Visitors to newborn

Everyone’s different, and every family’s different. I didn’t feel able to ban family but hated having them round and often cried later. I’m really introverted (and a people pleaser!) but a difficult labour, emergency section and major haemorrhage plus a colicky tongue tied baby and difficulty breastfeeding meant I really wasn’t in any fit state to cope with anything except lying around in giant pants crying and leaking milk for a few weeks.

OP, I do hear your hurt. I think you’ve got to be the bigger person this time though. Just send a reply saying of course you understand, and just let you know when they feel ready and you’ll be thrilled to come bearing gifts and cuddles and to give any practical help they ask for, that you love her and are really excited to meet new baby in due course.

I told people that I wanted to give myself a week or two before I saw anyone with the mindset that I was giving myself a grace period incase I needed it and if I felt better than expected then I would invite people earlier. When my sister had her kids the house suddenly had a revolving door - her choice but watching it I was thinking how much I would absolutely hate that.

Well my in laws arrived at the house the same night we got home from hospital. I was raging. I was in a lot of pain, I hadn't had a chance to have a proper shower and I'm by nature quite private so I didn't want them there seeing me in that way. It made me feel very vulnerable. They then proceeded to find a way or an excuse to visit every bloody day. Then bringing people and their other grand kids with them. It caused massive arguments between myself and my husband because I felt that as it was his family it was up to him to stand up for our agreed plans. Of course fil made it explicitly clear that I was not to breastfeed in front of him which meant I had to go upstairs to feed a baby who was clusterfeeding... of course they complained about that. My own family hadn't even got the chance to meet ds by that stage and they were then getting angry that they were missing out because they were being respectful of what we'd told everyone. It was only when the midwife said to my husband the visits needed to stop to give me a chance to focus on feeding and that it was putting us under unnecessary pressure that he stood up for us. But to be honest years later I've never really forgiven them for it because the ONLY people they were thinking about in those moments were themselves. It certainly wasn't me who'd just had major surgery and it wasn't the child who was losing weight.

People lose all sight of a mother when a cute baby is possibly available for cuddles.

Op I'd say go with it, respect your dds wishes. She may then decide its not needed but if you make it a big deal you might risk the relationship. Very disappointing for you I know but this initial period really should be focused on the mother recovering and baby thriving. Everything else is secondary to that as hard as it may be to accept.

My sil also had a similar birth to me and she made sure she visited everyone and was all smiles and I thought she was enjoying it and she told me later she really massively struggled but felt she HAD to do it incase she offended people and she really believed it made it harder for her to recover from a horrible infection and ended her breastfeeding journey. I say good for any new mum who is able to just say what she needs.

No-one has the right to contact with that child apart from their parents.

It's a baby and not a toy or a possession. The health and wellbeing of the baby and mother is the only consideration here.

There's no cruelty or selfishness in prioritising that. Honestly if my family acted like this and made demands I'd make them wait a lot fucking longer because I won't put up with being bullied and pressured.

I really hope some of you work this shit out before you become grandparents yourselves.

I had visitors straight away because I wanted them to meet and love my baby, their family. If I could go back six months and do it again we'd have no visitors for the first week. My in laws are usually amazing.

It was SO overwhelming after a week of labour and no sleep to come home with this long awaited baby just to have in laws come in a group of 6 rather than the 2 grandparents as requested. Stayed to 2 hours regardless of being asked to leave as always had just one more thing to say. Wanted cuddles when I needed to feed. Kept telling me when baby needing feeding. Brought absolutely loads of gifts including things from people I'd never met. Expected me to open them and be grateful when I barely knew who or where I was. Asked me difficult and private questions about my daughter's birth and about the state of my vagina. Then proceeded to tell extended family personal details about my labour so every fucking person in the family now knows I had two tears and a cut and forceps.

People don't give a shit about the mother and just want to grab hold of the baby and insert themselves into a life experience which isn't theirs with no bloody regard for anyone else. Never again! If I ever have another baby they won't even know I've had the baby until visitors are welcome because everyone proved themselves to be so bloody selfish. And this behaviour was from a GOOD family.

Same. My own mother wanted to be there for mine and I said no. We’re not close whatsoever. My sister was due months after me so she was there for her. My sister snapped at her because she was being overbearing and called her a nag which was new for my mother since her and my sister are besties. For my sister; her golden child, to snap at her, I can only imagine how bad she was.

She didn’t meet DS1 until he was six weeks and DS2 until he was two weeks. Our dad didn’t meet DS1 until he was 11 mo and DS2 until he was 5 mo. They live in the States and our father wasn’t fully cleared to travel to see us due to health issues. Didn’t stop them from still bonding with their grandsons who they have video called every week since they were born. DS1 is almost 10 and DS2 7.

In-laws met DS1 at 6 days old and DS2 at a month old. They see our children more than my parents but we live 5+ hours from them and both boys know and love them too.

Not being there the first few days or weeks doesn’t mean there won’t be a bond later.

The OP isn’t asking for immediate access, just not to wait three weeks for a five minute visit to meet the child of the child she bore herself, when both are well and healthy.
Pretty cruel in my book.

100% this. After my first I was in agony after a very difficult delivery, struggling to establish breastfeeding. A few hours after the birth my parents, in laws, and SIL turned up at the hospital, they were invited, they did nothing wrong. But I found it totally overwhelming and spent much of their visit crying in the hospital toilet, after a 72 hour delivery I was exhausted.
With number 2 it was made clear that visitors would be when we got home, when both baby and I were ready, which was about day 4. Not an excessive wait for family, and very helpful for me.

