To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

You think being a parent gives you carte blanche to be with your adult child, spouse and GC every single Xmas without other In-laws being included?
You think you would be justified and entitled to gate-crash a Hotel stay?

You think you get to dictate to your adult child?

Really?

Explain please why you think these things are OK and how these actions will endear you to your child, their spouse, and GC?

When you end up entirely alone and your child had stopped all contact, was it worth it?

If by 'the abusers' you mean her parents, of course I'm not 'on their side'. I don't even know them.
I simply think people in this sort of situation should seek professional help before take the drastic step of becoming estranged from close family, based on what I've seen in my extended family,
As it happens, I've researched the subject online at the CPTSD Foundation & their advice exactly mirrors my comments;
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/01/30/family-estrangement-going-no-contact/#:~:text=Perhaps%20the%20biggest%20problem%20is,for%20%E2%80%9Cbeing%20so%20cold.%E2%80%9D
It's sad there are so many posts on this thread driven by anger and resentment that sensible discussion is impossible.
I'm simply stating the obvious & spouting plain common sense.

I'm assuming that OP won't give her children an abusive childhood like she had.

Given her experiences with her parents, she will probably be sensible and reasonable and understand that her children may need to spend time with their in-laws over the Christmas period and she wouldn't constantly insult her children's partners.

If they decided to spend Christmas alone in a hotel, she wouldn't stalk them, book into a hotel room next door for three days and two nights without asking if it was OK and tell the hotel to put them at the table next to OP's family .

Then, after spending 3 days during Christmas week with her grown up children, she probably wouldn't have a tantrum because they wouldn't visit on another day that week.

OP's father is a scary, shouty man and her mum is his enabler. OP and her DH are nothing like this so hopefully her adult children will enjoy spending some Christmases with their parents.

I would have felt very put out. Awful behaviour on your parents part imo. And not bringing gifts for their grandchildren? Ridiculous. We are supposed to love our parents but my goodness they make it difficult at times. It makes the point where they may need care & caring for even more fraught & complicated.

In fact, I'm someone with a slightly different perspective from yours.
I'm certainly nothing like the witch- type people being vilified on this thread, who, for all I know, might possibly have a completely different version of events. "Recollections may differ " to quote a well- known phrase.

Just out of interest, what type are you?

If it was obvious I wouldn’t have asked, I’m not a game player like my mother. What does seem to be obvious is that you are one of the mother-types being discussed on this thread.

This would bother me. They weren't invited, and by turning up they forced your hand. Nothing wrong was saying something.

Just wait till your children have grown up, where would you like to be? So yes YABU

You know nothing
Clam up

Bit much. That was a supportive and empathetic post.

Telling someone with abusive parents that they'll be sorry when they're dead is horrible. Whenever people post about their awful parents and in laws, some people use emotional blackmail to tell them that their parents are dead and that they would give anything to have them back for just an hour or a day and that the poster should be grateful that these abusive people are still alive.

You seem to be on the side of the abusers and other people supporting the abusers. It's not rude to challenge the people who are using emotional blackmail to guilt trip an OP who is the victim of abuse by her parents.

I'm not sure why, but the illiterate nature of your ridiculous and childish posts adds insult to injury. It's like argueing with a badly brought up child.

OP's parents are abusive and even though you now know that, you are doubling down on your crass and uninformed comments.

We have had similar issues with my parents, too long a story to go into now. What we did : one holiday we booked in Barcelona, another one in Istambul. Too far away for any family member to join us. Oh yes they were angry, but we had a great christmas ánd newyear. The following years we refused to go to theirs for christmas, only for a big(ger) family reunion on Boxing Day.

What an unnecessarily harsh response to someone who is agreeing with you 😂

It's not OP's dream so it was inappropriate of them. They likely knew it too given the history OP has shared.

So sorry this happened to you. Sounds awful and you certainly don't deserve it.

Your DH seems like a gem.

So sorry also about the posts criticising you. Very possibly from obnoxious parenting types.

Good luck for the New Year. Your own immediate family is the most important and I'm sure you're doing great. Your parents and others should be secondary in your focus - and maybe not even that given how they behave.

Hope this helps!!

You know nothing

Clam up

thats is very narcissist behaviour (on their part). They want constant attention and do not respect your boundaries. They will fight back if they feel their control over you is waning. Narcissists feel they have the right to tell their adult children what to do and will use a variety of means to get you to do what they want, including guilt tripping. It’s all rather toxic behaviour. In short would you accept that behaviour from a close friend? No. Then it’s not ok for them to do this. I would suggest you read up on narcissistic families. It will help you manage their behaviour and part of that is managing your own responses to their behaviour. You might not be able to control what they do but you can learn to manage your own responses and maintain boundaries. Good luck!

So you wouldn’t go on holiday without expressly telling everyone you know that they’re not invited? Just in case they turn up?

You wouldn’t think it was common bloody sense?

It was a reasonable response to an incredibly insensitive comment.

I think that's quite obvious.

You'd love to have abusive parents and spend your time placating them?

Honestly, there are some dreadful comments on this thread.

What's rude about it?

Some of us are unfortunate to have abusive parents, and I don't necessarily mean physically or sexually, but parents who are immensely critical, insulting, who scream and shout and turn every meeting into an anxious wait. They want an argument, and you know that, so you bite your tongue, try to be nice, take the abuse and walk on egg shells, only for them to blow up over some imagined slight anyway.

Having to spend time with my parents, particularly over the holidays, fills me with anxiety and dread and the end result was always the same - having to leave when the shouting and venom becomes too much.

So when people try the "but they're your parents", as the pp did, I find it quite offensive and belittling.

Nanny0gg was right to call out that small-mindedness.

Bully for you . You're can have a cookie.

And another one.

I would love it if my parents did this. If I had done it because I wanted a break with immediate family only then I would have told them so it didn’t happen. But I also wouldn’t have left my parents alone for Christmas.