To be mad my folks gatecrashed xmas?

Surely 'calling out' is just other posters disagreeing with you? I do think you are minimising OP's parents' behaviour, particularly her father's. Whether you think it meets your definition of abuse or not, surely her dad constantly being 'explosively angry', shouting, flying into a rage and not speaking to OP for weeks is abhorrent and frightening behaviour.

Going NC isn't 'running way' from the problem. It's protecting OP and her family from this behaviour as her parents have demonstrated no capacity or desire to change.

Going NC is not running away from a problem. It is an acceptance of the inability, or unwillingness, of some people to change and an exercising of the right to protect oneself from the, often visceral, impact that they have. If someone is an abuser, toxic bully, or exceptionally difficult person, they aren’t entitled to have everyone around them twist themselves into a pretzel, or spend money and time having therapy, in order to keep the relationship going. It really is okay and can be healthy to say “no more” and withdraw oneself. It often does create some upset for others too but they are not victims of the person going NC! It is collateral damage which is why most people try everything they can before opting for NC. It is far from a painless or easy option.
It is awful to live with the fear of seeing someone’s name come up on a message, the phone ringing, or the knock at the door meaning you are yet again going to have to cope with very upsetting words and behaviour. It is extremely difficult to undo that conditioning, especially if it has been present since childhood. There is no obligation to undertake that work unless you feel you want to and that it would benefit you.
The onus isn’t on the OP to solve all the problems here. She has tried the obvious already. Her parents are behaving like bullies so she shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about taking a firm stand against this.

@SixtySomething what I don't get from your perspective is why would you invest effort, time and even money (if professional help is involved) just to learn how to ignore being shouted at and other abusive behaviours? You put in all the work, for what? Why?

The difficulty is, when you're in a dysfunctional/ abusive relationship your own view becomes very skewed. You can't imagine things being any different and you make excuses for the awful things the other party does (even to yourself) because otherwise the cognitive dissonance of staying is too painful.

Each isolated incident often doesn't sound 'that bad' to anyone outside, but the whole is more than the sum of is parts. This is why it's so painful for those who have been abused and often been gaslit by their abuser, to have outsiders tell them that x or y is not really as bad as they think/ the abuse wasn't that bad/ that's not even abuse is it? Without meaning to, you're siding with the abuser (or appearing to).

Of course learning coping strategies and ways to boost self esteem are useful but this is often near impossible while you're still deep in an enmeshed relationship with an abuser. Often some distance is helpful. As I said above, this doesn't have to be NC for ever, (but could be if the person decided that was preferable to living with abuse - they need to believe they have the right to that option if that's what it takes).

No one outside the relationship, certainly no one here with a little bit of written info to go on can know what's really going on. So no one here can determine whether those behaviours constitute abuse or not - but we don't need to, do we?OP posted looking for help and support. It's really harmful to dismiss the behaviour reported as angry and controlling with well everyone shouts occasionally, that's not abuse. It really depends on the context but from what OP has described, it sounds like it's abusive so why encourage her to believe that it isn't? That's not going to lead to resilience, it's going to be disempowering.

Some of the replies here skate very close to victim blaming and I really implore the posters to stop. These are sounding dangerously close to the age old 'but why didn't you just leave him? ' that women whose partners are violent get told. It's not helpful!

Yes of course everyone's entitled to express their opinion in an open forum but please think about the impact your words could be having on vulnerable readers, who may take them as evidence that they don't deserve help/it isn't that bad/ etc.

Why would you deny a vulnerable woman agency and support?

OP if you're still here I really wish you all the best for the new year and hope you can find the support you need to start making changes in order to have a happier, more peaceful life. We see you. It doesn't have to be this way. Living in fear is not normal and you don't have to endure it. 💐

Here is an official working definition of abuse that PP might want to update her knowledge:

https://www.devonsafeguardingadultspartnership.org.uk/abuse/emotional-abuse/#:~:text=It%20involves%20the%20regular%20and,their%20sense%20of%20self%20and

Intimidation and threats. This could be things like shouting, acting aggressively or just generally making you feel scared. This is often done as a way of making a person feel small and stopping them from standing up for themselves.
Criticism. This could be things like name-calling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
Undermining. This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you’re being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.
Being made to feel guilty. This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.

