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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

808 replies

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:31

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:52

Jennyathemall · 28/12/2024 08:49

I dont get going to the hotel if they know the location and can just turn up anyway? Might as well just stay home?

The op didn't anticipate that degree of brass neck!

Longma · 28/12/2024 08:51

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

But they weren't invited.

The op and her dh wanted a family Christmas, just their immediate unit, which is perfectly acceptable.

You can't just turn up at other people's celebrations and expect to be included and welcomed.

pestowithwalnuts · 28/12/2024 08:51

These Christmas hotel breaks tend to get booked early.
So your parents must have planned this quite a while ago

Jennyathemall · 28/12/2024 08:49

I dont get going to the hotel if they know the location and can just turn up anyway? Might as well just stay home?

howaboutchocolate · 28/12/2024 08:49

Some posters are so weird about things like this op, don't listen to them. Your parents are the rude ones. It's really not acceptable behaviour to gatecrash anything.

I bet you'd have got a different response if you'd said it was your inlaws and not your parents doing it. One set of grandparents always gets preferential treatment on mumsnet for some reason.

Lobstercrisps · 28/12/2024 08:48

mitogoshigg · 28/12/2024 08:20

You all need to grow up, communicate effectively and generally be much kinder.

Your parents asking you about Christmas is normal, nothing wrong with that, just answer politely, no need to sneak off. They want to spend time with you so you and they should have come to an arrangement rather than them having to take such steps. Meanwhile they need to learn to share, if both sets of grandparents are there they should be understanding and gracious about it rather than (obviously) jealous.

Surprising you would have been lovely in most families so I'm guessing a much bigger back story than you have written ...

Effective communication and understanding everyone's needs is the solution. Plus why don't people want to spend a couple of days with their families???

Surprising would absolutely not be pleasant in my family!

I love my parents and i love my in laws.

But if we have gone somewhere like this on holiday and they turn up unexpectedly DH and I would not be happy at all.

Absolutely manipulative. Who on earth would be pleased to have their plans disrupted like this?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 28/12/2024 08:48

Wait, so because your parents act like dicks you also penalise your in laws by not spending Christmas with them either?? Assuming they didn’t act like dicks that seems unfair… Did I understand that correctly 😅 How does your DH feel about that??

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:48

StarlightStalagmite · 28/12/2024 08:39

I think some of the posters here don't know what it's like to have controlling and dominating parents.

I do, and to me it's clear they didn't tell you as they wanted to force a situation where you felt obliged to go along with what they wanted.

I think therapy is needed to help you to put in boundaries around this unhealthy dynamic.

For one thing, you don't 'have' to visit them because they conveniently forgot to bring presents with them so you have to see them another time.

To pp saying send kids off for a relaxed day with GP - they don't sound like a very relaxing pair - why should the kids have to be subjected to that?

So yes, really limit what you share with your parents in future about what you're doing (grey rock) and definitely look into therapy for yourself about why you feel the need to appease them.

This! I can understand why some people are saying I'm rude and out of order - because I've posted limited information about the back story - including a few weeks ago when my dad told me exactly what he thought of DH and me (so I was surprised he'd want to spend extended time with us).
But I feel like you understand this situation. Thanks!

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 28/12/2024 08:47

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:44

I have said this often to them. We want to enjoy some family time first, or, have xmas dinner on our own, but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.
I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

Show quote history

I get you, but this is where therapy may come in. To help you walk away and get on with your plans knowing you've informed them that's what's happening, end of, and to allow you to process their disapproval as something that comes from them, not caused by you and not your responsibility to solve.

Maray1967 · 28/12/2024 08:47

853ax · 28/12/2024 08:42

You can't decide who else will book into same hotel as you.
Perhaps they liked it when visited before so wanted to return too.

Maybe not, but I would be phoning the hotel and letting them know that I did not appreciate them being given a room next to ours . Hotel staff made an assumption here - that OP would be happy to be ‘surprised’ in this way. Does it not occur to hotel staff that this might be a problem?

OP, I would try to put this behind me by planning where you’re going next Christmas. Focus on that now. Good grandparents do not try to compete with the other set. My PIL and DF& DSM used to comment favourably on what the others had bought - and made an effort to get on.

BarbaraHoward · 28/12/2024 08:45

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2024 08:42

Did you actually say to them - ‘hey M+D, we are going to a hotel because we cannot face seeing you over christmas’?
Also, how rude of them to want to give their grandchildren gifts at christmas! (what’s a ‘Santa gift’)

Show quote history

What's a Santa gift? It's a... Gift from Santa. Confused OP's kids were trying to open their presents from Santa (usually the main gift, but that's irrelevant) but the grandparents couldn't even give them a few minutes to do that without making it all about them and their gift. They sound very overbearing.

