Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

232 replies

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:18

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 27/12/2024 21:48

Looks like your partner and his brother started it (ok in your books), and she built on there comments (not ok in your book)

Maybe you need to start with teaching your partner how to talk to your daugher.. all this “scaring him off” bullshit, likes she’s his property to defend.

13 year olds do have sex, and the earlier they know about consent, and contraception the better.

…and yea, a lot of teenage girls are awful.

At the end of the day you don’t like her, never have, and you want a “me or her” moment with your partner .. which you know you won’t win.

If you share children with your partner, you can’t make arbitrary decisions about who they spend time with. You don’t have to have a relationship with anyone, but it’s up your partner, what he does.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 27/12/2024 21:48

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here.

Most of us have had a grandparent who has been somewhat off the mark in terms of their criticism. It often is a generational thing where in their day people were expected to behave in certain ways.

Back when I was a teenager a young girl dressed up was known as “jail bate” and while I don’t necessarily agree with the term I do think we’ve got to a point now where young girls are so body conscious that they make themselves up and go all out when actually at 13 they should still just be entering teenage hood. But instead they’re on TikTok and instagram and wanting to look like the latest influencer.

In terms of having a boyfriend, I think that most of us had what we might term as a “boyfriend” at that age even growing up. But while back when I was younger having a boyfriend did generally mean holding hands, I had my first kiss at 13 but didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21. But these days relationships are far more sexualised, and it is sadly not uncommon for 13 year olds to be having sex or at the very least to have started experimenting.

So while you might think it’s all just holding hands and innocent, I do hope you’ve spoken to her about safe sex and contraception. My mum outright asked me if I should be on the pill when I had a bf at 14. She didn’t think I was a prostitute or acting like one, but teenagers are teenagers, and it’s naive to think that they don’t end up going down that route and finding out the hard way that they should have been careful.

If you had a sister who fell pregnant at 15 then I would hope you have learned from your parents’ mistakes.

People are quick to jump to wanting to cut people out of their lives because of what they say or how they say it.

This is how we have a generation who are growing up without the ability to manage conflict, without the ability to judge people on their own merits, because they’re never exposed to people who aren’t just like them. My grandparents had some odd views, I didn’t grow up scarred by them, I grew up realising that everyone is different, and that the ability to roll your eyes is priceless.

And most teenage girls do go through a stage of being little bitches. And most teenage boys go through a stage of being moody twats. They grow out of it, but that doesn’t make it not real at the time.

JLou08 · 27/12/2024 21:47

Lots of 13 year olds have relationships. Those of you so shocked at it will probably have had/will have teens up to all sorts behind your back. Better that they have a parent they can open up to if things go wrong rather than be scared to tell their parents because their parents forbid them having a normal teen life.

latetothefisting · 27/12/2024 21:46

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

this one!
where are you posting from, 1837?

It was completely normal for 13 year olds (and younger) to have boyfriends when I was 13, 20odd years ago. According to my mother and the YA lit I've read from the 1970s it was equally normal 30 years before that. So hasn't been unusual for at least half a century. Obviously usually not exactly the same as an adult relationship, but boyfriend/girlfriend (or, indeed, boyfriend/boyfriend, or girlfriend/girlfriend nonetheless!

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:46

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:42

Surely you dont really think two thirteen year olds of the opposite sex can have a totally innocent long-term bf/gf relationship? It's not going to happen. Sex at some point will come into it.

Two normal 13 yr olds are not interested in having a sexual, bf/gf relationship. It’s fucking grim if you think that’s normal?? The age of consent is 16. Obviously kids do have under age sex (I was one at 15), but your standards are low if you think most 13yr olds are shagging each other and that’s acceptable.

BilboBlaggin · 27/12/2024 21:46

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

You can harshly judge me then, not that I give a toss what you think.

My DD started seeing someone from her school when she was 13. They called themselves bf and gf but at that age it was generally innocent hand holding, and they were closely supervised. They were together 8 years before it ended.

user1473878824 · 27/12/2024 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fucking wow. You’re a nasty piece of work aren’t you?

aleesh4 · 27/12/2024 21:43

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

Exactly!!

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2024 21:42

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:35

Like I said, it's all innocent. She isn't allowed her phone upstairs so I know they aren't sending pictures and they don't even see each other outside of school. Of course I'm not ok with anything sexual but she is growing up and finding her identity and I respect and support that.

And yet here you are calling him a ‘boyfriend’, and your DP talks about scaring him off. The whole lot of you are sexualising this friendship.

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:42

DurinsBane · 27/12/2024 21:27

Because quite a few 13 year olds do, as the OP says it is all innocent

Surely you dont really think two thirteen year olds of the opposite sex can have a totally innocent long-term bf/gf relationship? It's not going to happen. Sex at some point will come into it.

Changingplace · 27/12/2024 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 21:40

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

And I am equally puzzled when I see this attitude on here.
When I was at school in the 90s there were plenty of 13 year old couples, it was very normal and usually unproblematic, and usually pretty chaste (with the odd exception). I didn't have a boyfriend until I was about 15 and I felt it was quite late in the day! But I can't imagine growing up and thinking 13 year olds don't have boyfriends? They do and it's nothing new?

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2024 21:39

DurinsBane · 27/12/2024 21:27

Because quite a few 13 year olds do, as the OP says it is all innocent

So not a ‘boyfriend’, just a friend that is also a boy.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/12/2024 21:39

It all sounds very dysfunctional and lacking in social graces, very odd behaviour

jannier · 27/12/2024 21:37

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

Seriously ....why not ban them and see how long it takes for everything to be hidden and secretive it didn't work in the 50s why should it work now?

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:35

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

Like I said, it's all innocent. She isn't allowed her phone upstairs so I know they aren't sending pictures and they don't even see each other outside of school. Of course I'm not ok with anything sexual but she is growing up and finding her identity and I respect and support that.

OP posts:
TakeMeDancing · 27/12/2024 21:35

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:33

He's not her biological dad but has been there since pregnancy and she calls him dad and he loves her the same as our other 2. I will come to his defense that there is a lot of childhood crap involved that makes it so he struggles to say no to his mum and her attention seeking makes it difficult for him and his brother to see through the bs and realise she's just a vile sack of nastiness.

Perhaps she’s being extra vile to DD because she’s not your partner’s bio child?

wellington77 · 27/12/2024 21:35

She’s from a different generation, I think you need to take that into account. I also don’t think this warrants ending contact over. This is your husband’s mum, you only get one, I wouldn’t chucked it over this.

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:33

He's not her biological dad but has been there since pregnancy and she calls him dad and he loves her the same as our other 2. I will come to his defense that there is a lot of childhood crap involved that makes it so he struggles to say no to his mum and her attention seeking makes it difficult for him and his brother to see through the bs and realise she's just a vile sack of nastiness.

OP posts:
Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

BobbyBiscuits · 27/12/2024 21:31

Lol @ 'why does your 13 yo have a bf'. Presumably because she fancies him and wants one? Asking if she 'needs a pregnancy test'? Haha. I'd laugh it off. Say 'no, the twins are due in April.' 🤣
But you obviously despise this woman so just ignore her. And have very little contact.

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

CouchSpud · 27/12/2024 21:27

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

Why not?

leia24 · 27/12/2024 21:27

mumofboys8787 · 27/12/2024 21:25

You are being really fucking dramatic tbh

Really dramatic that Nan told 13 year old she looks like a prostitute and is giving it away?
Maybe you're being really under dramatic

OP I wouldn't have her around my daughter