More from RELATE

https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

They might know it has something to do with treating your partner badly – name calling or making them feel small – but not be clear on what’s actually classed as emotional abuse, or whether it’s really as serious as other types.

But if you’re on the receiving end, it can be just as damaging and upsetting – and this is reflected in the law. The Serious Crime Act 2015 makes behaviour that is ‘controlling or coercive” towards another person in an intimate or family relationship’ punishable by a prison term of up to five years.

Quite. I'm pointing out that one does have a choice.

Or one can simply not put up with it anymore and put themselves in a situation where they're shouted at and have to "teach" themselves to ignore.

What I'm trying to put across is that as an adult one can choose to behave differently. One doesn't have to be conditioned; one can simply ignore. This is real.

Conditioning family members to do what you want by putting them in fear of losing your explosive temper IS abuse

have myself learned to ignore people who shout and I'm sure many others do the sme in real life.

Very telling.

Well, that is my honest opinion, as well as being factually accurate, ie that, for example, bitching about a family member to other relatives does not constitute abuse, although it is nasty behaviour.
Actually , all I'm doing, to repeat myself, is point out that OP might benefit from some coping mechanisms and that professional help would be a great thing in a difficult situation like this. I think that's more practical advice than going NC.
This is what I've done myself over the years and found it helpful. Eg I have myself learned to ignore people who shout and I'm sure many others do the sme in real life.

What a load of old shite !! Not least because you think going NC is about ‘punishment’. It’s nothing of the kind. It’s simply admitting that the behaviour won’t change and protecting yourself from it.

Unpleasant though the behaviour is, which you list above, I don't think a lot of it constitutes abuse. So far as I can see, it's mostly childish and needy.

If that's all you can understand, despite what is so obvious to everyone else, there's not much anyone else can do about that.

Op I've not read all of the thread but have read your posts.

Why do you love your parents?

Do you enjoy time with them?

They don't seem to love you.

If they were friends, would you still bother with them?

Why do people accept more shit from parents than friends?

Why are they held to a much lower standard when they should love you unconditionally & be supportive?

I'm not telling people, especially women, to suck it up.

You’re doing exactly that by trotting out the old “But they’re her parents!” line.

I'm not telling people, especially women, to suck it up. I'm saying it's better to learn the skills to deal with the situation, rather than go NC, which in my opinion is essentially running away from the problem.
Secondly, the essence of abuse, as I understand it, is that it's a misuse of power by the stronger party against the weaker party, where the recipient has no control.
Unpleasant though the behaviour is, which you list above, I don't think a lot of it constitutes abuse. So far as I can see, it's mostly childish and needy.
I'm simply suggesting an alternative approach, that OP learns, with professional help, to understand that she is now an independent adult and her parents don't in reality have the power of an abuser over her. That's all.
I'm afraid I don't respond to emotive and politically-charged language like being 'called out'. I'm simply offering a thought out opinion based on a great deal of practical experience.
I'm happy for you to look at it differently, so long as you're civil, and don't see why I'm not entitled to the same.

But you are objectively wrong. You have been called out by many posters - no one has defended you or your stance? Why are you defending any level of abuse and telling posters - assuming mainly women who are th recipients of abuse to suck it up - we have been fighting VAWG forever - ZERO tolerance is the start point.

Anything less that respectful and polite is unacceptable - why should anyone tolerate shouting - its objectively aggressive, uncontrolled, emotional dysregulation. Why are you being an apologist for that? This is an opportunity for you to learn and support others rather than derailing with 'whataboutery'

These are the abusive behaviours the OP has experienced - in her own words:

He's an explosively-angry person.

The thought of my dad's reaction to this is frightening.

my dad went mental at him and caused a scene.

They don't like DS partner either and bitch about them to us and likely vice versa.

She never sees it from any other perspective than her own.

She's always the victim and I'm always the perpetrator in her eyes.

DM's not entirely blameless in that she's also not behind the door in her constant remarks and observations about me/DH/kids etc.

but my parents were rude to ILs.

