To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

How rude.

Your parents do this in order to put all the responsibility for their happiness onto you. There are two of them and they could have a lovely active retirement together, but they are deliberately choosing to shun any activities that don't involve you and your children. It is pure manipulation on their part.

Add to that their disdain for your husband and his family and that they expect their family group to consist of themselves, you, your children and your sister (and I presume her children if she has any) and it is clear that you can never have a normal, functional relationship with them without putting an unbearable strain on your marriage.

My folks think all of these things are below them. Mum told dad if he joined the local bowling club they "were finished". He joined the local swim club, lasted 8 weeks before he'd fallen out with everyone.
He told me he's basically misunderstood but that he can't have conversations with anyone as they can't match him for conversation, intelligence, class, etc 🙈

I do appreciate everyone's comments on here. It's really interesting reading all perspectives, as that's what I was looking for.

I can see why some people are perplexed by my stance/reaction in this instance. I think that's because I haven't detailed the relationship history as it's too long and complex.

And yet, it feels weird to have my parents referred to as 'abusers' because there isn't really one particular "really bad" thing they've done and it feels a bit of a slight on them but more so on people who have been physically abused or whose parents have been really neglectful or have harmed them. But I do feel there's a lot of manipulation, a lot of expectation and a lot of living vicariously through me and looking to me to provide their happiness/life as they don't have that. I've spent the majority of my life trying to make them happy/keep the peace and give them a distraction from their unhappy marriage.

As a wife and mother I can't give them as much attention now and I think this is a huge thing for them. My mum shows no empathy when I talk about being so busy with full time job, kids, husband who works away a bit - she just says it was harder for her and makes comments like "it's ok for you in your big house" or "must be nice to have a man that makes dinner, I never had that" or tells me how stressed out SHE is living with my dad. (I have offered her help in recent times to break away, but they never will as both are completely obsessed with how things look to other people on the outside - this seems to matter more than how family members are really feeling).

Their marriage is unhappy and I've grown up walking on eggshells to try so hard not to rock the boat so they won't fall out. I've seen a lot of rows and some 'mild' violence, which isn't acceptable, but again feel like - or have been made to believe - that it isn't THAT bad.

My dad hasn't spoken to me this year; we spent NYE at my DS and I texted happy new year on NYE. My mum replied the next day, my dad read it and didn't reply. Mum did call on Friday to ask when she could see the kids and to ask what was wrong?! She seems to always 'forget' that something major and hurtful happened and can't talk about it and instead denies any knowledge of what happened.

I understand the people saying that it just needs to be talked through. I've tried this several times - explained how I see the situation and how it makes me feel and what could we do to help them and fix things and move on; this never plays out in a mature, calm and rational way. I don't think they're willing or capable of any self awareness/self reflection or to accept any bit of accountability.

Neither DF nor DM speak to their siblings, which is telling in that - they feel slighted by something (always) and can't talk it through and cut the people off then say nobody cuts them any slack or appreciated what they do for them. This is what dad's done with me now - with him not speaking to or contacting me yet this year. He'll be content to think it's all my fault ams I've driven him to this. But he's the parent here.

Sorry - too long again. But thanks for your insight.

My folks think all of these things are below them. Mum told dad if he joined the local bowling club they "were finished". He joined the local swim club, lasted 8 weeks before he'd fallen out with everyone.
He told me he's basically misunderstood but that he can't have conversations with anyone as they can't match him for conversation, intelligence, class, etc 🙈

How old are your kids?
My friend has a manipulative MIL. She's very toxic.
My friend's concern is now her daughter is at senior school and has a phone that MIL will get manipulative with her via text and try and get her on side etc.
Just something to add to the mix.
Also abuse isn't just about physical stuff and full blown neglect. Have you had counselling to try and make sense of it?

Just wait till your children have grown up, where would you like to be? So yes YABU

Thanks 😊 TBF to DM she did a degree in later life, which DF did everything in his power to put her off of, but she graduated. Never used it though, but I was proud of her for completing it.

I do suspect that she won't participate in stuff like this now though; she is v creative and DS and I have bought her loads of art/craft stuff and lessons that she hasn't used.

She isn't doing anything creative or anything really with her time since she's retired. Just wasting away really. I feel so sorry for her, but a bit aggrieved in equal measure as she has her health and she could be making a good and full life for herself but chooses to stay in and watch tv all day every day. I suspect her and DF are very clinically depressed.

