To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

nope. If it is that bad OP may have to have it out with them very soon.

I have a lot of sympathy @merrychristonabike (love the user name by the way, I used that expression yesterday and thought how really weird it is!)

To my mind it’s actually stalkerish behaviour. But then I used to have a mother who would sometimes turn up outside my place of work on a Friday afternoon (teacher) it was the one day of the week I allowed myself to get out on the dot. So I could go for a swim and then do the food shopping. If she wanted to spend time with me she could have texted and organised it in the normal way…

It sounds a complex issue with your parents behaviour (like mine was - my mother was physically abusive). I ended up moving to Australia… one way of solving that and other issues.

Don’t reward this behaviour. When you do have a conversation about it both you and your husband should stick to a very clear script.

‘We booked to have Christmas as a family to relax. We were not expecting visitors we needed space at the end of a busy year. It’s normal to want time alone for our family. (On repeat)’

Or go very low contact - grey rock. I did that for years and after not speaking at all for eight years I’m doing it again. I would recommend completely cutting them out. That will cause you pain and guilt. Grey rock is best - and limited contact. Basically don’t tell them anything important. Remain neutral and unemotional…Text rather than chat if you can.

Best wishes - it’s highly stressful dealing with people like this.

Mine has estranged everyone - even after 60 odd years her best friend.

I don't understand how these parents can't see that their overbearing behaviour has the opposite effect of what they want.

Words are pointless with irrational people.

They need boundaries and the consequences for overstepping communicated.

Then action needs to be taken.

They then need to feel the impact of your consequence on them ie removing yourselves from their lives for a time and to committ to a change in behaviour otherwise the same consequence will happen again.

However given these parents behaviour cutting out friends / ignoring OP and givin the silent treatment .... it will be a loooong time.

That doesn't help with then being toxic, abusive arseholes the rest of the year though, does it?

Yeah, you're not going to fix their behavior through communication. They're crap people and you'd be better off without them in your lives. A period of low or no contact has a slim prospect of bringing them to their senses but I doubt it. Some people are just toxic.

I think that grandparents really like to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day. It’s only one day in a whole year. Maybe you could go off for your next hotel break on Boxing Day or the period between Christmas and New Year?
Next year be honest and just say you want to be away just with your husband and kids. Don’t say where you are staying. Say you haven’t decided but book it early!
Hope it all blows over.

They are competing for favorite grandparents. This is not a healthy relationship. Children need boundaries.

I don't understand how these parents can't see that their overbearing behaviour has the opposite effect of what they want. My best friend's dad has always been very dictatorial and forced her into making decisions that weren't her own. The eventual result has been that she moved 350 miles away from them. And now you've had to do the same @merrychristonabike

some people I guess have no self awareness whatsoever

I hope you went out and bought a new one!

If that’s directed at me, I would have thought my comment made this an unnecessary question.

Yes - do you have a problem with that?

I understand your DH was trying to support you following the experiences you have endured with your parents. It really is up to you or you and your DH to set healthy boundaries with your parents and present a united front. If they choose to disregard them then please keep reinforcing them. Tell them how much you care for them and this what you are able to offer, ie what is within your gift.

I also came across a quote that I have found particularly helpful….

‘remind yourself that you’re not obligated to live your life according to their expectations’

I sincerely hope you can find a mutual way forward.

“Dissing”? Are you a 12 year-old in 1991?

MN is a discussion forum. What’s the point in it if we can’t actually discuss things?

Ohhhh, you're that poster I put in their place under a new account name.

Got it.

(That I have reported @mnhq aren't fans of sock puppet accounts)

Perhaps speak to them directly rather than dissing them publicly?

Can you move farther away?

Please make sure that they don't intend to gate crash your visit to your sister! From what you said I can see that happening.

Read the thread, I don't often post on here but you are not helping the OP and should just butt out! If you cannot say anything positive, do not say anything at all.

Yes also final straw.

Create space. Silence. Why go to a hotel every year? Stay home and enjoy your peace. Wouldn't spend a Xmas with them again and they would not see my children again until something changed. Nor would it ever be so regularly.