And last year mum cried every day in the run up to xmas saying it'll be the worst ever because we weren't doing what she wanted.

but that is always met with disdain and ignored or me made to feel bad for even suggesting it.

I've also sat both parents down several times to talk about how their behaviour affects me but again this is overlooked and over ruled.

But my parents were rude, ungracious, made the 4 days awkward

my dad flies into rage and then doesn't speak to me for weeks.

DH was at the end of the line with their behaviour and the way it's been affecting me.

There's been a lot of upset and stress involved with them of late

and it's a never-ending cycle as they don't recognise

and I try to placate them to keep the peace between them and so on it goes to
the detriment of my happiness as I've done for years.

I do feel they're manipulative,

domineering,

extremely jealous of my in-laws

and generally self-centred and selfish,

dressed up in victimisation

but they completely dominate a situation,

have made it clear they're not big fans of my DH (of 11 years)

and generally suck the joy out of social occasions with their constant bickering,

them being overbearing and intense

my dad flipped, telling my husband he'd always had his suspicions about him and generally being a dick.

Dad didn't wish DH merry Christmas,

ignored him at dinner

and left without saying goodbye to either of us,

I think it sounds dreadful. As I wrote in my first post, I think OP needs professional support to help establish a way of managing the situation. However, I would not call my opinion an assessment, as I haven't any experience of this situation at first hand. Also, I'm not professionally qualified to make an assessment. I'm just talking from personal experience.

@SixtySomething where do you think an angry and aggressive dad, enough to make OP worry about her mum in the aftermath , stands in your assessment?

No ,there's nothing at all wrong with my opinion. It's just a matter of how you slant and interpret the words.
'Putting up with abuse" was used in reply to an earlier poster who used this expression. ` I meant that from time to time one does put up with bad behaviour from one's nearest and dearest, including some of the behaviour described in OP's post. It's part of the normal give and take of life outside of MN. Personally, I would avoid the word "abuse" without defining my meaning. It can cover everything from calling someone a name to serious life-threatening crimes. Also its a very trendy term. When posters say they have been abused by their parents, we don't actually know in many cses whether their Mum called them 'a lazy s-d', or or whether they have been subjected to serious crimes. That's a part of why I say it would be good to be a bit more resilient. Of course I'm not defending criminals. I do think posters should be more specific when they state they have been 'abused' by their parents.

Christ alive, just when i think i’ve heard it all…

No-one has to put up with being angrily shouted at, controlled, manipulated or abused in any other way. No-one has to, and more than that, no-one should.

So in your opinion, OP should put up with this abuse because they are her parents? Does this apply to all children with abusive parents? That abuse teaches the next generation a bit of patience and resilience?

Do you not see anything problematic with this opinion?

This is starting to sound like my in-laws. Although in our case, my MIL is no better in her own way and hit and slapped my DH till he was old enough and strong enough to be able to stop her hand mid-arch as it were.
They would do exactly what you’ve described. As an isolated incident nothing was too bad (hence some of the replies) but it was truly awful to live with, My DH got some excellent counselling advice. He tried speaking to them once and they wouldn’t have it. His counsellor said not to try more than once. He didn’t cut them out of lives totally but we completely grey rocked them. Didn’t met and their house or ours and it was short manageable session. Look up FOG and grey rock - never tell them how you feel ever. It worked for us. Since FIL has died we do a little more with MIL but carefully maintain boundaries.
You've got this. Don’t correct their version of what happened here. Don’t comment on their barbs. If it’s hard to vote your tongue, pop to the loo or have a list of safe topics to start talking about, for FIL it was sport or himself! Ignore questions you don’t want to answer.
we used to give them a barb rating on the way home - score out of 10 for the effort and another score for impact on us. It was the counsellors suggestion as she said we should stop trying to change their behaviour. They weren’t up for changing. After about a year, we got home and realised we hadn’t talked about the rating. That felt amazing! Really left their behaviour with them.

Are you a doctor’s receptionist?

I'd happily dig up my awful mother for someone to spend Christmas with to see how soon they changed their minds about "giving everything" to have time with their family. (Answer: two hours max)