To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

You either can't be bothered to read all of OP's posts, or you don't recognise toxic abusive behaviour when you see it.

Oh for goodness sake! They are just acting as grandparents who love to spoil their grandchildren… weaponising them indeed!

The kids think they are great because they completely indulge them in a really unhealthy way. Of course kids love people who buy them excessive amounts of toys and sweets, never say no and let the kids choose what they do without regard for your routines and boundaries.

Were they this indulgent with you and your sister when you were a child? Did you have endless toys and sweets? Could you stay up as late as you wanted?

They are bribing your children to like them as another weapon against you and particularly your DH.

When they do have our kids they buy them excessive amounts of toys/sweets/don't say no and let the kids decide what's happening with no regard for usual routines etc. so the kids think they're great.

This is them being overbearing and intense - how do you know that they are not constantly bickering and that your DF doesnt fly into a rage as he is an frightening explosively-angry person when you they have your DCs?

Thankfully they don't act like this in front of the kids

YET. They behave atrociously with everyone - they have no friends left.

Its not 'if' - its 'when' - this is who and what they are.

You need to see them as an impulsive animal that one day will bite.

Thats the FOG talking. This is the reality - its a handy little reminder of the past couple of days to stick on the fridge when the toxic fog descends again to cloud and skew your judgement:

*there's an incredible lack of self awareness with them - they don't have any friends left.

DF has managed to cut everyone out over the years when they don't align with his ideals - he cuts contact with them, and I think their lack of a social life makes them even more intense with us - we are their life and all they have to focus on.

They don't like DS partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening.

He's an explosively-angry person.

my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

She never sees it from any other perspective than her own.

She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.

DM's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

but my parents were rude to ILs.

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.

I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward

my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.

DH was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me.

There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late

and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise

and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.

I do feel they're manipulative,

domineering,

extremely jealous of my in-laws

and generally self-centred and selfish,

dressed up in victimisation

but they completely dominate a situation,

have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years)

and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering,

them being overbearing and intense

my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick.

Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas,

ignored him at dinner

and left without saying goodbye to either of us,*

Dont let these toxic people pollute your DC and your marriage another day. You need some support to build and maintain your boundaries so that the inevitable damage done to your self worth can be repaired. Have your DC seen, heard or sensed any of this behaviour from your DPs or how it has impacted their dad and you. This is very damaging stuff.

Your DPs happiness is not your responsibility.

They don't demonstrate kind and loving behaviour? It's controlling and possessive and toxic. They are nasty to your partner. Who does that to their DGC if they love them!

They spoilt Christmas for you and the DC, not the behaviour of kind or loving parents.

You have been trained to be a people pleaser.

You need to read up about toxic parents.

OP, is there any reason to maintain contact with them, other than your fear of how your dad's anger may manifest towards your mother?

It doesn't sound as though they bring anything positive to your life. I get the FOG thing but, honestly, it sounds as though you'd be happier without them in your life.

What do you think childless couples do?

If you have an open and honest relationship with your sister I would aim to nourish it but I would be careful not to triangulate the relationships as this could just feed / fuel toxicity.

You may decide that a simple boundary is that you tell her in 3 simple lines what happened and what the consequence is and that you dont ask and she doesnt tell you any information about their situation as any feedback will get under your skin.

I would consider that you have been stuck in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) family dynamic and seek professional support to unpick this so that you are more confident moving forward.

As PP said expect them to up the ante to yank your chain - but be prepared to weather the storm and dont walk into any of their traps.

They need a nice long stretch of distance to reflect - but dont expect them to change.

Yes, it's going to be difficult, I'm afraid. If they sense they're losing the grip of control they exert over you, there will be instant pushback, and it will be strong. Google 'extinction burst'.

However, this will be your situation for the rest of your life unless you actively change it. In order to change it, there is nothing for it but to ride through this particularly destructive wave. It helps to understand some of the patterns coopted by abusive families, and to develop non-defensive strategies for dealing with them. Susan Forward's excellent book, Toxic Parents, helps to do just that. It's a game-changer and I can't recommend it highly enough.

You have some stormy waters to navigate, OP, but if you do so you'll emerge on the other end smooth-sailing, with peace in your life. Do nothing, and things remain exactly as they are.

I don't think this is any longer an option. In some ways perhaps it's good that things came to a head over these Christmas holidays in the way they have. You can get through this - and you don't ever have to spend another Christmas in an action replay of this one. Wouldn't that be the ideal gift?

I tried to have an " adult " conversation " with mine which resulted in even more stress because one of them doesn't like hearing the truth. Sometimes MN is a place to come and clear your thoughts to strangers. No harm all.

I often wonder why comments such as yours get put on here as forums, social media, blogs etc are made for things like this 🙄

Your parents sound rough as nails. Totally classless. I’m sorry they ruined your Christmas, OP

Ironic that on a thread about bullying you seem you be getting your kicks by tearing shreds off the other poster. Tone it down why don’t you, your OTT nastiness is unnecessary.

People who actually invited them? It’s quite telling that nobody did.

But presumably you chose to go on holiday with other families, rather than them just turning up?

What? Are you really saying OP and her family should have found another hotel on Christmas Eve, at huge inconvenience and expense, because her parents lacked the basic good manners and common sense not to gatecrash their daughter’s Christmas?!

Because most people don’t feel the need to lie about where they’re going in case family members turn up uninvited. Because most people wouldn’t behave in such an unhinged way.

I don’t think I told my parents the name of the hotel I stayed in on my last holiday, because I had no reason to do so. But I certainly didn’t actively keep it from them in case they booked in there too - because why would anyone do that?

100%

I see many posts where family members try to crash summer holidays, long weekend breaks, etc by booking the same hotel, and mumsnet is scathing over such behaviour. Add 'Christmas' to the holiday break and it's like they've all done a 180!

'Don’t be so hard on yourself, I imagine you’re only moderately cognitively impaired. I expect most people don’t even notice you.'

@Jennyathemall

With all due respect, Intelligent Jenny, you were the one having to ask why someone would go to a hotel.

Have you never been on holiday before? Or a short break away? And if you have, why did you choose to do that?

And there you have it. You can now answer your own question. Hopefully that was nice and simple for you. I can try and simplify it more, if needed. Did you need a handhold too?