it, get to a counsellor who will help you see through all this

Have you ever lived away from home?

Oh OP, this is a mess and almost textbook for the child of a dysfunctional family with addictions. I'm so sorry you've ended up feeling responsible for the safety of your mum. Please read up about parentification and about being the adult child of alcoholic parents - I think a lot will resonate for you. It's going to take you a long long time to even begin to unhook from this horrible, sticky family dynamic and I wish you all the strength and luck in the world.

Op, my DB had MH problems and when he acted up he wouldn't listen to my DPs, only to me, so I felt I had to stay and intervene for them. I lived at home for far too long before moving out with my partner, and my DPs managed OK, no distressed calls for help, they learnt to manage him themselves. You're doing what I did, you're staying as family mediator but in all honesty your presence means they don't learn to manage alone, your DM isn't looking for outside help and both of them drink too much.

You’re making excuses when you should take some action. Gather your stuff daily and find somewhere to study - a library or cafe.
Forget your plan to buy a house - just move into a house share and live your own life; there’s no need for you to engage with other people’s relationship problems when you’re supposed to be studying. Your mum sounds really difficult and it’s just not your problem.
If you do well in your studies and get a good job then you can focus on buying a home.

I moved back in with my parents after a relationship breakdown. They were kind initially, but my mother became increasingly unpleasant and it became obvious she wanted me to move out. She was absolutely vile by the end. I felt stuck as I couldn't afford to live alone. By the end I was suicidal.

I met my partner. We had next to nothing and slept on a mattress on the floor in a cheap bedsit in the worst part of a city, but I was a thousand times happier. She now has my 50 year old brother living with her and his son and they're all tickety boo.

I think the time has come to find somewhere else to hang your hat and she's trying to let you know that. If that's the case, things will continue on a downward trajectory and she'll become more and more resentful, and with it, nastier.

Interesting how so many posters say that a woman who has experienced domestic abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse and control at the hands of an alcoholic has to be at the mercy of perimenopause.

OP, you do need to move out as you cannot be her protector. Adopting a bullish attitude does not do anything other than perhaps keeps this just not quite bad enough for her to leave.

Everybody else blaming her mother's ageing ovaries for everything and not the awful relationship/man - really?

You need to do your uni work elsewhere--library, cafe, etc.

As for supporting your dm emotionally--that is NOT your job nor is it your place. You come from an extremely dysfunctional family. No child should be made to be the "rock" ever, especially not at age 9. BOTH of your parents have done you a tremendous disservice by putting you into that position, and my best advice is stay out of their marital problems, stop "supporting" either one of them, because whatever you do will never be enough, and get away from them as soon as you can. Putting you in the middle of their crap marriage and making you feel that you were the force holding the family together was so, so wrong and damaging to you, and BOTH of your parents are guilty.

Op : How do I help my Mum?

All MN: you can't

Op: I don't like that answer - how do I help my mum?

Excellent from @Onlycoffee

What happens when you have saved up a house deposit - are you really going to feel able to leave?

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - both parents have long term problematic relationship with alcohol. Thats why they are both stuck and barely functional (now unable to cope with job / financial issues).

They will both get ill and probs lose their jobs, house and health.

The OP will then likely continue the unhealthy, unboundaried, parentified, enmeshed, co-dep relationship with her DM and take in in to her new home with her BF in the crisis.....and then her own hard earned career and relationship will fall apart at the seams.

I am also not looking to move out before buying a house for myself to live in (alone!). If I am having to live with housemates I’d rather stay put. I am very fortunate that my parents don’t charge me rent.

Perhaps the prospect of a mid-20s child not planning to move out of their house for years is stressing them out? It may suit you financially to stay there but consider the fact that maybe they need some space?

No 9 y/o should be the rock of the family. You have been parentified.

Now that you are an adult, your mum probably realises sub-consciously that a big part of the reason you are staying is because you feel obliged to be there to protect her. But that's not a healthy dynamic, nor is it appropriate. You are enmeshed. You cannot be her saviour - she is an adult and ultimately it's up to her to decide whether to stay or go.

What happens when you have saved up a house deposit - are you really going to feel able to leave? Is she really going to feel able to let you walk away, knowing that you are the balancing piece in this toxic marriage? And what happens if you stay for a bit longer and a bit longer after that - when does your life begin?

sounds like you are and have taken on a lot in the family for many years, it must be hard.

Is it worth encouraging your dm to have a gp appointment to check and see if there is anything that can help her menopause and also a blood test to see if there is anything else underlying?

Just read your most recent post.

