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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

232 replies

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:18

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 27/12/2024 22:02

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

This.
She's far too young to have a boyfriend, no wonder the MIL is a bit horrified over it.
Many mothers would be, too.

13 is still a child, and most boys most definitely WILL try it on.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 27/12/2024 22:01

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

Can't believe we only got to the second post before this was mentioned 🤣

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:00

mindutopia · 27/12/2024 21:59

My dc and their friends have all had boy/girlfriends from about Y4. Eldest is nearly 13. Having a boyfriend literally means someone asks ‘will you be my boyfriend?’ and someone says yes, and then they say they are boyfriend/girlfriend for like 2 weeks before they decide they are just friends or they like someone else. It’s truly as nothing as that. They don’t even see each other outside of school unless they’re in an activity or in an existing friendship group.

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So not a boyfriend then, a friend who happens to be a boy.

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 27/12/2024 21:59

Well, that's all escalated quickly, as they say ...

Original poster
DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:59

KnoblesseOblige · 27/12/2024 21:55

She's shit, obviously, I'd never see her again, or at least not until her son told her firmly what never to say and do, and she sticks to it.

....But why were you telling her anything about your daughter's moods and general struggles? It's none of your MIL's business surely, your daughter's private life? Especially if you dislike MIL and know she will say shit. Why give her the ammunition?! Why breach your Dad's trust for this horrible woman to gain personal info about her? Don't share details about your kids with people you don't 100% trust to have their best interests at heart.

I realise that it was a bit stupid of me to share that with MIL but I was trying to get her to show a bit of empathy. She claims to have mental health problems so I thought that telling her that my eldest is struggling then she'd understand and back off some.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 27/12/2024 21:59

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:24

Why does your 13yo child have a boyfriend?

My dc and their friends have all had boy/girlfriends from about Y4. Eldest is nearly 13. Having a boyfriend literally means someone asks ‘will you be my boyfriend?’ and someone says yes, and then they say they are boyfriend/girlfriend for like 2 weeks before they decide they are just friends or they like someone else. It’s truly as nothing as that. They don’t even see each other outside of school unless they’re in an activity or in an existing friendship group.

BlackChunkyBoots · 27/12/2024 21:59

I'm 47 and had a bf at 13. It was mostly looking at each other, a bit of snogging and holding hands. Nothing potentially earth-shattering.

LeavesTrees · 27/12/2024 21:58

To be honest the whole thing sounds toxic for your poor daughter - a step-Gran who speaks to her in a vulgar way, and a mother who lists her faults (shows her temper when tired, fallouts with friends, falling behind with homework). It’s no wonder she’s dating so young.

Gogogo12345 · 27/12/2024 21:56

Flustration · 27/12/2024 21:50

I was going to post almost exactly the same thing. I am a similar age and it was very much the norm.

I think this might just be different interpretations of the term 'boyfriend'.

At 13 a 'boyfriend' was someone you giggled about with your friends and maybe went on group 'dates' with. Something like bowling or cinema. All very innocent. There might be the odd kiss, but nothing particularly racy! The average length of these relationships was probably under 2 weeks!!

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Yeah my DD1 had a " boyfriend" at 13.. majority of their dates were watching him play football over the green. They went to the funfair as well once and he won her a teddy bear. Didn't stop her dumping him a week later for his twin brother lol

KnoblesseOblige · 27/12/2024 21:55

She's shit, obviously, I'd never see her again, or at least not until her son told her firmly what never to say and do, and she sticks to it.

....But why were you telling her anything about your daughter's moods and general struggles? It's none of your MIL's business surely, your daughter's private life? Especially if you dislike MIL and know she will say shit. Why give her the ammunition?! Why breach your Dad's trust for this horrible woman to gain personal info about her? Don't share details about your kids with people you don't 100% trust to have their best interests at heart.

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 21:54

I think you're really over reacting. I'm also shocked by the people questioning why your daughter has a boyfriend at 13 - I think the vast majority of girls have their first boyfriends at 13 or 14. They did when I was a teen and certainly do now.

Pippinsdiary · 27/12/2024 21:54

mumofboys8787 · 27/12/2024 21:25

You are being really fucking dramatic tbh

How is she being dramatic?? either you are the MIL or you act like this too

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:54

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:46

Two normal 13 yr olds are not interested in having a sexual, bf/gf relationship. It’s fucking grim if you think that’s normal?? The age of consent is 16. Obviously kids do have under age sex (I was one at 15), but your standards are low if you think most 13yr olds are shagging each other and that’s acceptable.

