To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

OP has posted several times that she has tried this approach. Her mother turns on the waterworks and her dad shouts and denies that they are the problem. Can you explain how you can salvage a relationship with people who behave with complete disregard for anyone else, treat you with utter contempt and then blame you and shout you down when you try to discuss a way forward ?

And this is the tragedy of your situation.
You love your parents dearly and have tried to actively include them in your life and your children’s lives. But instead of being thankful and appreciating how lucky they are to have such a wonderful family, nothing you do is ever good enough. Your husband your job nothing. Soon it will be the children. Just think about how that would make you feel if they start to tell you your children aren’t clever enough, athletic enough pretty enough if they are too fat too thin etc.

The fact that they also dislike your sisters husband makes me suspect they would just like it to be you and your sister and them. Then dad could bully and control as head of the family, mum would get things her way and you and your sister would do as you were told…

You've sat them down and tried to talk but mum denies it all and dad gets angry. So there’s no point in repeating that. Sadly you need to remove yourself from their clutches. You are already worrying about what will happen when you see them. Do you really want to live like that? And keep your children away before they damage them.

Don’t contact them. Don’t block them. Yet. But don’t message them. Don’t agree to any meetings. If they turn up at your sisters be prepared to leave if they start any nonsense. Start explaining to the kids that granny and grandpa are being a bit silly and have said nasty things. This is all down to them and they will never change because they won’t accept any responsibility for their actions. Imagine the future….dad dominating school events graduations weddings…. Stop it now and walk away. You’ve really tried and they won’t behave. You can’t change them but you can change how you respond to them. Your husband and children are your family. Hopefully you are moving further away from your parents so that will help.

It’s so hard when you clearly love them dearly and want to include them but they just won’t behave.

Possibly not her intention but some people on this site are making very nasty / personal comments about her parents. If she genuinely wants to salvage her relationship with them and turn things around then perhaps sitting down and telling them how she feels (and listening to their concerns / perspective too) might be a more constructive move? It seems to me that some people (with notable exceptions) are rather enjoying the drama.

It's very intense behaviour.

If they had turned up full of cheer and with gifts and excited then it might have been different. Still very intense but palatable.

But they turned up and sabotaged the whole thing and were rude to your DH. This was your event and they had no right.

And not bringing the kids presents is pathetic and unacceptable

I'd be giving them a wide berth for the foreseeable. You need an apology. You only get a certain number of Christmas's with your kids and they messed at least one of them up.

TBH I would go no contact

As OP has said in her previous response to your post, she has tried numerous times to speak directly to her parents about their behaviour. Her parents acted how they always act, her mother in floods of tears and her father shouting aggressively with both denying that their behaviour is a problem.

People normally come onto Mumsnet for advice when they have tried all other avenues to resolve an issue and to hopefully receive not only advice but support and empathy. OP has got this from most posters with a few notable exceptions.

I'd feel totally suffocated by all this family time.

This just all sounds so shit for you and your family, OP. I hope you can plan better Christmas next year.

You absolute doormat. The rude and unkind people in this scenario are OP’s parents.

They surprised OP because they were aware she did not want to spend Christmas with them and if she knew they were coming she would have made sure she wasn’t there. They knew they were not welcome and thought the public pressure in a hotel would force OP to spend Christmas with them - which it did. Despite her DH being somewhat candid with them, OP did not treat them the way deserved (which would have been to let the hotel staff know her parents had stalked her to the hotel and ask for help ensuring she wasn’t harassed by them while she was there).

I remember once on Christmas Eve, I had hired a van (£200) to drive me and a friend and the extra large Christmas presents I had pre-arranged to deliver to my niece’s house far out in the country.
My brother lived across the lane from her and an ambulance was there and we stopped, and my niece’s husband came charging out to the road screaming at me to leave, screaming that he didn’t have to tell me anything. He was in a rage at me — we had spoken perhaps 8-10 words in the entire time I had known him, maybe 5 years.
My brother had just died. I couldn’t leave, because I had these huge Christmas gifts for the little children and only needed to drop them at his house — as arranged with him.
I’ve not spoken with them since, and I miss my brother.
People can be awful for no good reason.

@merrychristonabike

It sounds very difficult and painful. I had counselling over my Mum’s behaviour - she did some terrible things. Ruined many Christmas dinners when I was growing up.

