To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

Have you read the post?

@merrychristonabike the ‘getting above your station’ used to be such a big thing in some parts of society. Quite prevalent where my DH grew up. I find it strange when parents can’t be pleased when their child has a more successful/affluent life, we never wanted ours to have the same struggles we had. A more normal emotion would be pride in their achievements.

I feel genuinely sorry for you, trying to juggle your children’s relationship with your parents, alongside the criticism and disapproval shown to you and your DH. I hope you can find a solution that means some contact, but on your terms.

Don't go pick up the gifts ,if they didn't bring them after "gatecrashing your family hotel stay . Create a wee bit of space for a while. Hopefully you will be able to have a wee calm chat about boundaries. Good luck.

YADNBU

A little harsh. You are lucky to have little insight in to dysfunctional families. I spent 60 years trying to communicate with mine before giving up.

Yeah, we really are now scraping the bottom
of the barrel of MN with the spiteful posts on this thread, classic example above and one post already deleted from “little mother” because it was just dripping with gleeful spite.

Doesn’t really matter what anyone’s opinion is on the subject in question, but it begs the question just how angry and bitter posters must be with their own lives to feel such a need to crucify a stranger who dares to contradict them. Really very sad individuals.

I don't understand why you spend so much time with them @merrychristonabike?

I wouldn't want my children spending time with people like your parents.

Holy shit. Next year your new Christmas tradition will have to be a holiday abroad!

I don't have parents - abandoned as a toddler - and even I think you're doing right by laying down boundaries. Please thank your DH for being such a star and start spending more time with his parents.

Instead of a 'refuge' hotel, after this shitshow, you can start having Christmas at home again without fear of them turning up if you handle it carefully going forward.

This would be my final straw OP. No more contact. Your father in particular sounds really toxic.

I feel so sorry for you OP. Do you think that your parents have ?
got worse over time ,? Are they the same with your DS ?
I agree with others who say not to say when and where you're going for Christmas.
Is it possible to book a hotel using a different name , providing you pay by cash . I had the horrible thought that you dm would be ringing around to likely hotels to find out if you had booked in.

Sorry your Christmas was ruined OP. Your parents should have respected your wishes and let you enjoy your Christmas as a family. Just because they didn’t have better plans doesn’t mean they can gatecrash. Do you think they would have done this if they could have spent Xmas with your DS ( I presume that’s your sister)? Who have they spent the last 4 Xmas’ with if not with you?

You are not at all unreasonable. personally if I was in this situation I would have told them politely that it is my family time with husband and kids and clearly communicate to them to not be present in my space. They came to a hotel that you were staying in, so if they want they can continue to stay there but they must give you the space and time you deserve and should not be part of your lunch/dinner etc.

Totally normal grandparents' tactics. Of course they buy the kids' love and it becomes a weapon.

My Granny never forgave my Mum for not bearing her a grandson to carry on the family name !

She would do anything to make me see her as super special. 'I'll cut the crusts off the toast for you: you can eat the yolks and leave the whites, do you want 3 eggs instead of 2; yes you can have all the crackling off the pork; of course you can leave the cabbage/green beans/brussel sprouts etc. ; yes you can have cream instead of milk on your cereal!

I would start googling ‘hotels Christmas 2025’ in a location as far away from them as possible.

Have they a good reason for not liking your DH? Because if they don’t that is terrible behaviour especially at Christmas and in front of your children. And how could they arrive without presents for your little ones? Shame on them.

I'm not saying get therapy because of this Christmas.

I'm saying it might be helpful to have therapy to unpack the toxic dynamic that seems to exist within the family. It sounds like this dynamic is long-standing.

I had therapy for a similar issue myself as I have a mother with a diagnosed personality disorder and grew up in a very toxic family dynamic. Therapy helped me to see the parts we all play in the dynamic and how to stop playing our own role and protect our mental health.

The fact that OP sees parents weekly out of duty/fear of their reaction sounds quite enmeshed.

Why do you think she feels she should appease them? Why anyone having a perfectly normal reaction when her DH us called a dick requires therapy, God only knows, there are lots of causes nothing to do MI, unless you are, of course, American.

Hi op,

i think that to navigate this you will need clear boundaries of when and where you see them for Xmas and absolutely no telling of what you are doing elsewhere.

when your DD will grow, it will be harder to keep the secret as no doubt they will prey on her independence to have her either ask if she can see them or where she went. So maybe you will have to just not see them. It is sad really that people with this behavior do not understand that they will drive others away further and further.

it looks like they suffer from this. Maybe consider mediation for you and your parents? Do you know who instigate this in your parents? See if the other one can help...? If they both are so intense...unfortunately... not much to do.

Good luck op 🌺

OMG - the cheek. What a pair of creeps!

Here are some of the highlights in the OPs own words of her DF & DM behaviour over the past few days:

there's an incredible lack of self awareness with them - they don't have any friends left.

DF has managed to cut everyone out over the years when they don't align with his ideals - he cuts contact with them, and I think their lack of a social life makes them even more intense with us - we are their life and all they have to focus on.

They don't like DS partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening.

He's an explosively-angry person.

my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

She never sees it from any other perspective than her own.

She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.

DM's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

but my parents were rude to ILs.

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.

I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward

my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.

DH was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me.

There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late

and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise

and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes to the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.

I do feel they're manipulative,

domineering,

extremely jealous of my in-laws

and generally self-centred and selfish,

dressed up in victimisation

but they completely dominate a situation,

have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years)

and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering,

them being overbearing and intense

my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick.

Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas,

ignored him at dinner

and left without saying goodbye to either of us,

Where did you read that between the lines? It certainly says nothing to that effect.

Do you think you could read OP's posts at least? It definitely helps.

I'd contact your dad and advocate for your husband.

Tell your parents that you purposely go to a hotel to spend Christmas as a nuclear family, so the fact they decided to turn up was a major overstep and super entitled.

I would say that the fact your dad singled out your husband completely deterred from the fact that neither of you wanted to spend Christmas with extended family.

if they try to guilt trip/call you ungrateful over the kids gifts - tell them to take them back.

i would tell your dad that until they both accept some accountability and sincerely apologise, you need to take an extended break from them for now.

Tell them that you and DH are a grown adult couple with your own family now so any decisions you make with regards to your little family, including how you spend holidays, should be respected.