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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

232 replies

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:18

I'll start by stating that I can't stand the woman. I barely tolerated her for my partner and kid's sake before this and already wanted rid of her. There's no hiding that. Pretty sure she hates me too but I really don't care at this point.
On to my question: MIL came to stay over Christmas and asked lots of questions about 13 year old's bf. General stuff, what area does he live, does he treat her nicely, how old is he, stuff like that. Then started asking about if they've done anything yet, even so far as asking if she needs a pregnancy test. She's 13! I know kid's start earlier and earlier, I'm not ignorant, my sister got pregnant at 15 so I know this happens, but come on! She's 13! She blushes when talking about holding her bf's hand and he's only just turned 14 and is in a few of her lessons. It's innocent and cute.
A few comments were made by my partner and his brother about potentially scaring him off but this was said just to tease her a bit and my daughter just laughed and told them to shut up. My MIL then felt comfortable enough to tell my 13 year old that she needs to be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away". I told MIL multiple times to stop sexualising my daughter but was repeatedly ignored.
Another time, Christmas day, me, my partner and MIL were talking about how the kids were getting tired and need a rest as they were all getting a bit worked up. This was after 13 year old and 10 year old got into an argument. I said how 13 year old shows her temper more when tired and how she was having a rough time at the moment, fall outs with friends, falling behind with homework, pressure of choosing her GCSEs ect, and MIL said "no, she's just a teenager, and all teenage girls are just b*tches". I couldn't believe it! Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.
This is after years of attention seeking from MIL and a lot of nasty comments towards me but this really is the last straw. So AIBU if I tell my partner I want her nowhere near our kids?

OP posts:
SanctusInDistress · 27/12/2024 22:20

The comment is tbe last thing you should be worried about. Worry more about a 13 year old who wears make up and has a boyfriend. She’s just a child. Get rid of the make up and stop referring to the boyfriend and talk to her about waiting until she is older to be a ‘woman’.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:19

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:15

@edwinbear I'm not bragging. I'm being realistic.

That's what I took from your post. I'm pretty appalled by so many posters trying to normalise having a boyfriend and thinking it's all so innocent.

BefuddledCrumble · 27/12/2024 22:17

13 year olds should be concentrating on their education, having fun and spending time on hobbies and with their friends.

'Relationships' at that age are at best distracting and pointless and at worst damaging.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2024 22:17

latetothefisting · 27/12/2024 21:46

this one!
where are you posting from, 1837?

It was completely normal for 13 year olds (and younger) to have boyfriends when I was 13, 20odd years ago. According to my mother and the YA lit I've read from the 1970s it was equally normal 30 years before that. So hasn't been unusual for at least half a century. Obviously usually not exactly the same as an adult relationship, but boyfriend/girlfriend (or, indeed, boyfriend/boyfriend, or girlfriend/girlfriend nonetheless!

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It wasn't normal in circles where education was valued, and it still isn't today.

I was born in the 60s and a teen in the 70s and 80s. Only a small minority of the kids I grew up with took that step, and that was at age 17-18.

Tel12 · 27/12/2024 22:16

Your mil sounds awful. But if your dd has a bf it's quite possible that it's not as innocent as you think.

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:15

@edwinbear I'm not bragging. I'm being realistic.

leia24 · 27/12/2024 22:13

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2024 22:11

She didn't.

The MIL said "be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away"

If you were told to be careful driving on black ice would you think you'd already had a car crash?

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Black ice definitely links to car crashes. Makeup on a 13 year old does not link to prostitution or 'giving it away'.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2024 22:12

Your 13 yo has new makeup and a boyfriend and is falling behind with homework and experiencing issues with friends. She's stressed about various aspects of school and had an argument with her brother.

I'd address the climate in school where the girls are falling out with each other and ask if there's some status associated with having a boyfriend. That would be my primary worry in all of this.

I'm prepared to take on a good deal of flak over this, but I wouldn't have got her makeup for Christmas. That just feeds the toxicity that seems to be developing in the school. Would you say having and keeping a boyfriend confers status in the school, and what are the falling outs with her friends all about?

Life for 13 year olds is complicated enough without throwing boyfriends into the mix. You need to help and encourage her to tune out the distractions and knuckle down to her late homework, and focus on her GCSE cycle for the years ahead.

It's far too easy for girls to be caught up in dynamics that are not healthy during the early teen years, resulting in getting sidetracked and prioritising the wrong things.

She will regret her focus on boys and makeup for the rest of her life if you don't steer her into valuing her academic progress and putting in maximum effort.

The MIL definitely spoke out of turn, and your H is a useless lump. He needs to step up and parent his daughter. I'd go very low contact with her. Your daughter must have been very hurt by her words.

pictoosh · 27/12/2024 22:12

I think you don't like her and looking for a reason to cut her out.
So long as you don't insist on your partner joining in, it's up to you what you do.

paranoiaofpufflings · 27/12/2024 22:12

Your partner and his brother discussing "scaring the boyfriend off"? Yuk!
I don't think your MIL's comments were any worse than this.

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2024 22:11

leia24 · 27/12/2024 21:27

Really dramatic that Nan told 13 year old she looks like a prostitute and is giving it away?
Maybe you're being really under dramatic

OP I wouldn't have her around my daughter

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She didn't.

