To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

I think it’s rude to turn up as a surprise that people aren’t expecting. I also think you and your DH were rude, you should have sucked it up for that day and addressed it afterwards.

who else would the parents spend christmas with?

did the hotel put you all together?

@LadyTiredWinterBottom2 so if you have invited parents to your house before for Christmas, that gives them the right to turn up every Christmas whether you have invited them or not?

a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year.

normal families do meet up for christmas but you havent gone into this

To be honest, it just sounds like the Op is the emotionally immature one in this family. She’s happy to see her parents every week, likely uses them for childcare, but sneaks away at Christmas and is ‘furious’ when they turn up - in a public hotel accessible to anyone - like any random stranger can. What a way to show how to behave to her children.

you are all rude!
you, your dh, your df and your dm

what an awkward shambles

Her parents are rude, not OP. They are rude to her DH and his parents and who turns up to a meal at a hotel without an invitation? They are the ones who should be apologising.

Next year go somewhere else, don't tell them where you're going

Well, it's because they've been invited before, they thought their presence would be welcomed. Being asked by a family member they aren't keen on 'why are you here?' must have come across quite blunt and rude to be honest.

If you had been honest from the start and told them you want to be alone, you wouldn't have had to go to a hotel every year to avoid them and they would have been clear they weren't welcome.

Why would you think that dominating over bearing people wouldn't turn up?
Keep your plans to yourself in future.

Why is it always the adult DC on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour who are told to keep the peace etc? Why can the manipulative/emotionally immature parents not try keeping the peace for once? 🤨

(Been told this myself too many times over the years by/about similar parents and have realised that ‘keeping the peace’ means I get no peace of my own).

@WillowTit and the OP’s parents weren’t being rude?

Just out of interest, why are they not allowed to spend a christmas with you without your DH parents also being there?

In fairness isnt it quite normal in a lot of families to alternate, eg seeing one side of the family one christmas, the other side the next year? I can see why they feel a bit put out if theres a constant obsession with DH's parents having to be invited to everything they are invited to. Is that something your DH insists on? They aren't trying to 'exclude' your in laws they are probably happy for you to see each side separately occasionally thats all!

What they did was a bit off but tbf i can see why they take issue with your DH as it sounds like you placate them and leave it to your DH to raise issues with them so they probably think he's picking fights about stuff you weren't actually that bothered about.

Sounds awful

Honestly I'd stay away a little while until the dust settles. Then when you next see them you need to put boundaries in. "We didn't enjoy this year next year we will be going away just us / staying with the in-laws / getting abroad we will spend 2026 with you". Absolutely make it clear as early as possible. When autumn comes around remind them again, two weeks before Christmas remind them again.

You are not responsible for your parents relationship. I imagine you've walked on eggshells for years regarding your dad? You are only responsible for your actions, please don't be a doormat.

If it's the bickering that is causing the main friction you need to tell them, not at Christmas, or close to next Christmas but sit them down and explain why their company isn't pleasant

Well the fact they weren't invited again after their behaviour last time would have been a big clue that OP didn't want them there to spoil things again surely? Hence the 'surprise', they had to do it that way

You do know that you don't get ‘invited’ to stay at a hotel, you must book a room and turn up? Anyone can do it!

You all need to grow up, communicate effectively and generally be much kinder.

Your parents asking you about Christmas is normal, nothing wrong with that, just answer politely, no need to sneak off. They want to spend time with you so you and they should have come to an arrangement rather than them having to take such steps. Meanwhile they need to learn to share, if both sets of grandparents are there they should be understanding and gracious about it rather than (obviously) jealous.

Surprising you would have been lovely in most families so I'm guessing a much bigger back story than you have written ...

Effective communication and understanding everyone's needs is the solution. Plus why don't people want to spend a couple of days with their families???

but it was christmas day
no place for being rude
season of goodwill and peace

Everything said here!!

Absolutely. Took me years to realise this myself.

Would posters, who are saying the OP’s parents wanted it to be a pleasant surprise, be saying the same thing if it was manipulative in-laws turning up uninvited?

I don't think you were unreasonable given the nature of the relationship. I'd have a break from them for a good few months. Adult parents need to understand that the relationship must shift when children become adults themselves. Spending time with people that are difficult, rude, manipulative and bicker just isn't very pleasant. You can't reasonably expect your kids to continue to put up with it year on year. Don't feel pushed to apologize, just let it lie - so what if there are presents from them for the kids, on them to ensure they can post them. I'd go really low contact. And don't fear having that clear conversation about why. Your mum has made the choice to stay with a man who isn't very pleasant, that's on her.

controlling and manipulative of them!’I couldn’t get passed this behaviour