To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

My daughter has allways been distant and quick tempered
So much has happened these last 6 months
It appeares she hates me on Christmas day she called me evil and a narcasist
I try so hard I'm on egg shells
There is a family event coming up she lives in Manchester me in norttingham
Her fathers family will be there we split 26 years ago he also hates me still I have seen him once in that time and he screamed shouted at me . My daughter says everything I do is not right because I did my hon degree partime she says its crap
I was there this past 6 months when her partner was diying and she had cancer womb had hysteractomy of course I was there I travelled stayed alot slept at hospice with daughter visited her when she had hysterectomy took her home I don't want a medal I'm mum it was natural
We bought her back up here after partners death since then been at her dad's and his partner he lives up her too
Since we are back she has turned in me visited 2 times each time aggressive goes stomping off
I apologised on Christmas day I said if I upset you I'm sorry
Since then she sent me a text can you sort celebration of life
I said think it best you do it as it's your personal tribute I had orginaly offered help but now I feel on the day she will gun for me if anything goes wrong . I so wanted to support hoped this would bring her closer
She let me support at hospital hospice and other things during this period . Once we dropped her at her dads that is it I am not spoken to contacted
She has organised celebration of life i have funded it
But it's her dad's family I have no family I am dreading 😕 it I don't know what to say or do
Of course I know she's grieving and hss been unwell herself
I am so worried about her she will live alone now far from family with no friends I'm worried but she doesn't want me involved no contact says I'm evil narcasistic mother

I assume the OP is the polar opposite of her parents so I highly doubt her children will be trying to avoid her.

Did you read what I wrote?

That I don't understand why some people don't understand the distress and abuse that people like the OP suffer?

And that you don't have to have suffered it yourself to understand?

But the parents did know that OP wanted a break without them (because of a long back story of rude and manipulative behaviour) and as compensation OP spent the 23rd Dec and had agreed to attend a family lunch on the 28th with her parents. They did this because Christmas is uncomfortable with OP's father having rages and OP's mother sobbing and guilt tripping and both parents' animosity to OP's DH. Her DH's parents get no look in.

But the parents didn't respect this at all. They said their farewells/see you after Christmas to OP's family in the full knowledge they were going to gatecrash their holiday within 24 hours. Then OPs father flew into a rage and called OP's husband "a dick" when he asked why the parents were at the hotel. The GPs also turned up without presents for the grandchildren's Christmas so they would be forced to go to their house to collect them ....

Then - despite spending December 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th with OPs family - her parents throw a huge wailing tantrum about them no longer spending the 28th with them.

I had a similar experience to you and for ages I thought it wasn't "valid"/real because it wasn't a huge big storm of easily definable abuse or a momentous one-off event. But then I read something where it was compared to giving someone a dead arm - you can punch someone on the arm once or twice in the same place and it has no effect, it only seems like something minor, but after you've done it enough over and over that they've got a dead arm, it's a very different impact. One punch after a dead arm hurts far more than the first punch did.

It's the build up over a long period of time, and it doesn't even necessarily have to escalate.

I went NC a long time ago and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I had to learn what was "normal" because everything I assumed was true really wasn't. On the other side of it half of me is amazed I let it go on that long and half of me is completely unsurprised given I was presented with an entirely different view of reality and no evidence or even a hint that anything else existed.

And just to add that this is normal - they are taking your energy, a bit parasitic, so you will become more and more drained and that’s why very important to have boundaries and protect them, though I imagine you have been trained not to, as they brought you up (hence therapy).

I think you are very thoughtful and insightful about your parents. I think was is deemed to be abusive has changed with time. I completely relate to the pretending they don’t know what’s wrong and gaslighting! If I were you I would not try to bring my dad round, just let him ignore you and ignore him, it sounds like that could be a blessing! I recommended therapy before but that takes time, for now perhaps it’s worth thinking about the kind of relationship you are willing to have with them and writing it all down for them. If you want them to have a relationship with the kids, how you can arrange that, and what you are willing to put up with in general. Just keep reiterating it when they push the boundaries (which they will).good luck!

U3a - 'university of the third age'.