The MIL said "be careful how much of her new make up she puts on so she doesn't look like a prostitute or make her bf think she's "giving it away"

If you were told to be careful driving on black ice would you think you'd already had a car crash?

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2024 22:11

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:29

Your 13yr old should not have a boyfriend. On what planet do 13yr olds have boyfriends??

Plenty of children have bf/gf at that age. Romance of the century was 2 of my form going out with each other, starting in Year 7! The girl was beyond devastated when the bf dumped her in Year 9. The rest of the form were very invested.

In year 7, students wanted to tell me who was going out with whom. Obviously, I shut down any conversations because while useful to know, it's not appropriate as a discussion with students, other than as a pastoral issue which added background.

Flustration · 27/12/2024 22:10

My point being that I have a 14 yo DD (who has never dated, btw) and it seems not much has changed since the 90s!

HoundsOfHelfire · 27/12/2024 22:10

I don’t know why OP is getting a hard time about her DD having a boyfriend aged 13. It’s not an adult relationship! My DD tried dating aged 13 too and literally was asked out via the boys friend, spend a few days ignoring each other, then split up.

At primary school some of the year 6’s claimed to have boyfriends or girlfriends but it was just child like role play.

custardpyjamas · 27/12/2024 22:10

It really doesn't matter what their relationship is or even if she was 16 not 13, it's still a disgusting way to talk to a grandchild, assuming she might be pregnant and saying she looks like a prostitute, all to her face, is just horrible whatever her age. If she took the mum aside and said she was worried about the way the 13 year old looked (too much makeup, etc) and about the relationship with the bf that would be bad, but may be understandable as genuine concern this was just nasty.

And 13 year olds had bfs and gfs in my school days 50 years ago! Mainly pretty innocent.

Flustration · 27/12/2024 22:10

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 21:53

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more
noun

a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship.

This is the definition of a boyfriend. If all your 13yr olds are doing that, then yes, I absolutely judge you.

See I genuinely think this is a semantic issue.

In the 90s 'boyfriend' literally just meant 'a boy you were dating' (or 'going out with' in true 90s parlance!) Often the 'dating' was no more than meeting up on the playground or between lessons.

It was pretend dating really I suppose. Play acting at relationships in preparation for the real thing later.

There was one girl in the year above who did get pregnant at 13 and caused quite a scandal. However it turned out she was raped by an adult family member (it went to court some years later and she posted the article on Facebook).

AllTheChaos · 27/12/2024 22:09

TheEllisGreyMethod · 27/12/2024 22:01

Can't believe we only got to the second post before this was mentioned 🤣

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Having been on MN a long time, I was surprised it wasn’t the first comment 😂

edwinbear · 27/12/2024 22:09

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:04

My experience of having a boyfriend at 13 wasn't that innocent, and it wasn't for my friends either 😆. I think it's very easy to be a bit too naive about what teenagers get up to at a young age.

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I don’t think that’s something to brag about.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 27/12/2024 22:07

Everlygreen · 27/12/2024 21:32

Exactly. But yet I'm being pointed out.

Only on MN are 13yo have partners,relationships, sex and it's all fine and dandy. Not saying op dd is, but have seen countless threads where young kids are in relationships with boyfriends staying over and it's ok.
I would harshly judge a parent that allows their 13yo child having a boyfriend

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Agree.

Isittimeformynapyet · 27/12/2024 22:05

Livelovebehappy · 27/12/2024 21:42

Surely you dont really think two thirteen year olds of the opposite sex can have a totally innocent long-term bf/gf relationship? It's not going to happen. Sex at some point will come into it.

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The only reason its impossible for two thirteen year olds to have a long term relationship is that they soon become two fourteen year olds, then two fifteen year olds etc.

If they didn't, it wouldn't be a long term relationship.

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 22:04

BlackChunkyBoots · 27/12/2024 21:59

I'm 47 and had a bf at 13. It was mostly looking at each other, a bit of snogging and holding hands. Nothing potentially earth-shattering.

My experience of having a boyfriend at 13 wasn't that innocent, and it wasn't for my friends either 😆. I think it's very easy to be a bit too naive about what teenagers get up to at a young age.

OolongTeaDrinker · 27/12/2024 22:04

If your sister got pregnant aged 15, then your MiL is obviously in a very cack-handed way trying to embarrass your daughter into not making the same mistake.

pimplebum · 27/12/2024 22:04

Nothing your mil says would bother me too much , I’d roll my eyes and correct her and back my daughter
you hate her so you should have v little to do with her

Orangelight23 · 27/12/2024 22:04

My Nan used to say stupid things like that to us. We would just roll our eyes and say oh don't be silly Nan.

The problem here is you hate the woman and since this is Mumsnet then yeah go NC.

FictionalCharacter · 27/12/2024 22:03

DefinitelyNotAStepfordWife · 27/12/2024 21:33

He's not her biological dad but has been there since pregnancy and she calls him dad and he loves her the same as our other 2. I will come to his defense that there is a lot of childhood crap involved that makes it so he struggles to say no to his mum and her attention seeking makes it difficult for him and his brother to see through the bs and realise she's just a vile sack of nastiness.

His inability to say no to her will continue to cause problems. He really should work on that. A man should be able to defend his family against this kind of horrible behaviour from his mother.