I've mentioned this, softly, but it's roundly met with defiance and indignance.

It's University of the Third Age:

https://www.u3a.org.uk/

Activities and learning opportunities for older people

I do appreciate everyone's comments on here. It's really interesting reading all perspectives, as that's what I was looking for.

I can see why some people are perplexed by my stance/reaction in this instance. I think that's because I haven't detailed the relationship history as it's too long and complex.

And yet, it feels weird to have my parents referred to as 'abusers' because there isn't really one particular "really bad" thing they've done and it feels a bit of a slight on them but more so on people who have been physically abused or whose parents have been really neglectful or have harmed them. But I do feel there's a lot of manipulation, a lot of expectation and a lot of living vicariously through me and looking to me to provide their happiness/life as they don't have that. I've spent the majority of my life trying to make them happy/keep the peace and give them a distraction from their unhappy marriage.

As a wife and mother I can't give them as much attention now and I think this is a huge thing for them. My mum shows no empathy when I talk about being so busy with full time job, kids, husband who works away a bit - she just says it was harder for her and makes comments like "it's ok for you in your big house" or "must be nice to have a man that makes dinner, I never had that" or tells me how stressed out SHE is living with my dad. (I have offered her help in recent times to break away, but they never will as both are completely obsessed with how things look to other people on the outside - this seems to matter more than how family members are really feeling).

Their marriage is unhappy and I've grown up walking on eggshells to try so hard not to rock the boat so they won't fall out. I've seen a lot of rows and some 'mild' violence, which isn't acceptable, but again feel like - or have been made to believe - that it isn't THAT bad.

My dad hasn't spoken to me this year; we spent NYE at my DS and I texted happy new year on NYE. My mum replied the next day, my dad read it and didn't reply. Mum did call on Friday to ask when she could see the kids and to ask what was wrong?! She seems to always 'forget' that something major and hurtful happened and can't talk about it and instead denies any knowledge of what happened.

I understand the people saying that it just needs to be talked through. I've tried this several times - explained how I see the situation and how it makes me feel and what could we do to help them and fix things and move on; this never plays out in a mature, calm and rational way. I don't think they're willing or capable of any self awareness/self reflection or to accept any bit of accountability.

Neither DF nor DM speak to their siblings, which is telling in that - they feel slighted by something (always) and can't talk it through and cut the people off then say nobody cuts them any slack or appreciated what they do for them. This is what dad's done with me now - with him not speaking to or contacting me yet this year. He'll be content to think it's all my fault ams I've driven him to this. But he's the parent here.

Sorry - too long again. But thanks for your insight.

@WillowTit @Nanny0gg I should've said, having googled u3a, I realised it's not a university. The example I gave of DM doing a degree in the past was to illustrate that she has had the wherewithal to do stuff outside her norm in the past, which I was proud of her for, but that now she wouldn't give any of this the time of day.
I once suggested she join a local craft group and she clearly thought the people who do that aren't up to her standards. "I mean, I know who goes to these classes and I couldn't stand to be in these gossipy bastards company". 😳🙄
How Groucho Marx of her 😂🙈

Thanks 😊 TBF to DM she did a degree in later life, which DF did everything in his power to put her off of, but she graduated. Never used it though, but I was proud of her for completing it.

I do suspect that she won't participate in stuff like this now though; she is v creative and DS and I have bought her loads of art/craft stuff and lessons that she hasn't used.

She isn't doing anything creative or anything really with her time since she's retired. Just wasting away really. I feel so sorry for her, but a bit aggrieved in equal measure as she has her health and she could be making a good and full life for herself but chooses to stay in and watch tv all day every day. I suspect her and DF are very clinically depressed.

I've mentioned this, softly, but it's roundly met with defiance and indignance.

Thanks 😊 TBF to DM she did a degree in later life, which DF did everything in his power to put her off of, but she graduated. Never used it though, but I was proud of her for completing it.

I do suspect that she won't participate in stuff like this now though; she is v creative and DS and I have bought her loads of art/craft stuff and lessons that she hasn't used.

She isn't doing anything creative or anything really with her time since she's retired. Just wasting away really. I feel so sorry for her, but a bit aggrieved in equal measure as she has her health and she could be making a good and full life for herself but chooses to stay in and watch tv all day every day. I suspect her and DF are very clinically depressed.

I've mentioned this, softly, but it's roundly met with defiance and indignance.