Ick of Christmas present from Dp

It is his daughter who should be offended. The effort and time taken to find these earrings was spent on you. It is she who got the afterthought copy.

The fact that he got so defensive makes me think he immediately saw your point and feels like an idiot.

Or maybe he's being defensive because he did a nice thing and the expensive present he bought her and she said she loved, has now been rejected, and he's been called thoughtless.

Leave the bastard then.

You’re using quite melodramatic language. He ‘dared to give’ and ‘someone throws a gift back in your face’. All very fraught.

She had an issue with something and communicated that to him. You may term that ‘taking the huff’, but I consider it to be what adults in healthy relationships do. Someone being unable to respond in kind and have a conversation would be a red flag to me.

I’ve been very happily married for almost 20
years and the thing that always strikes me about MN threads is how many people have completely normalised the inability to communicate . It’s the crux of about 90% of the threads.

He really should have picked a different design for his 9-year-old. I'm of the opinion that 9 is too young for expensive designer brand jewellery anyway, but that's a different story.

Yabu unreasonable for being their main caregiver on holiday (except for bathing the daughter if she prefers a female)

Yes, I can imagine myself saying something like that. I'd be really pissed off if I went to the trouble of finding earrings for someone and they reacted in the way op has.

Saying that tho, if he thought they were lovely and special and pretty I could see why he'd want to give his daughter something lovely special and pretty too

He said that he would have got a third pair for his mum if she wore earrings. 🙈 Omg, it gets worse!

He really is clueless, isn't he. Giving the same gift to his partner, mother (potentially) and kid takes all the romance out of the partner gift. I'm not sure why people can't see that.

OP, if you had given your partner a special pair of cufflinks, and then he found out you'd given the same pair in a different metal to your dad or brother - or both! - I bet the romantic shine would soon have worn off the gift for him, too.

The earrings are still just as nice a gift as before he gave the same pair to his daughter. But a special romantic gift between lovers, it is not.

The fact that he got so defensive makes me think he immediately saw your point and feels like an idiot.

Can you explain to him that to get the same gift as his daughter just takes all the romance out of yours?

And the idea of all three of you (incl. his mum) getting the same earrings is definitely a turn-off.

It's a bit odd to try and dress your partner and child the same - I wouldn't buy the same child for my son and my (imaginary) boyfriend as it kind of makes it seem like you're trying to make them look related. If a mum and daughter or auntie and niece then it's cute to match. But I don't think her mum would like the idea of him buying the two of you matching earrings either

Saying that though if they're plain I would just enjoy them, but next year say if we're gift giving please can daughter and I not match next time as I'd find it a bit odd if that was an ongoing theme :-)

He's reacting to the OP being ungrateful for something she initially liked and then took the huff over because he dared to give a similar (not the same) gift to his daughter.

That's not a red flag, that's just being a normal person when someone throws a gift back in your face.

Please don’t compete with a child, it’s weird.

It wasn’t thoughtless though - he selected nice earrings you were happy with and then gave some to his DD as well. That he’s thoughtless in the relationship seems to be the real issue here that you’re projecting onto a gift.

Now you've mentioned twins everyone's going to think your on a windup !

Remember, men think quite differently to us. In his eyes this is a unique gift that he will only give to the women he holds most dear to him. While you are offended that he would have given his mum the earrings too and that he gave them to his young daughter, to him this marks you out as a special woman. If he had given the same earrings to a work colleague then I would understand why you are upset, but on this one I think YABU (and I am a self professed member of the LTB brigade).

P.S. If you are looking for something to be upset about: the gift could be seen as sign of male ego - you are one of the women selected to be in his club (sort of thing). But as I know absolutely nothing about your DP this is a bit of a facetious suggestion.

I think it's a man shopping thing

I can certainly give up bothering with your AIBU, your issue is no skin off my nose.

Your posts are rather contradictory and unclear and there seems to be far more going on here than you’ll actually admit to. There does seem to be an element of competition with DD in terms of what you and she were given as an index of the value he has for you - hence the insistence that you get something different to her.

You claim you’d have been happy with something small selected just for you - but that’s exactly what he did and you’re not happy with that. If it was something else you didn’t like then you wouldn’t have been happy with that either, and if he did select something you liked but he gave DD something bigger I suspect you wouldn’t have been happy with that either.

i wasnt expecting a big present as payment just something small selected just from him to me

But he did! He bought what you have already described as exactly right for you. The fact that he bought a similar pair for his daughter afterwards should not detract from.what he got you. You admitted you loved them. Now you describe them as 'crumbs' because he also got a thoughtful gift for his daughter.

YABU

I often buy the same gift for different people.

If you see something nice and you think more than 1 person would like it, then you’d be a fool not to buy more than 1.

I really don’t see your issue here and you’re just trying to pick a fight for attention because you don’t think you got enough of it on Xmas, as you think the DD got more attention than you.
That’s what it boils down to.

If my DH told me that I didn’t put enough effort into his gift as I got 1 gift the same as I got my DS, then I’d be telling him that won’t be buying anything other than off the list in future.

This would annoy me. I’d find it lazy and a bit odd.

However, the key red flag for me would be how he reacted to you bringing it up. The defensiveness and ‘just throw them away’ wouldn’t be acceptable to me.

I think you should stop engaging with the posters on this thread who seem determined to paint you as some manner of melodramatic golddigger. They have decided they don’t like you, you’re not going to convince them otherwise.

I think there’s probably a lot more going on here than this being about the earrings.

You are obviously feeling in some sort of competition for his attention with his dd.

I think you’re being childish and petty. If dh bought me something and then bought it for dd bc he thought they were nice I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

Men don’t think that deeply about gifts - you are putting too many emotions/thought into the fact he went and bought you earrings and then thought “oh, dd would like those too” when he probably wasn’t that invested. He was probably rushing round the shops on Christmas Eve or ordered them last minute.

Who gives a shit?

I love the periscope thread 🤭

But she didn’t get ‘crumbs’ at all…