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had It been two primary school kids, then I agree - innocent and cute, although I’d reference it as just a friendship rather than bf and gf. But imo, 13 year olds are very capable of taking things further. They’re at secondary school, and grow up pretty quickly once outside primary. It’s not unusual for young teens to become pregnant. Even a recent poster who condones innocent 13 yr old bf/gf relationships says they should be closely supervised. If innocent, then why supervised?

WinterCrow · 27/12/2024 21:53

wellington77 · 27/12/2024 21:35

She’s from a different generation, I think you need to take that into account. I also don’t think this warrants ending contact over. This is your husband’s mum, you only get one, I wouldn’t chucked it over this.

Oh give over. I'm in my 60s now, and I wouldn't talk in such a vulgar and coarse way about a 13 year old girl.

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:53

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
noun

a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

This is the definition of a boyfriend. If all your 13yr olds are doing that, then yes, I absolutely judge you.

Oxford Languages and Google - English | Oxford Languages

Google’s English dictionary is provided by Oxford Languages. Oxford Languages is the world’s leading dictionary publisher, with over 150 years of experience creating and delivering authoritative dictionaries globally in more than 50 languages.

https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en

FreeRider · 27/12/2024 21:52

@NotOneOfTheInCrowd It's 'Jail Bait' not bate

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2024 21:52

I’m a Governor at a high school, some of the things we deal with would make hair curl …

Renamed · 27/12/2024 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Complete bullshit. Anyone claiming they were only interested in Lego or sindy at 13 is not genuine here

TheOriginalCrazyLady · 27/12/2024 21:51

I remember being 13 & having a boyfriend. It was mainly handholding & the odd peck on the cheek 🤭 I'm certain I'm not alone in that respect, it was certainly quite "normal" at the secondary school I went to around 20 years ago.

DreamTheMoors · 27/12/2024 21:50

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

It’s called Earth. Welcome aboard.

Suzuki76 · 27/12/2024 21:50

TakeMeDancing · 27/12/2024 21:35

Perhaps she’s being extra vile to DD because she’s not your partner’s bio child?

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Well, yes. This is likely to be a large percentage of the reason she's hoiking her judge pants.

Flustration · 27/12/2024 21:50

OnlyMothersInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 21:40

And I am equally puzzled when I see this attitude on here.
When I was at school in the 90s there were plenty of 13 year old couples, it was very normal and usually unproblematic, and usually pretty chaste (with the odd exception). I didn't have a boyfriend until I was about 15 and I felt it was quite late in the day! But I can't imagine growing up and thinking 13 year olds don't have boyfriends? They do and it's nothing new?

Show quote history

I was going to post almost exactly the same thing. I am a similar age and it was very much the norm.

I think this might just be different interpretations of the term 'boyfriend'.

At 13 a 'boyfriend' was someone you giggled about with your friends and maybe went on group 'dates' with. Something like bowling or cinema. All very innocent. There might be the odd kiss, but nothing particularly racy! The average length of these relationships was probably under 2 weeks!!

VegTrug · 27/12/2024 21:50

I'm with you OP, she sounds perverted and if she was your FIL you'd be getting some very different answers.
Keep your DC well away from her. If nothing else she's a vile, unhealthy influence on them. You don't need the majority of MN to agree with you

Tophelleborine · 27/12/2024 21:49

People are being really fucking weird on this thread! Of course 13 year olds have relationships, they always have done. They can have a relationship that involves hand-holding, maybe a bit of snogging, without it being full-on sexual. But also, there are kids having sex or at least doing sexy stuff under 16, whether it's desirable or not that's always been the case. You must live under a rock not to be aware of that.

Newstart2024 · 27/12/2024 21:49

Roll your eyes and move on. My MiL the same, likes to rip it out of Northerners when I’m from the North West… on a visit up with them I commented how there might be traffic on the M6 in rush hour and she said “people have jobs up north?” Sigh.
But I don’t care. It’s water off a ducks back. I know she’s daft and can be rude. It’s my husbands fight or… after years of her not listening to him either really he knows better than to waste his time.

She’s saying a few ignorant judgey things, teach your daughter to smile and nod too and ignore her.

And btw so what if a 13 year old has a boyfriend? Your relationship with a significant other is likely the most important you’ll have. The earlier you learn how to navigate a “romantic” relationship the better. And I’m speaking as someone who went to an all girls school and subsequently appreciated any attention I got… and there were some painful lessons in that!