To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

Apologising like this wouldn’t be a good start at holding boundaries. As described here it would be her taking the blame for the situation and giving the impression that she is going to work on herself for their sakes. No doubt her parents would feel vindicated if she did this. I agree that she needs counselling to set boundaries for herself in future but that shouldn’t be framed as doing so to prevent friction as though she is the cause of it all.

I'm glad you've found some peace at last. Your mum sounds absolutely dreadful so I won't say sorry for your loss. People with normal, decent parents don't understand the sheer relief you feel when that black cloud is no longer hanging over you.

I'm wondering about the part played here by money...,
OP, you've clearly landed on your feet in life. Did your parents make sacrifices to facilitate this to their disadvantage? If not, how did you manage to end up with your big house, marvellous PILs, great husband? Most people can't afford to take their families to hotels for Xmas. That isn't a criticism btw.
Also, are your roles now reversed partly because you subsidise DPs financially?
You say you invited them to join you at a hotel for Xmas. Did that involve paying for them?
I was simply thinking that this would explain a lot if it was the case.
Secondly, it sounds like they both have a lot of psychological issues and realistically your DM would not be able to survive alone so leaving your Dad is impractical.
Was your Dad always like this socially?
I'm again wondering why their situation hasn't generally held you back in the world? Again , no criticism or disrespect intended.
I hope my questions aren't too intrusive...

Reading some of the replies makes me wonder if some of the contributors have never dealt with really difficult family members. I had incredibly domineering, manipulative, coercive, controlling parents, with no concept of boundaries and respect was definitely a one-way thing. My mother's jealousy made her count the hours I spent with my in-laws, just in case they got more than she felt was right. She was a violent, controlling parent, and an invasive, nosey, needy, bully as a grandparent...oh, and one time I failed to fall into line, she phoned social services and told them I was an "unfit mother," then rang me to tell me what she'd done. She was driven by spite, mostly.

I tried the sitting down and talking about how this behaviour was causing an even wider rift, but I wasn't falling into line and doing what she wanted, so she simply stepped up the program and carried on.

You are NOT being unreasonable, and you certainly weren't rude. Do not apologise for your reaction to their obviously manipulative (and mistrustful) behaviour; they were expecting a reaction, or they wouldn't have just appeared like that.

My mother died last year.
Life without the daily bollocking is remarkably... peaceful, pleasant, even.. (sorry, not sorry).

No judgement here but I would suggest you might benefit from Professional help with your family dynamic.
In the meantime to prevent further stress in the short term, ‘apologise’ for your reaction at their surprise and maybe even tell them that you’ll be having Relationship Counselling to prevent Friction in the future. Hopefully that will give you to tools to set healthy boundaries all round

Manipulation is a form of abuse. There doesn't have to be 'one particular "really bad" thing' to occur for abuse to be present. Abuse can be a pattern of behaviours, such as frequent gaslighting, control-seeking or coercion, ie psychological abuse. People aren't saying this to slight your parents but just naming the behaviour that's being described. You don't have to regard your parents as abusers of course.

I would honestly think about whether you want a relationship with them. It sounds like you have tried multiple times to communicate effectively and they aren't listening, probably because they still get access to you so they still get what they want regardless of their behaviour. With people like this cutting all contact is usually the best way to get the message to sink in. They will either sit up and pay attention or their stubbornness will at least keep their negative behaviour out of your way.

I actually think many do but they have never had the confidence or will to confront their parents or assert boundaries so they have fallen into enabling patterns, no doubt some of them resolving that they will at least get their own turn to be the same way with their children once they become older.

No her parents are emotionally immature and many of you are so used to enabling this type of behaviour that you go to lengths to do so.
OP has stated clearly she has a precarious relationship with her parents so seeing them every week is likely the result of that relationship strain (ironically frequent visits can be the result of a good and a bad relationship).

OP you're YANBU and tbh many of these responses that say you were being rude or pacifying your parents are just pathetic to me. At some point as an adult you need to be able to stand up to your elders or you just become an enabler of manipulative and abusive behaviour and clearly many people here prioritise the appearance of peace above their own feelings. I'm glad you have a husband who is in your corner as well. It sounds like this is a longstanding problem your parents have given you and I recommend that when the time is right you maintain your boundaries and see if they're open to a mutually respectful relationship. If not, then just like we expect children to, they can live with the logical consequences of that.

