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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

808 replies

merrychristonabike · 28/12/2024 07:31

Me DH and our kids went to a hotel for xmas - a tradition we adopted to escape the 'where will you be at xmas?' from mum and dad every year. We've invited them and my in-laws before, but it wasn't fun as my parents were clearly put out they were sharing the time with in-laws.
On arrival on xmas eve, my parents were there to 'surprise' us and we were furious. My husband later asked them why they were there and my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick. Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas, ignored him at dinner and left without saying goodbye to either of us,
It ruined the 3 night stay. They didn't bring the kids' gifts - I think so we will still have to go see them and I just can't face it. There's a bit of back story to their behaviour, but it's too long for here other than them being overbearing and intense. And I also just want to know AIBU? And what's your advice yo navigate this?

OP posts:
WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:50

no @merrychristonabike
you do what's best for your family group and your mental health

merrychristonabike · 29/12/2024 22:49

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:40

sounds complicated @merrychristonabike

It is so very complicated. And I know from your early posts that you didn't agree with my stance on this particular incident, which is completely fine. But it comes at the end of very many years of back story and incidents and tried-and-failed attempts of discussion and reasoning.
I love my parents very much and would like nothing more than to have them involved in all aspects of my family life - as has happened previously. But the reality is, I have been distancing myself (and my little family unit) from them in recent times because of how they act when they are involved in these moments. They dominate them, suck the joy out of them and make them all about them. We have to listen to my dad dictate and pontificate about everything and then put up with the bickering between him and mum when they're competing for the floor.
Imagine a child's 7th birthday party and your dominating it with football chat with sectarian overtones and him being indignant that not everyone is respecting his intelligence or knowledge on this subject. Does that sound appropriate?

OP posts:
BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:49

You could always report me. Although given I’ve used reactions that are available to every user on every post, I’d love to know what guidelines you’re going to claim I’ve broken.

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:46

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:45

quite pointless and in your case nasty

and again laughter reaction

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:45

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:45

Well actually, that’s exactly how the reactions function works!

quite pointless and in your case nasty

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:45

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:41

was it meant to be a secret reaction? for my eyes only?

Well actually, that’s exactly how the reactions function works!

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:41

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:40

Like tagging people to share their reactions to their comments? Yeah, you’re living quite the life.

was it meant to be a secret reaction? for my eyes only?

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:40

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:37

no@BrightonFrock
things to do

Like tagging people to share their reactions to their comments? Yeah, you’re living quite the life.

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:40

sounds complicated @merrychristonabike

merrychristonabike · 29/12/2024 22:38

despairnow · 29/12/2024 22:21

I would feel sad if my children didn't want to see me on Christmas Day. I'd find it hard to understand as I'd always want to see them. Not for convenience or control just because it's special and I love them! But I'd understand if they wanted to focus on their children for the day, so see them Boxing day. I think it's what comes from the heart too , I'd be hurt if they just didn't care I guess.

Agree. My ideal is to have my parents at everything and include them - as I have done for so many milestone moments in my and my children's lives.
I feel sad that my parents feel it's ok to berate me, my husband and try to micro manage every aspect of our lives. To remark when I've put on weight; to remark when I change jobs (for one which makes me less important in their words) to pass judgement on how I manage my home, to talk about me behind my back to extended family members, and to be jealous that I have in laws who are supportive and caring and helpful. To never be happy that even when we've invited them to join us on summer holidays to villas that it still doesn't meet their expectations and is somehow not quite what they had in mind. That makes me very sad indeed.

OP posts:
WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:37

no@BrightonFrock
things to do

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:36

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:31

@BrightonFrock Smile thanks for your laughter, as usual
ahem,
nothing better to do than Mind this thread?

You do realise that, to know how much time I’m spending “minding this thread”, you must be here just as often?

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:33

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:10

it is a free country!

Just because you can do something, it doesn’t mean you should!

You’re desperately trying to make it sound like OP’s parents have done her and her husband a massive favour by “only” staying two days when they weren’t even invited for one. Give it up!

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:31

@BrightonFrock Smile thanks for your laughter, as usual
ahem,
nothing better to do than Mind this thread?

despairnow · 29/12/2024 22:21

I would feel sad if my children didn't want to see me on Christmas Day. I'd find it hard to understand as I'd always want to see them. Not for convenience or control just because it's special and I love them! But I'd understand if they wanted to focus on their children for the day, so see them Boxing day. I think it's what comes from the heart too , I'd be hurt if they just didn't care I guess.

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 22:10

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:05

They weren’t meant to be there at all!

it is a free country!

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 22:05

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 21:52

they left to give the op space after 2 days

They weren’t meant to be there at all!

shehasglasses48 · 29/12/2024 21:54

Did you tell them where you were going? Massive sympathy btw x

WillowTit · 29/12/2024 21:52

Nantescalling · 29/12/2024 18:09

OMG - the cheek. What a pair of creeps!

they left to give the op space after 2 days

BlueSilverCats · 29/12/2024 21:42

Newbie999 · 29/12/2024 20:56

I think that grandparents really like to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day. It’s only one day in a whole year. Maybe you could go off for your next hotel break on Boxing Day or the period between Christmas and New Year?
Next year be honest and just say you want to be away just with your husband and kids. Don’t say where you are staying. Say you haven’t decided but book it early!
Hope it all blows over.

And I'd really like to win the lottery, but that's not happening either.

Tough titties on both counts.

TypingoftheDead · 29/12/2024 21:31

user1492757084 · 28/12/2024 07:42

Given that they surprised you, by then it was too late to be anything but delighted.
I think you were rude to react like you didn't want to see them.
You invited them one Christmas after all.

Maybe they felt like sharing a meal with you, without the in-laws, as a surprise.
You could have secreted the Hotel next Christmas to not have a repeat of this year.

The shock of seeing them made you rude; you should apologise.

I hope you do have a nice present opening.

Maybe send the kids with gifts and food and let them have a relaxed day at Grandparents playing cards and Chess.

Are you serious?

BrightonFrock · 29/12/2024 21:28

KikiandCo · 29/12/2024 21:12

Yes - my reply was in response to your derogatory ageist comment. In my view rather than ‘dissing’ people/friends/family in a public forum (even if anonymised) - perhaps trying to speak to them directly with a view to resolving differences might be more helpful?

Ageist?! 😆😆

Lunde · 29/12/2024 21:23

Newbie999 · 29/12/2024 20:56

I think that grandparents really like to see the grandchildren on Christmas Day. It’s only one day in a whole year. Maybe you could go off for your next hotel break on Boxing Day or the period between Christmas and New Year?
Next year be honest and just say you want to be away just with your husband and kids. Don’t say where you are staying. Say you haven’t decided but book it early!
Hope it all blows over.

But OP's parents refuse to let the other grandparents see their grandchildren at Christmas.

WasThatACorner · 29/12/2024 21:14

JLou08 · 28/12/2024 07:54

I agree with this. Why spoil the day for everyone, you could have had a nice day together and spoke about it afterwards. It's not surprising your dad was put out if DH had a go at him. They may have honestly thought it would be a nice surprise for you all.

If someone forces themselves on you, act like you're having a nice time and talk about it later.

Hmmmmmmm

KikiandCo · 29/12/2024 21:12

Yes - my reply was in response to your derogatory ageist comment. In my view rather than ‘dissing’ people/friends/family in a public forum (even if anonymised) - perhaps trying to speak to them directly with a view to resolving differences might be more helpful?