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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

808 replies

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:31

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

OP posts:
MumonabikeE5 · 28/12/2024 08:13

Whist it might have been an unwanted surprise I think your husband was rude and unkind.

your parents came because they didn’t want to be alone, and because seeing your would be a pleasure. They were happy to surprise you

whilst it might not have been a welcome surprise, I can’t imagine being so rude to people unless I was intent on being NC with them going forward, as it was hurtful and ungracious

MaggieBsBoat · 28/12/2024 08:12

Omg
i always think my ILs are bad and then I hear about this kind of behaviour. I am not surprised your DH couldn’t help himself. I would’ve said something also. Going away somewhere for Christmas explicitly states that you don’t want to spend Christmas with them. It’s such a wild reach and manipulative behaviour from them.
My ILs have form for this kind of thing and I told my DH that next year i will not be seeing them at all. No doubt I’ll be sharing my own trials an tribulations on MN. Any hotel recommendations please let me know!

Eyresandgraces · 28/12/2024 08:10

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:06

Totally get this. Have tried multiple times to have an adult conversation with both parents about their behaviour and my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.
I also have to tread carefully with him as I worry about the ramifications for mum at home with him when he gets angry.
There is no grown ip behaviour from him.

Show quote history

Your dm is an adult.
It’s not for you to police their relationship. If your dm doesn’t like the way your df treats her then she needs to leave.

OneWittySquid · 28/12/2024 08:09

Different hotel next year but you should have spoken out instead of your poor dh he has utilmately been the fall guy here.

maxwellparker77 · 28/12/2024 08:09

ThatKhakiMoose · 28/12/2024 08:04

Gosh, you must all really not get on if you can't get along in a hotel, where you all have your own space. Honestly, having the whole family in a hotel sounds like a dream - no hosting, plenty of space apart, and sharing meals. I think it sounds nice. I don't blame your parents for being put out at the reception they got. They probably never dreamed they'd be so unwelcome.

It wasn't the whole family though. The op's parents orchestrated the surprise to exclude DH parents from Xmas day.

TTPDTS · 28/12/2024 08:07

I don't think you were unreasonable or your DH!

It was certainly not too late to be anything but delighted - you don't have to give a false happy / enthusiastic reaction when someone has purposefully put you in a situation you don't want to be in, that would just encourage the behaviour. They sound rude and manipulative from what you've written, I wouldn't be putting up with that in your DHs shoes.

They decided to do something they knew you wouldn't be happy with - especially given how much upset and stress there has been of late in your relationship. It feels like they decided to do it as a one up - probably thinking you'd have to play along as you have done for years, and they'd get what they wanted to your detriment.

People saying it sounds nice etc - it doesn't sound nice to have family members you have a strained relationship with turn up to your Christmas break uninvited, especially when a question of "why are you here" turns into someone flipping and calling people dicks!

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:06

AsTheLightFades · 28/12/2024 07:59

Can no adult on MN have an adult conversation with another adult about acceptable behaviour?
Is being unable to express your thoughts, wants and needs a criteria for 'membership'?

Edited

Totally get this. Have tried multiple times to have an adult conversation with both parents about their behaviour and my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.
I also have to tread carefully with him as I worry about the ramifications for mum at home with him when he gets angry.
There is no grown ip behaviour from him.

OP posts:
ThatKhakiMoose · 28/12/2024 08:04

Gosh, you must all really not get on if you can't get along in a hotel, where you all have your own space. Honestly, having the whole family in a hotel sounds like a dream - no hosting, plenty of space apart, and sharing meals. I think it sounds nice. I don't blame your parents for being put out at the reception they got. They probably never dreamed they'd be so unwelcome.

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:02

YANBU, and neither is your DH.

Go somewhere else next year and don't tell them where, as they evidently can't respect (or maybe even recognise you have the right to any) boundaries.

oviraptor21 · 28/12/2024 08:02

I think your DH was admirably restrained. I would have refused to eat dinner with them. I may even have booked out of the hotel and tried to find another one or gone home.

I wouldn't bother with the Christmas presents. But I do think you (and not DH) need to have a long conversation about how you move forward from this.

