To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

Having more self confidence doesn’t stop someone being abusive. And someone having only a limited ability to control and abuse you is a pretty low bar for behaviour. Changing your own behaviour from the patterns of the past is, of course, a good idea. And it might well mean no longer spending time with them as they are not a positive in your life and you aren’t forced into dealing with them anymore because you are a child and need their support. An adult and confident approach to people who treat you badly isn’t to keep seeing them and call them out. It’s to stop spending time with them.

I’m sure there are people for whom LC/NC can be problematic for those cutting/lowering contact. Especially if you are doing it as punishment with the expectation it will change their That does seem like a recipe for disaster. I suppose if you have parents who are so poor that it’s something you consider it’s probably not surprising that your own tools for coping might also be poor.

But if you’re not in the class of people so damaged their only response to bad behaviour is to want to punish, then I it can be a good solution and certainly doesn’t have to be something that results in obsession. I have examples in my own family (all my GM’s children went low/no-contact with her except my mother) where there was certainly no obsession and the people cutting/lowering contact just got on with their lives more happily.

Surely there's a clear limit to the 'control and abuse' DF can wield now that OP is a grown woman with, in her own words, a wonderful husband and family?

IMO someone in this situation needs to work on their self-confidence and process the reality of the present, rather than remain stuck in past patterns of behaviour. Hence the need for professional help.

One day OP and her DH may need GPs' help.

In any case, I beg to differ about NC and LC. I've witnessed the NC process over decades and found that, far from 'living their lives without worry ...', the cutters-off become stuck in a kind of obsessive resentment and self-pity they can't move on from and take every opportunity of telling anyone they can get to listen about how badly they've been treated. Personally, I don't have much time for it; it does no good.

Your posts are weird. You’re braying for blood - you keep jumping on other people’s comments and seem to really enjoy the prospect of OP cutting off her family rather than encouraging her to find a middle ground.

Are you a teacher?

I’m not advocating that OP go NC with her parents. I agree with you that it’s more serious than a bunch of strangers on an Internet forum are likely to be idea for. But I wouldn’t advise her standing up to her DF every time either. From some of the things OP has said he may be controlling and abusive in which case standing up to him each time would probably not be a good idea.

Going NC or LC with someone isn’t about “punishing” them. It’s about protecting yourself. The point of going NC isn’t to have them change their behaviour, it’s to enable you to live your life without worrying about how their behaviour is going to affect you or having to spend so much time thinking about them.

Specifically, I would pick DF up on it every time he did it, in whatever way I decided stood the best chance of working.
Beyond that, I think it's clear that OP needs professional help in managing her situation, help which goes far deeper into the circumstances than is possible in MN.
No, I didn't miss any of it. Indeed, I have plenty of personal experience of this kind of situation, so I'm not talking through my hat.
There are several instances in my extended family of people cutting contact with a member of the family. Nothing positive was ever achieved by it, but various innocent bystanders did get hurt in the process.
With the benefit of hindsight, the cutters-off were spreading pain and don't come out of it well. It's far better to stay and fight your ground, difficult though it may be. In that way, things can be resolved. Situations change anyhow. GPs are not going to come cringing back with their tails between their legs because they've been punished in the worst way.
I sometimes wonder whether the advocates of NC have actually done this themselves, or, more interestingly, have ever experienced this as victims.

@Boomer55 if you can "just be happy" at the click of the finger, I want some of whatever you're on.

Normal human beings don't work that way. Doormats do, but then they just PRETEND to be happy, just to make everyone else happy.

Unlike the OP I was very lucky to grow up in a "normal" loving family. Sadly none of my 3 siblings were alive to meet my children and my parents are no longer with us since my children were teenagers. But I can totally empathise with the OP and understand how some parents/siblings are just completely toxic and narcissistic. We no longer have contact with my partners dad because of his volatile behaviour and our lives are no longer stressful because he is no longer a part of our lives.
I'm so sorry you have had such a rubbish Christmas, because of your toxic parents. I hope you can find the strength to break away from them for at least a short while, if not for ever! You and your DH have done nothing wrong and deserve to be left alone to enjoy your Christmas how you want, with your DC and DH.
I hope 2025 is a better year for you and your immediate family 💐

Another one who clearly hasn’t read the OP’s posts properly…

This. It was Xmas - best to just be happy and not cause dramas🤷‍♀️

See, I take the flack from my in-laws to be the bad guy for my DH to be the one they blame for LC as it means he can slowly break away from them. I do it for him as I know how much they have tried to ruin his life and still keep trying. I’m proud of him for working though things and needing me to help him do it.

They are not respecting you or your boundaries.
you are going to have to spell it out to them exactly what space you expect. And explain how their behaviour affects you.
It sounds like they are blaming your husband for everything. You will need to stand up to them.
I would not go round for a while. Give everyone space. Let your parents understand they need to be invited into your life , not just assume and take over as you have been allowing them to. They won’t like it. You need to make them understand this is on your terms.

And how, specifically, would you 'work on getting OPs father to be polite to her DH'?

Did you miss the parts where she described her father's terrifying rage and how she walks on eggshells to avoid him taking out his disapproval on her mother? And that this behaviour pattern has been going on for years, it's not a one off spat?

Working at a relationship is a two way process, it cannot be all one way. That's abusive.

You have clearly totally misunderstood the OP, or, I suspect, not read it.

Grandparent relationships can be a wonderful bonus

They are not necessary. Especially with toxic people

Have you read her posts at all?

There are some absolutely barmy people on this thread! I hope you're ok OP and not reading too much into the comments from people who clearly have no idea what it's like to live in an abusive/controlling family.

I think this advice is overly confrontational. Okay, I quite understand why OP is upset, or rather, very angry. However, I don't agree the right response is to cut contact. Surely it would be preferable to find a way of improving the situation? The grandparental relationship is important for children.
I would prefer to work on eg getting OP's father to be polite to her DH, or at least not rude.
There may be something else driving GP's behaviour. We don't know.

I wish people would rtft and stop victim blaming. It's really damaging to be told that other people's bad behaviour could be fixed if only you tried a bit harder.

If all it took was a little bit of calm listening, I'm sure the OP could have sorted it out by now 🙄

No, I’m not but whatever. Have a good day.

With a mum that wails every time things don't go her way and a dad that flies into rages ? Seriously?

And the thought of them agreeing to family mediation is seriously deluded.

Likewise - they do the same for you.

They dont tho.

The OP has tried for decades to communicate in a civil way and their response is repeatedly 'frightening' and 'explosive anger' or 'weeping and wailing'.

Expectations and boundaries need to be clearly and simply stated and the consequences of overstepping them and/or emotionally abusive behaviours as above need to be consistently enacted and held firm until a change in behaviour results.

They are irrational and dysregulated in all relationships in their lives. Words are a waste of breath. Calm actions are the OPs only recourse.

It's an anonymous forum where people can field opinions and ask for support, FFS. She's not publicly 'dissing' her parents. 🙄

Inviting them for one Christmas does not constitute an open invitation to go every year. Gatecrashing is Gatecrashing. OP had every right to be annoyed. Why should she be delighted at others bad manners? I'd be pissed if it happened to me too. People with bad manners need to be called out on their behaviour, not welcomed into the fold.

You actively listen / hear them out without passing judgment. Likewise - they do the same for you. If the conversation is likely to turn into recriminations then family mediation is another option. Both sides need to be willing to commit with the long term goal of rebuilding trust. It’s worth a shot if their family relationships are valued / worth salvaging.