For whatever reason your parents are not happy people…. Maybe they have a difficult marriage. Their unhappiness is not your problem. That’s on them.

The best piece of advice I ever got was ‘ you can control your own behaviour and reactions.’

So I reckon you do that now. They have really overstepped the mark - it’s quite obvious. You don’t need to explain why it’s overstepping. Your husband said something. It’s clear. So now you withdraw. You send a once a week text update - minimal information, hope you are both well. And you leave them to it. They will get cross and start to lash out. You maintain your line for your own happiness and sanity. Sometimes you can’t make the relationship work in a functional way and that’s ok. They may realise and sort it out. But this is unlikely.

My Mum overstepped massively over the summer when I visited - started to revert to type and reveal all the anger inside her. I stepped away. Told her I wasn’t going to listen.

I text her weekly and phone once in a blue moon. She something’s sends me a message saying ‘hope you have a good weekend’ which is code for ‘I’d like you to ring me.’ I don’t very often. She tries to control everything.

‘You reap what you sow.’

‘And in the end, the love you make is equal to the love you take…’

Best wishes - you sound like a decent person trying to do the best for everyone, but you will get split in half by this and it will make you sad for years unless you get your boundaries in place now. Xx

Exactly, it’s called being a supportive partner!

If you had read the thread or even just the OP's post, you might have gained a better understanding of the situation

But they were rude to just turn up!

It clearly wasn’t because they didn’t want to be alone!! They wanted to get one over on the in-laws and didn’t respect the wishes of their daughter and their family.

Have you read the post? You seem to have completely missed the point. You sound like a lovely person who has a wonderful relationship with their children. The OP does not have the benefit of having a parent like you.

Absolutely agree. I can’t believe some of the replies - I’m assuming either grandparents themselves or people who have unusually perfect family relationships.

what?! But they just turned up!! That is just rude.

why do you assume they’d have a nice day together? It sounds like they ruin get togethers. Why should their behaviour just be accepted? Because they are the grandparents? Because they are older? Respect and boundaries shouldn’t be based on age.

No, they were rude by turning up uninvited and unexpectedly! They were trying to get one over on the in-laws and clearly think they are entitled to be involved despite their previous argumentative behaviour.

They are totally out of order and quite honestly, childish. Smacks of entitlement and jealousy (of in-laws). I’d be fuming!

Imagine a child's 7th birthday party and your dominating it with football chat with sectarian overtones and him being indignant that not everyone is respecting his intelligence or knowledge on this subject. Does that sound appropriate?

Your poor DC. The lightness and joy drained from their birthday celebrations.

We had an insufferable (often hungover) single uncle who was a tedious dominaeering bore at the Christmas dinner table every year throughout my childhood and my memories are of all the tense adults and me trying not to breathe. I resent all the adults for prioritising his attendance and everyone tap dancing around him whilst he monologued incase he kicked off.

I dont allow these types of characters around my children.

You need to sit down and think whether your relationship with your parents is more important than that with your DH. You seem to be continually appeasing them to the detriment of your DH. Be very careful - this could backfire on you

My Mum used to do this to her parents- she never told me it was going to be a "surprise", she just insisted we had to go because they wanted us there- I'll never forget the look of horror on their faces when we turned up- they hated I hated it and even my Mum hated it. When she tried to pull the same trick a year or two down the line I was determined not to go, I feigned illness , then miraculously improved on Christmas day- she got the message.
This type of "surprise" is never welcome- why would it be- there weren't enough beds or food or even chairs, it was a nightmare all round.
How did they know where you would be staying and when you would be arriving?
I think you made a huge mistake making this information open, if you go to the same place every year, stop doing that.
Clearly they were offended by your wanting to spend time away from them, and this is a backhanded passive aggressive way of letting you know you can't just shrug them off like that, it's packaged as a lovely "surprise" but that is just a cover.
Go away next year, be sure not to tell them where ,or when you are travelling.
I know it's not welcome news but you have to face your Dad over this- tell him he needs to apologise and make it up with DH, or you will not be seeing much of him in future- when it comes to choice between your husband and your kids and your parents there is no way they can win-you need to tell him that, you may lose them, but if you do you are better off without them., if you don't face this now it will fester and only get worse- best to bite the bullet now.