ThatKhakiMoose · 28/12/2024 08:44

DowntonCrabbie · 28/12/2024 08:29

Are people genuinely this clueless?

Show quote history

Yes.

HoppityBun · 28/12/2024 08:44

mitogoshigg · 28/12/2024 08:20

You all need to grow up, communicate effectively and generally be much kinder.

Your parents asking you about Christmas is normal, nothing wrong with that, just answer politely, no need to sneak off. They want to spend time with you so you and they should have come to an arrangement rather than them having to take such steps. Meanwhile they need to learn to share, if both sets of grandparents are there they should be understanding and gracious about it rather than (obviously) jealous.

Surprising you would have been lovely in most families so I'm guessing a much bigger back story than you have written ...

Effective communication and understanding everyone's needs is the solution. Plus why don't people want to spend a couple of days with their families???

OP didn’t “sneak off” she went to the same hotel she and her family have gone to in previous years.

As for your last sentence- plenty of threads here on MN can explain plus centuries of literature

Original poster
merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:44

Catandsquirrel · 28/12/2024 08:40

I understand you weren't best pleased to see them but it wasn't the time for making a scene and being 'furious' after years of placatory behaviour. They didn't need your permission to be at the hotel. You see both them and the in laws regularly. If you can't say 'we're having family at home with just the kids this year', or just a visit on Christmas morning, I think that's on you at this stage on your lives. That said, if this is the end of you being so enmeshed (weekly visits you don't want, trying to please them), that can perhaps be a good thing. I would try some therapy to accept your role in this.

I have said this often to them. We want to enjoy some family time first, or, have xmas dinner on our own, but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.
I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:43

well they bought no presents this time

Which is odd... from everything the op has said I'd guess to ensue she has to take the kids to see them to get them after Xmas. Another control tactic?

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 08:43

@853ax do you really think that? Are you that naive?

BarbaraHoward · 28/12/2024 08:42

No idea why you're getting flack for not faking joy when wrong footed. I think I'd struggle to react positively if anyone surprised me by turning up to join a holiday - even if I would have welcomed them at the planning stage. It just completely changes the vibe of the trip to have extra people.

You're going to have to have a chat with them OP, but I doubt it'll go well, they don't sound like they'll be open to it.

Definitely choose a different hotel next year!

Don't let the kids' presents be bargaining chips.

Soontobe60 · 28/12/2024 08:42

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 08:35

Nothing secret about it. We have gone to the same hotel 4 Christmasses in a row. The second time we thought it'd be lovely to invite my M&D and the ILs. But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward when we were all together. That's why I didn't invite them this year.
I also made it clear to them before Christmas that we just wanted to spend Christmas as a a family of 4 - but that's not acceptable to M&D, which is why we starred going away in the first place.
In years gone by our kids could barely open santa gifts for my parents foisting their gifts on them.

Show quote history

Did you actually say to them - ‘hey M+D, we are going to a hotel because we cannot face seeing you over christmas’?
Also, how rude of them to want to give their grandchildren gifts at christmas! (what’s a ‘Santa gift’)

853ax · 28/12/2024 08:42

You can't decide who else will book into same hotel as you.
Perhaps they liked it when visited before so wanted to return too.

TitaniasAss · 28/12/2024 08:41

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

So if you have Christmas dinner with family once, it means that they can intrude on an future Christmas, when they have decided they want to spend it themselves? It's the OP's parents who were rude, with a lack of boundaries.

StarlightStalagmite · 28/12/2024 08:41

ErrolTheDragon · 28/12/2024 08:38

No.
Making it all about them, not about what the children would enjoy more.

Show quote history

It's not up to the grandparents to unilaterally decide how their grandchildren spend Christmas. And if it was about the kids, I doubt they would have left their Christmas gifts at home. Also, what any their daughter, OP?

thepariscrimefiles · 28/12/2024 08:41

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 08:28

who else would the parents spend christmas with?

They can just spend it with each other. They don't sound like the sort of parents that anyone would enjoy spending time with.

WillowTit · 28/12/2024 08:41

that is a shame op
i hope you can enjoy a peaceful Christmas of your choice next year

Catandsquirrel · 28/12/2024 08:40

I understand you weren't best pleased to see them but it wasn't the time for making a scene and being 'furious' after years of placatory behaviour. They didn't need your permission to be at the hotel. You see both them and the in laws regularly. If you can't say 'we're having family at home with just the kids this year', or just a visit on Christmas morning, I think that's on you at this stage on your lives. That said, if this is the end of you being so enmeshed (weekly visits you don't want, trying to please them), that can perhaps be a good thing. I would try some therapy to accept your role in this.

crumblingschools · 28/12/2024 08:40

@Soontobe60 do you think parents who turned up like they did would accept doing things separately?