To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

I agree 100%. I've lost both my parents and I miss them dreadfully because they were fantastic, lovely people. They were not manipulative, nor did they have no concept of boundaries like the OPs.

Exactly this! The fucking tiresome "At least you've still got your parents! I'd give anything to be able to spend all my free time with mine, even if they were joy-sucking, manipulative, selfish twats"....
Some people really can't be arsed to see things from the OP's point of view at all...

Beautifully put! And good advice.

Book a hotel next year and don't tell anyone where it is. TBH i think you also need to feedback to the hotel you stayed in this year that it was not cool to let another party dictate room selection and seating without your knowledge, a lot of people go away to avoid family situations, I would be honest and say it ruined your stay.

But teacher is very cross, a note might not be enough.

Reducing contact is about protecting yourself not punishing the other person.

Well I have a note from my mum anyway.

Abuse and challenges are two different things.

Perhaps putting up with challenges teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

No you've got that wrong. Patience and resilience of what and for what? Abuse and aggression that you are inadvertently enabling by taking it?

Emotional resilence is showing people that they need to communicate and behave in a civil and respectful way by calmly requesting they speak appropriately and then walking away if they dont.

A very large portion of the population go in for angry shouting from time to time to time!

As for why should OP put up with this abuse..,. Er well, they're her parents!

Perhaps putting up with challenges teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

It's not about tolerating it it's about protecting yourself by disengaging.

I agree - detach, disengage, distance. Protect yourself by stating a boundary and a consequence and then calmly walk away. No one deserves to be shouted at. Thats a clear red line. Its emotional violence which is seemingly reserved and targeted for the OP and her family. I suspect he isnt barking and shouting at people in the street.

She says that currently she does want to maintain some contact with them. That's up to her. I understand how hard it is to go no contact with a parent.
There are ways to gradually lower contact and grey rock the relationship until you feel strong enough to completely stop contact, if you ever do.
Op needs to do what's right for her.

I don't think it's about accepting abuse.. it's just about how to deal with people you have to have some kind of contact with.

OP doesn’t have to have contact with them though.

I don't think it's about accepting abuse.. it's just about how to deal with people you have to have some kind of contact with. The best way is to work on accepting them for who they are rather than trying to get them to be better or respond better. This is not for their benefit but for yours. When you love someone you can pour so much energy into trying to connect with them in a different way or trying to change them.. as if you just tried harder they would be the person you want them to be... but if someone is abusive you need to stop. You need to accept that they are and always will be abusive. It's not got anything to do with you. There's nothing you can say or do that will stop them from being that type of person.
And then you need to detach emotionally to the point whatever manipulation or abuse they engage in is ineffectual on you. Because you know that's just how they are so you aren't going to waste any energy by engaging with it on any level.

For people who have to occasionally see abusive people for whatever reason then this is the best road to take to deal with that.
It's not about tolerating it it's about protecting yourself by disengaging.

Obviously this is regarding only emotional abuse and only people who aren't in your life all the time.
For example exes you have to co parent with.. or relatives you have to see occasionally and don't want to or or don't have a way to go completely no contact with yet

As you haven’t tagged anyone, I can’t be sure this particular slice of vitriol is aimed at me. But if it is, let me make it clear - I’m not excited at the prospect of OP cutting off her parents. I understand that that would be an incredibly difficult thing to do.

However, do I think OP has the right to cut contact - and that she should do it if that’s what it takes to break this pattern? Absolutely. OP comes across as a good person who’s been trying to keep everyone happy against the odds. If she now needs to take drastic action to keep herself and her family happy instead, then I for one will be cheerleading her all the way.

Sometimes we just have to accept that despite how much effort we put in, the people we love can't give us the relationship we need. Your parents are hurting you. They are putting a strain on your marriage and adding massive stress to your life. You've tried many times to explain yourself, to connect with them, to repair the relationship. You can't row the boat with one oar. They are not interested in compromising so you aren't being hurt. They don't care about your perspective. This is the end of the line in terms of expecting this relationship to become the healthy parent child relationship you might dream of having.
It's so sad and painful I know. But the constantly trying will eat away at you.. there's nothing you can do that will make them happy and love you without all these conditions. They aren't happy people and they aren't able to live without manipulation. That's just who they are. It's them not you.
Make your peace with who they are and don't expect more. Don't feel guilty about prioritising your psychological wellbeing. Look into the "gray rock" method for dealing with manipulative people you can't go completely no contact with.
Change the hotel you go to next year and rely absolutely no information regarding your plans to them or to anyone who may speak to them.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Their emotions aren't your responsibility. You've tried to reach out, they have repeatedly refused to make any changes. Thats it now.

In my own mind, it's a matter of accepting that the individual is like this eg angry, but realising I don't need to be affected by his behaviour eg DF is shouting (as usual). Okay, I knew he was going to do that, so I'm not too bothered. That's the way to go IMO. Just smile and think about something else.

Angry shouting is never acceptable for anyone.

Why should the OP, her DH and her DC or anyone endure this emotional abuse? What does that teach the next generation?

Look, if you want to make a complete idiot of yourself it’s no skin off my nose. But don’t be surprised that people point it out.

No - just switched on enough to tell when someone has skimmed the first post and taken incorrect conclusions from it.

I wasn't trying to say that the DPs need more self-confidence - I meant OP might benefit from building up her self-confidence. Just a thought.

It struck me that since the DPs appear to be behaving like children, a little more confidence might enable her to think of them as needy children and thus feel and be less manipulated by them.

As for two or more people going NC with one isolated person .... There are two cases in my family where two siblings have ganged up against a third and gone NC (for no sensible reason IMO). And yes, they're very pleased with themselves. As for the persons targeted, I do feel very sorry for them.

I wasn't meaning OP should try harder.

In my own mind, it's a matter of accepting that the individual is like this eg angry, but realising I don't need to be affected by his behaviour eg DF is shouting (as usual). Okay, I knew he was going to do that, so I'm not too bothered. That's the way to go IMO. Just smile and think about something else.

It doesn't work when you are genuinely under their control but I do believe it's feasible once you have your independence.

And I am speaking from experience!

I’ve also made comments on the thread that suggest’ that ‘low contact’ might be the way to go. The only behaviour the op can control is her own. Her parents have really overstepped completely acceptable boundaries and don’t seem open to conversation about it.

It doesn’t make you a bad person to back away from people who are causing you distress and pain after you have tried to resolve issues and I am speaking from personal experience.

Agree with a previous poster @merrychristonabike some counselling will help you if you haven’t already. People bang on about FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It may also take the pressure off you and your husband got you to have another place to vent and work on strategies with a professional.

Best wishes :)

I haven't advocated going NC. There is a world of space between going NC and realising that you cannot change someone else - especially someone who is angry and manipulative.

Your comments sound like if only OP tried a bit harder she should be able to get her controlling father to be nice to her husband. I think that sounds rather fat fetched.

But I agree, rushing straight from 'no boundaries' to 'no contact' is a massive and possibly unnecessary change.

You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.

It's your own time you're wasting.

I think they must be. Now go back and read the thread properly so you can pass the test. You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.