It’s a new fad. This generation of mothers think they were the first to ever have a baby. Another popular decision seems to be to allow the maternal grandparents and keep the paternal lots away. It’s very decisive and shows what kind of people these mothers are.

Tsk. Hopefully my daughters -if indeed they have children - won't behave in this nonsensical fashion.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinions! I personally think it is, preventing others sharing joy with you is pretty much the definition of selfish to me... but there you go, each to their own!

Also, to add. The absolute last person I would want around me in labour and with a new baby would be my mother. She would be overbearing, bossy and make it all about her. Not every one wants or needs their mum at times like this and that needs to be respected too.

I wonder how many of these grandparents and other relatives complaining actually bring something toxic to the relationship and are kept at arms length.

I don't think it's a fad that people are following like sheep. I think that historically people had to have everyone visit because it was the done thing. I think women are becoming more assertive and putting boundaries in.

I wish I did. I was a bleeding mess for weeks and having to host unhelpful (and in some cases judgy) parents was extremely hard work

I think it's brilliant that new parents are setting boundaries that work for them/their family.

Much better than knackered and overwhelmed new mums having to host all the extended family the day they get home or even in hospital.

I remember my best friend telling me how shit she felt with the parents, in laws and siblings turning up all the time.
All wanted to hold the baby, stay too long etc. She was emotional, bleeding and freaked out and of course no-one noticed her.

With her second, she had no visitors for at least 2 weeks. Her mum grumbled and wanted to be the exception but friend knew that would open the floodgate of demands. She also didn't tell anyone but two closest friends she was in labour.

People generally don't like boundaries and others saying what they need. They call it selfish, self indulgent, call them snowflakes and silly. They take it personally and snipe about it.

What they actually feel is pissed off that others are prioritising themselves and not just pandering to others.

I wonder why it's so hard to respect what other people want? Why are they more important than the people who have given birth and are learning to parent their new baby.

Yes it's different to the 'good old days' but in a good way.

Aren't supportive... do you think that maybe that might be the reason for the boundary in the first place?

No, I think the reason for the ban in the first place is following a new fad like a sheep.

It's not selfish or controlling at all. How ridiculous

Yes friends say mother stays in bed while others look after the house and bring the baby to mum when it needs a feed

I think this is lovely. Your daughter has her own family now - she needs time to focus on that. Take your role as extended family with grace and I’m sure you’ll be welcomed when they’re comfortable.

I think it's tremendously selfish and controlling but seems increasingly common.

If there's no serious health concerns, surely some of the magic of those first few weeks is sharing in the joy with close family and friends.

I am immensely grateful my sister was not of this type, I brought her and her DS home from hospital on their discharge after giving birth the night before, and it was one of my proudest moments ever as aunty! The DS is now 15 and I treasure that feeling of seeing and holding him for the first time, 'new baby smell', and driving obsessively carefully all the way home. So special. It wouldn't have felt the same at two weeks for sure.

[Obviously caveat I do understand anyone with experience of trauma through baby loss or close family with severe vulnerabilities etc etc would feel the need to handle things differently, no judgment there at all!]

In those cultures the family aren't excluded though. The mum is looked after cooked for, house
work done etc. Not letting your immediate family meet your baby for weeks is just ridiculous!

I do wonder how these germophobic people manage when it’s a second or third baby and there are children bringing in all sorts from school and nursery and handling the baby.

Funny how many posters trot out the line about future childcare and how mums shouldn’t think to ask for help because they wouldn’t let anyone cuddle their newborn the first few weeks while she was healing and getting a handle on things.

It’s not really about the baby and the mum then if you’re going to hold a grudge, chooing not to spend time with your own grandchildren because you couldn’t hold them the first few weeks.

Could easily say not to be shocked when the mum decides not to ask you at all and only ask those who care more about mum and baby than their want for cuddles.

Now where did I say ‘the same’
trauma? Read again, carefully.
It was my DiL who pointed out that It was traumatic for DS. She is a medic and hearing all the urgent stats thought the baby was dying.DS thought they both were. So yes, traumatised indeed. Dear DiL had a painful recovery but wanted us to meet their baby. She knows us and loves us and we know how to conduct ourselves. We did not expect to be waited on.

What is the urgency to meet the baby? I don’t understand this. 80 year old will still meet the baby, just not ASAP?

OP’s relative might have had stitches, she might get an infection, she might have the onset of postpartum psychosis - if she isn’t ready for visitors at that stage, she isn’t ready. Why risk the baby during the height of flu season (there’s a pretty awful flu going around in case you hadn’t seen the newspapers). Why the pressure on this new mum?

The baby isn’t going to disappear in a cloud of smoke. Surely, showing care towards the baby’s mum (by giving her requested space) is as important and OP seeing the baby.

It’s a very strange new fad! Personally I couldn't wait to show mine off! Even DS1 a winter baby born at 35 weeks suffered no ill effects from visits from family when he was in scbu & later at home. He had his first cold at about 6 weeks old despite there being the usual winter bugs going round!

It is selfish to isolate with no visitors for weeks. We aren’t talking a few days and the OP hasn’t had surgery so your example doesn’t work.

But hey, when the OP needs babysitting when the child is older (and she finally permits people to meet the baby 😂) I guess as long as she extends them the same courtesy when they can’t, don’t want to or are unable and has no feeling on it whatsoever except it’s their decision then perfectly fine.