To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

How awful. They need to apologise to you and your dh and kids. Until they apologise that’s it for them being part of your family. You don’t have to put up with these nasty selfish horrid people.

Horrible imposition I’d’ve been livid. I say fair play to your husband for tackling them — it’s his family Christmas they’ve ruined too.

I wouldn't want want to go to theirs to fetch the presents if that means dealing withyour Dad - no way. How come they came without the presents anyway? If you think your Mum wasaninnicent bystander then deal withher abiut the parcels.

They have been totally disrespectful to DH aand rude to boith of yoiu. Better for it to have comle out into the open really, don't you think?. I hope the kids weren't too shoicked??

There are times when we have dificult decisions to take in life. If they have been off with DH for 11 years, they aren't going to change. Partners we choose, parents we just 'get' !

Someone suggested oiu should apologise? That is just a joke after hearing your DH being called a dick.

I really sympathize with you.
In days of yore when you booked holidays off teletext we booked a holiday to Turkey. We happened to have in laws to stay when we got the stuff about the holiday through the post. I showed them in a general conversation fashion and went for a shower. When I came back down they had rung the travel company to stay in the same place at the same time! Husband went mad- why did you tell them he said!
I ended up moving our holiday but could not change flights so had a whopping taxi ride. i told them there had been an issue with our booking!

I’m glad your Husband spoke up, clearly he has your back and after everything this is the sort of partner you want by your side. It’s not like he has done this a lot from what you have said, just when it’s clearly got too much.

Do you think they did it to piss you off or do you think they where being nice and genuinely though it was a surprise.

clearly your reaction indicates not all is good in the hood between you and your parents.

I can actually see both sides point of view here. I feel like my parents are getting to the stage of needing us more than ever before. We have both sets of parents for Christmas and make the most of them all being here still. One day they won’t and that day will come sooner than you ever think. I however wouldn’t have liked the surprise , but even more so if it was my in laws rather than my own parents. Life is short. Make up and hopefully they can see their part wasn’t right in it all either.

YANBU OP, and your DH.
This is totally manipulative behaviour from your parents and I would be absolutely furious - furious enough to change the hotel booking completely for next year and keep it secret.
However I do think a frank conversation will be required in the new year with your parents. Good luck 💐

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know exactly how you felt.

These people truly are awful. Entitled to treat their children how they see fit, for all their lives...or else. May we never become them.

@Justhere65 the thing is , you can only have calm, rational discussions with people willing and able to do so. Do OP's parents really sound like calm ,reasonable people to you?

My mum ripped a tshirt off me (as an adult, in my own home) because she didn't like it and I didn't take it off when she told me to. How many calm , reasonable discussions would you be able to have with someone like that?

Exactly - that’s why I said @Justhere65 should read it!

When they do have our kids they buy them excessive amounts of toys/sweets/don't say no and let the kids decide what's happening with no regard for usual routines etc. so the kids think they're great.

And why do we establish healthy eating and regular routines for our children....to keep them calm, peaceful and emotionally regulated.

Disrupting this and overwhelming them will risk them being cranky and dysregulated .... I would be very very concerned about how your frightening, explosive and angry DF would react with them.

I would NEVER leave them alone with your DPs.

And I would never have my DCs in the presence of anyone who is always simmering, uncertain and everyone is on eggshells not to trigger their volatility.

Children are vigilant to, absorb and internalise these confusing and terrifying tensions from the adult environment - it causes distress that they dont understand to experience their own parents stressed.

Normalising and minimising that kind of behaviour is dangerous.

All the readers in abusive relationships, trying to work out 'is it me?', trying to work out how to leave, do not need to be told, falsely, 'yes it IS you, try a bit harder'.

Especially the frighening, angryand explosive DF who then ignores and gives the silent treatment for weeks and his performative weeping and wailing wife who cries for days on end if she doesnt get her way.

The OP has appeased these dysregulated and abusive characters all her life - she and her DH have tried to talk calmly to them and are met with aggression and emotional volatility.

What have I just read?

OP seems to have been very restrained.

How dare the parents "surprise" them

Why should they act delighted to see them.?
Weird

This is a summary of their behaviour as relayed directly by the OP....cut and pasted her exact words on this thread,

Read @Tikityboo’s summary of the OP’s parents’ behaviour and then tell me that these are the kind of people with whom you can calmly talk things through.

It's OP's parents who can't stay calm and talk things through, not OP.

Having turned up uninvited to the hotel, booking a room next to OP's room and a table next to OP's table, and after OP has spent Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and part of Thursday with her parents, OP's mum was wailing down the phone yesterday because OP wasn't visiting them that day.

It is exhausting for the OP having such hysterical parents.

So is having your self worth, esteem, self importance, needs, feelings trampled all over. From childhood long into adulthood. In fear of the abusive and manipulative behaviour you've had your whole life if you don't do exactly as you're told.

Like a PP said, there's 2 types of people on this thread in "disagreement" about these vile abusers. Those who've managed to get through life never having met one, and can't actually process what's written here as being possible, therefore it must be a crock of shit despite how many people are in explaining what's really going on. Or, they recognise their own behaviour and aren't going to stand for people on the internet calling it out any more than they let the people on their real lives do it, try and make out it's OP with the problem.

Way to blame the victim.

Slow handclap.

If you don't understand/ can't be bothered to rtft, can't you just leave the OP alone without piling on?

I would say it is. Everyone seems to get so hysterical these days instead of staying calm and talking things through. It must be exhausting.

I disagree

But that's not love (on either side)

And how do you think they'll be when the children get older (and may cross them)

Not this time though.

I have read the OP’s messages … ‘toxic behaviour’ is a phrase that is over used and often in the wrong situation.