To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

What about that scenario makes you think that being asked to move would have improved their behaviour?

i am not saying this at all @BrightonFrock
but as usual posters are winding themselves up with their own imagination, or their own experiences
excitement for posters i imagine

"Falls."

This was my MIL's favourite .... always to get my DH to come running.

Her best one was "I've fallen in the bedroom but the front door is locked from the inside - shall I go down and unlock it for you..."

This happened most weeks.

Well no, the exact to the letter scenario of OP’s parents making a scene from three tables away didn’t happen. Probably because OP didn’t ask for them to be moved (and the parents knew very well she wouldn’t). But even when they got what they wanted and were sat with OP and her family throughout, OP’s father STILL made things as uncomfortable as possible by refusing to talk to her husband.

What about that scenario makes you think that being asked to move would have improved their behaviour?

It's what the mother did today.

I see you've opted for buffoon.

Absolutely this.

The sudden doctors appointments. Secrecy and performance... "you won't care that I've been to the hospital today, I don't want to worry you either" with the grave face of being on deaths door when they've had a routine flu jab. Depending on the level your parents stoop to, faking cancer or other serious illness isn't actually unlikely.

Falls. Thinking someone is breaking in to the house.

Every family member and acquaintance will be rushed too, so they can most importantly get in there first, to perform as the victims, being denied their grandchildren.

Yes, this is all too accurate. Why, when OP’s mother is doing her weeping and wailing routine, does she never wail to her husband, saying, “Please don’t treat your own daughter like this; please don’t cause a rift by shouting at her husband that we’ve never liked him. Think of our relationship with our grandchildren!”?

Because she knows, or at least thinks, she can manipulate OP into giving in to avoid a row. She knows how to lay on the “How could you make your own mother cry?!” guilt trip. After all, look how many posters on this thread have responded in mawkish horror with “But they’re your parents!”, when they don’t even know or care about anyone involved. There’s still an expectation in many circles that children should have to always give in out of some kind of gratitude for their upbringing, or even their very existence. And while this behaviour isn’t exclusively confined to mothers and daughters, women are frequently cast in the role of peacemaker - so the guilt hits from both angles.

Are you on glue?

that was your imagination, giving completely your own spin on what could happen
it didnt actually happen
i suggest you use your reading skills rather than your imagination.

Oh an expect the theatrics of a sudden serious illness and flying monkeys in the form of other family to try and guilt you.
I simply refused to engage with that too.

YES be ready NOT to respond to the 'cancer tests', the 'heart failure' your angry auntie etc cross with what you have done to your poor mother and father.

Batten down the hatches and dont look back. These types get even more demanding and irrational/abusive with age as their MH declines - I would be swerving that chapter of their lives.

there are other ways of persuading people

and more bitching @LePetitMaman
totally uncalled for

Why such stupidity?

Great post.

OP, your father is a bully.
Always has been.
It has worked for him.
A house terrorist that bullys and abuses his family.
Your mother is his enabler and manipulator.
My parents were the same.

When I refused to see my parents after a tantrum from my father he called to my door and told me that he was sorry if I was upset but that I was a part of the family and didn't have any choice about contact..

Big mistake.
He found out that he was wrong when he died 21 years later and I never reversed my decision.

I never regretted walking away from the behaviour you describe.

It enabled me to live a peaceful calm life without drama.
It enabled me to raise a family without the ugliness my father brought to everything.

He too thought my highly educated academic, successful in laws weren't interesting enough.

He was blanked by them the year after my wedding at my wonder FIL's funeral.

They had zero interest in him or his company which he was confused by.
The ego🙄

He was a complete narcissist that completely underestimated his daughters steel.

You will never change them.
People like your parents sour the lives of those they touch.
Send that text.
Take a break.
Get therapy and forge a new future.
Consider moving if it makes life easier, just far away that makes running into them unlikely.
You will never regret it.

Oh an expect the theatrics of a sudden serious illness and flying monkeys in the form of other family to try and guilt you.
I simply refused to engage with that too.

@WillowTit because telling a woman(or anyone) that is being abused that is all in their head, rewriting the narrative and that they should just be nicer/kinder deserves it.

Even if the abusers are parents rather than a partner.

why such bitchy posts?

Your parents sound controlling and manipulative.

Why do you keep letting them in? Even now you’re answering the phone etc. Just say “I think it’s best we all have some space” and then block and mute for a while.

Ahhh.

Hello OP's mum.

So then the piece of shit manipulative bully parents could do their whole performance, wailing at their evil daughter, cruelly denying them Christmas with their family. Then they could glower/wail/scowl/"ohhhh I can't possibly eat now, you've ruined my Christmas" from three tables away amongst the other diners. What a fucking glorious idea.

oh only in your warped imagination @LePetitMaman

I can understand that you try to placate them because you're scared of the way your DF will treat DM if you don't. But this is keeping you trapped. Whatever you do will never be enough. You can give and give but your DF will still be abusive, your DM will still be manipulative. Your DM is an adult and you are not responsible for her. Look at what you and DH and DC need and try to detach from feeling responsible for your parents. They'll continue being the same dickheads if you're there to see it or not.

M

You might find this helpful for your future endeavours

I see the Mum as a covert bully also - she does the weeping and wailing victim in floods of tears in order to control and manipulate .... whilst the DF with his 'frightening, explosive, anger' is of the more overt type of bully.

They enable each other and spin with the OP around the "drama triangle" (rescuer, victim, perpetrator - look that up if not familiar) - so that she is exhausted, confused and exasperated and doesnt know which way is up.

I wouldn't send the message that was quoted in your post @merrychristonabike but I would follow the suggestions in it to the letter.
Don't have anything to do with them for a long time.
Do return any mail/gifts to them until you are ready to resume contact.
Do prepare yourself for the frightening explosive angry person that your father is. Don't back down.

You will come out of this a lot better than you went in.

This. 💯

Your Dad is the bully here.
It's not your job to police his bullying for your mother. You can point out to her that she is being bullied but that's it. Anything else is up to her.

You can however keep your children away and not expose them to the bullying.