Your dad’s anger isn’t your problem. Your mother has been dealing with him long before you and as it’s her husband she is going to have to deal with him.

If there is a history of physical violence then it’s even more important you separate yourself from all that and understand that your mom has to find it in herself to make steps to get out of that situation.

my grandfather was violent toward my father and grandmother. I was raised by my grandparents. He was violent toward me too. I understand the egg shells you feel like you’re walking on to avoid that anger.

You’re an adult with your own family to protect. So first you need to protect your peace and consider if you’re really the person you want to be with your family if you’re busy juggling the emotions of two adults. It’s not fair to you or your kids and spouse.

Take a deep breath. Put yourself and your family first. You’ve lived with that nonsense long enough.

Your comment above makes me think you do not understand how narcissist-like abuse works, otherwise you'd understand (demonstrated by not making such comments) how comments like this are insensitive and sometimes even harmful to a person who likely already doubts themselves after years of behaviour trampling their boundaries and forcing them to ignore their own needs or guilt tripping them for seeking to take space from bad experiences.

I've read the OP's comments in full and have no reason to dispute her experiences as she's laid them out. I therefore can't understand this reckless comment (my opinion) in the context. It could be life has given you experiences which mean you can't relate to her, but a bit of compassion and empathy would be nice.

Well there’s no reason they should have similar issues, as OP and her husband clearly understand boundaries.

I bet you’re one of these grandparents who throws a strop if they’re told they can’t just turn up any old time with no notice - the “I am NOT making an appointment to see my own grandchildren” crowd.

It’s just that your opinion doesn’t really add anything helpful and it’s quite rude towards OP, so people get angry as she’s had to put up with a lot already.

You haven't given your reasoning why the OP is unreasonable to

•Be with her in-laws exclusively some Christmases (bearing in mind that her parents were extremely rude to her in laws last time they were all together for Christmas)

•want Christmas away in a hotel with just her DH and children sometimes without her parents rudely gate-crashing in

Why do you think her parents should be able to get exclusive access every single Christmas?
Do his parents not matter?

Why do you think her parents are entitled to dictate to and overrule the OP?

Why can't you see that the way her parents are carrying on the OP may cut all contact completely - it would be entirely reasonable to do so - and her parents would be to blame for that.

They will be alone together and it'd be all their own fault.

If you can't see this you are indeed a fool.

I sincerely hope, if they are as toxic to their children as their parents are to them, that their children will enforce similar boundaries.

Wanting to pass dysfunctional relationships on over multiple generations is really sad.

In response to the first PP, they have not been 'banished' from the special occasion at all. Quite the reverse. They commandeered Christmas day and the 3-5 days immediately surrounding it, completely to the detriment of the other set of grandparents.

Let's hope DH's parents don't feel they are the ones being banished, but they might well be forgiven for that intepretation of events. Either way, OP/OP's DH lose out and are 'rude' for banishing their parents from a special event.

What's sauce for the goose, and all that...

@thepariscrimefiles has this spot on Op. Your DPs only want to do things with you and your DSis, your DHs are irrelevant to them, in fact they resent and dislike them because they threaten your parents hold on you.Your DPs don't really see you as adults, you're still supposed to be their DC who puts them before anyone in their eyes. As your DPs get older this will get worse, they won't want carers or cleaners, it will have to be you and the emotional blackmail will only get worse.
I really hope you can keep to your new resolve @merrychristonabike because as an adult you do get to choose what you do with your time.

You think that OP's children should be forced to witness her father's rages and "mild" violence?

Wow 😮

You seem incapable of reading all OP's posts which clearly explain why her parents' behaviour at Christmas was unacceptable and how it was just the tip of of a very large iceberg.

OP's and her DH's parenting is not toxic and enmeshed and they will be teaching their own children to have healthy boundaries so it is very unlikely that their children will avoid contact with them on special occasions. OP's parents have reaped what they sowed.

I might have missed a chapter but did you manage to get out of fetching the kids' presents? That would be the final straw for me!

That would depend on their behaviour towards their children.

A fool? I don't think so and frankly, that was extremely rude of you.

I sincerely hope they don't have similar issues when THEIR children grow up and decide to banish them from special occasions.

You were absolutely right to do what you did. Those Ten Commandments left out a very important detail. To honor those parents, they need to be worthy.