Lightswitchup · 28/12/2024 08:01

I can’t imagine a scenario where I would do this to dd or to anyone. Parents like this just see their dc as an extension of themselves and not as people in their own right. So of course they can turn up. In their minds they can do whatever they like. But they probably know they would have been put off if suggested beforehand hence the ‘surprise’. OP knows her own parents, it isn’t benign.

harriethoyle · 28/12/2024 08:01

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:54

Totally get this - as does DH. He was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me. There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise that and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes. I wouldn't have said anything at the time and played along with it as usual - to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.
It undoubtedly ramped things up, but I am glad he said something as it's really brought it all to a head - just not at the best time, but as he said - they chose the timing.

Show quote history

So having read this @merrychristonabike i would suggest you have some therapy to unpick your appeasement of them and then once the dust has settled in a few months, you need to talk this through with them. I’d skip present giving in the next few days because if you go round and play along with things a) you undermine your DH with whom you agree b) everything gets swept under the carpet again…

AsTheLightFades · 28/12/2024 07:59

Can no adult on MN have an adult conversation with another adult about acceptable behaviour?
Is being unable to express your thoughts, wants and needs a criteria for 'membership'?

despairnow · 28/12/2024 07:56

I think it was odd if them to turn up uninvited but also awful if you to be furious they were there. Sounds like you just don't get on

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:56

ChannelFiveDrama · 28/12/2024 07:54

Were they intending to stay at the hotel or just a lunch/drink before heading off?

They booked in for the christmas package same as us, but booked 2 nights instead of 3 to "give us space".
We had xmas dinner together.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 28/12/2024 07:54

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

I agree with this. Why spoil the day for everyone, you could have had a nice day together and spoke about it afterwards. It's not surprising your dad was put out if DH had a go at him. They may have honestly thought it would be a nice surprise for you all.

ChannelFiveDrama · 28/12/2024 07:54

Were they intending to stay at the hotel or just a lunch/drink before heading off?

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:54

harriethoyle · 28/12/2024 07:46

Yanbu to feel they gate crashed but why did your husband raise it as an issue rather than you? I wouldn’t dream of raising dissatisfaction with my in laws behaviour on my dhs behalf - I can’t help but think that probably ramped things up…

Edited

Totally get this - as does DH. He was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me. There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise that and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes. I wouldn't have said anything at the time and played along with it as usual - to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.
It undoubtedly ramped things up, but I am glad he said something as it's really brought it all to a head - just not at the best time, but as he said - they chose the timing.

OP posts:
WillowTit · 28/12/2024 07:51

from your writing it sounds like you were rude
bit unncessary

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:48

Meadowfinch · 28/12/2024 07:44

It seems they wanted to share Christmas with you, or at least with their grandchildren, while excluding your dh's parents. It's nasty and manipulative, they want to gain the upper hand regardless of your wishes. How horrible.

Don't see them until Easter. If they want to visit, tell them you are booked elsewhere. Make it clear their actions have alienated you. That their behaviour is not acceptable.

I'd not tell them anything next Christmas. Choose a different hotel. Make it impossible for them to interfere. Don't tell them where you are going on holiday either. I hate that sort of stuff. It's bullying by any other name.

This is exactly how I feel! I haven't detailed their previous or recent behaviour on here for brevity, but I do feel they're manipulative, domineering, extremely jealous of my in-laws and generally self-centred and selfish, dressed up in victimisation
I should've also said in my OP that they saw us on Monday before we left and also see the grandkids every week, whereas the in-laws are further away and see them monthly the in-laws weren't even there but part of me thinks my parents were expecting them to be and that they'd caught us out!

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 28/12/2024 07:46

Yanbu to feel they gate crashed but why did your husband raise it as an issue rather than you? I wouldn’t dream of raising dissatisfaction with my in laws behaviour on my dhs behalf - I can’t help but think that probably ramped things up…

BilboBlaggin · 28/12/2024 07:45

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

Seriously? Are you the grandparent?

OP says they're dominating and overbearing. You don't reward bad behaviour, otherwise it gets repeated.

Meadowfinch · 28/12/2024 07:44

It seems they wanted to share Christmas with you, or at least with their grandchildren, while excluding your dh's parents. It's nasty and manipulative, they want to gain the upper hand regardless of your wishes. How horrible.

Don't see them until Easter. If they want to visit, tell them you are booked elsewhere. Make it clear their actions have alienated you. That their behaviour is not acceptable.

I'd not tell them anything next Christmas. Choose a different hotel. Make it impossible for them to interfere. Don't tell them where you are going on holiday either. I hate that sort of stuff. It's bullying by any other name.

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:42

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 28/12/2024 07:37

Why did you tell them where you were?

Because I never thought for a moment they'd turn up! 🙈

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.