An organisation for more 'mature' - well old people really- to get together and explore common interests; sports, research pursuits etc.

Best google it for the details. Sorry to use google as a verb.

Maintain your boundaries, try not to take on the guilt and don’t let it interfere with the positive relationships you have, esp with DH.
Grey Rock is a method that may help you.

It's University of the Third Age:

https://www.u3a.org.uk/

Activities and learning opportunities for older people

i think it is common for a lot off parents to live like yours's do, through their offspring.
can you suggest u3a to your dm?

You aren’t responsible for your parents happiness. The situation sounds very dysfunctional and must be extremely tiring. It’s great that you have some awareness of the dynamics at play and can hopefully help your own family from repeating some of these behaviours in future generations.
All the best

Time for an adult conversation with your dps … Really difficult situation for you and dh but it’s time to put a stop to the situation.
Talk to your parents and tell them you either want to spend Christmas as a couple with your dc because they clearly have a problem with your dh or you would like to include both sets of parents . Take it or leave it, that’s the deal.
Your dh is your choice , and your dp’s need to understand that ,he has a right to enjoy his Christmas too . Tell your dp’s it would be wonderful to all have a happy Christmas together but their actions are the ones that have prevented that happening in the past. Do what you and dh wish to do in future and if that doesn't include your dp’s , don’t tell them where you’ll be .

It's sad how many of us can see this.

I think OP has explained the wider situation. She’s detailed multiple times when she’s tried to sit down and talk with her parents - she’s either not listened to or overruled, and her father flies into a rage, shouts in temper, and ignores her for weeks. I also think that OP’s concern for her mothers’ safety at the hands of her father after these confrontations is very telling. OP’s post and updates read as a catalogue of abuse, which you are minimising here. It’s unlikely that her father would attend any kind of counselling, and as far as I can see he’s abusive. So why would you advocate attending counselling with an abuser ?

the consequences of going NC COULD be catastrophic for OP (as demonstrated in a previous, deleted thread).

I read that thread and find it disturbing that what you took from it was that the OP was wrong for not keeping in touch with her abusive mother. “Stay in contact at all costs with people who treat you like shit - otherwise you might miss a funeral and it will be YOUR fault”. What a message.

The deleted post that you refer to was about a very specific set of circumstances where OP had gone NC with her neglectful mother but was still close to her grandmother and as her mum was the person organising the funeral, OP wasn't invited.

Possibly there could be similar repercussions for OP if she did decide to go no contact, and that is something that she would need to consider.

However, a scenario where OP's scary, shouty dad would be willing to attend therapy sessions is extremely unlikely.

What I have been saying is that going NC is a drastic step with far-reaching consequences and should not be undertaken lightly. Professional advice/support may help the OP to react in a more adaptive way, ie not as a victim.

Secondly, the parents may be prepared to listen to an outside professional who is expert at managing such situations while they would not be prepared to listen to their DC.

What I don't approve of is telling the OP, who is in a vulnerable situation, what to do without actually knowing the wider situation, especially the perspectives of other family members, since the consequences of going NC COULD be catastrophic for OP (as demonstrated in a previous, deleted thread).

Perfectly put

The information in the link you have provided actually supports people going no contact, and explains the grieving process that they will go through, that they will have doubts but that they will eventually heal as it was the right thing for them to do.

'Many years passed for you during the emotional abuse that caused enormous damage, and it may take years to heal from it entirely. No contact is not a quick fix, even though you will feel enormous relief because of your new empowerment and freedom.

However, the grieving process will begin once you face the reality of the situation. You will grieve for the childhood and relationship you never received from your family. It is painful to realize that your parents and perhaps other family members did not love you.

You must also remember that you will doubt your decision and question yourself every day. Going no contact creates inner conflict because going no contact is life-changing forever.

The bottom line, going no contact is painful, but you will eventually heal.'

Your posts indicate that you don't approve the advice from many posters that OP should go no contact with her parents. If you actually agree with the information in your link, that going no contact is hard, but the right thing to do and eventually people will heal, I would agree with you. But that isn't what you have previously been saying.