You have been the victim of child abuse.

Look at the NSPCC website which states that a child witnessing domestic abuse is experiencing child abuse.

BOTH of your parents had a responsibilty to protect you from this situation and remove you from it. Neither did this - they have BOTH failed you.

You will have experienced cPTSD and your emotional development will have been stunted and compromised.

Your DM has lent on you from 9 years old (maybe thats all you can remember?) and caused you to become enmeshed and co-dependent with her. She is also emotionally abusing you currently and there are no healthy boundaries being displayed or held.

They are both addicts whos issues and ruminations are stuck in a deteriorating 24hr loop. Both of their physical health will soon collapse - sounds like MH has already eroded.

You will likley soon be their carers.

Get yourself out. Save yourself. You cannot save these two.

You have so much repair to do for yourself. Seek professional help.

I am the rock of this family and have been since I was about 9 years old.

Is this a self-appointed title or have your parents put this on you? Either way it’s extremely unhealthy.

IMO you should get out of there, financial plans or not. Sometimes you can’t have everything.

If you’re still adamant in staying, then make yourself scarce when your DM starts ranting. It’s the only way they’ll eventually get it. Ranting, venting and whining are habits and the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.

I have the opposite problem, my DD has decided to study from home but she’s both very messy/all over the place and has a tendency to moan about everything. Initially I suspected your DM was frustrated about you being at home but if you’re sure that’s not the case, then just put some distance between you two.

Having pretty well lived this unfortunately there's really not much more you can do to support DM in situ until/unless something forces her hand or she has an epiphany.

Short of that moving out and letting them get on with it is about all you can do for your own sanity and to perhaps force the issue to a head. But I understand why you're reluctant to do this.

How about, when the time is right, trying to establish some healthy boundaries and rules between yourselves about how you live together? Discussed in a friendly, practical way.

I ask this as I live with my adult DS, who is not as easy to live with as you sound, but we are both cognisant of each other's space and privacy and it works really well.
The other option is that you ask for peace for a certain period while studying e.g. I need to get my head down, can you give me space for the rest of the day. That way you can hold your DM to account when she bothers or interrupts you.

Sorry I've just seen this update and my last reply is really missing the mark. My suggestions are barely going to touch the sides.
I get that you want to make life better for your DM but it's not your responsibility, it's not your job.

The best thing you can do is support her to get help from CAB, women's aid, therapy etc and start untangling all the seemingly insurmountable problems so she can leave.

I am a DM of a DD around your age and situation.
I'm going to give you suggestions how to help your DM as you've asked, but first I think it's important your interests are also looked after.

The relationship has to change, your DM has to see you as a fully formed adult and respect your time, space and energy.
Show your DM that she is not responsible for you, she doesn't have to worry about you on top of everything else.

This might look clinical but what works for us is living fairly independently in the same house.

My DD has clearly stated her needs regarding study/WFH hours and I know to leave her alone in those times, and she does the same for me when I'm WFH.
I don't knock on her door, I don't speak to her more than a polite greeting if I see her in the kitchen, I don't text or call her.

Meals are similar, we work,sleep and eat at different times to each other so we mostly makes our own meals although sometimes I will make something for her and leave it in the fridge for her to heat up when she's ready.

I think you need to have an arrangement like this with your parents, without these kind of boundaries you aren't going to be able to sustain helping your DM.

I think it might be helpful to your DM to have pre arranged outings with you where she can rant, talk, chat, whatever, so a walk, coffee in a cafe, half day out to a gallery etc
It gives her time she knows you will be available, you're both out of the house and you can give her your full focus for that time to help her solve whatever issues are pressing.

Ask her to get back to you when she's thought about what she needs/wants you to help with, and then arrange do it together.

I completely understand moving out is not an option, we are in the same situation and I was initially overwhelmed thinking I had a child back home, but seeing her as an independent adult instead of my child has really made a difference.

You are inadvertently enabling and facilitating your DM to stay in this atrocious situation of subs abuse and DV.

You are trying to make it comfortable when she is at the end of her tether.

You are a parentified child and your loyalties to your DM are misplaced (should be to yourself) and are seemingly exacerbating anf prolonging an intolerable sitaution for you all.

Money isnt everything (saving to buy) - invest in both of your emotional health first with space and recovery and the finances will come later.

She needs to hit her rock bottom to take action - currently you are preventing her hitting that as you are trying to be a safety net / cushion. Both of yours MH will continue to detriorate in this set up and the burden can only negtatively impact your physical health, relationships, education / career / work opportunities.

Detach with love.