WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

And a teacher, you had no safeguarding concerns at all about Y7’s having sexual relationships with each other? 😳 How was your OFSTED?

Why did you respond like this to a poster's comment that said nothing about there being a sexual relationship?!

Have people been drinking too much to read properly?

Plenty of friends (male & female but tended to gravitate more to having friends of the same sex) but busy doing clubs not to care about having boyfriends, girlfriends, social media, make up etc

Is she similarly horrible to your other two children or is this reserved for your dd? I was also wondering if it's because she sees her differently in some way?

I would definitely have issues with this and I wouldn't be behind the door and telling her directly but not in front of dd that the next time she called my child a bitch would be the last time she was hosted in my house.

I'd tell her nothing going forwards about the kids or you or dh private lives you are all now the most boring mundane people she's ever met because she's lost the right to know things. I understand that it's not easy to cut a parent off, especially if you've had a lifetime of letting it wash over you as your dh has but he should be calling her out on your children's behalf- that is his job as a parent. I think I would have challenged her very clearly on all her little comments in front of your dd. Every single time she makes a catty remark I'd ask her Mildred, could you explain to me why you think it's appropriate to ask a 13 year old if she needs a pregnancy test? Could you explain to me exactly what you mean by telling my child that makeup will make her look like a prostitute? What makeup does a sex worker look like? Do you see many of them? Make her look stupid with logic in a calm and polite way then follow up with your dd after and explain that adults are not always right and your mil holds views that aren't shared by the rest of her family and if she's uncomfortable she has your support to say so out loud in front of mil or anyone else and you'll deal with it.

For those suggesting a 13 yo can't have a bf - what?!?! I had a bf at 13. We held hands and walked around school together. My 14 yo niece has a bf she's never kissed. It's developmentally normal to have an interest in relationships at that age, teaching them consent and respect and how to enforce boundaries is all part of that learning experience. On what planet do people equate that with something overly sexualised?

II was very busy. School, music activities every lunch time and after school, and all Saturday morn8ng. Riding on a Saturday afternoon. Still somehow managed to have romantic feelings and hold hands/kiss a bit with a boy and go to the pictures/school disco with him. What an odd perspective you have in human emotion.

Some of these comments are insane.

My kid in YR3 has a "girlfriend". They sre besotted with each other and write each other little notes and talk about getting married when they are grown ups, most likely copying what they have read in books or seen in Disney films. He made her a lego rose. She makes him little models of of air drying clay. They sit together at lunch and have playdates. They danced together at the school disco. Neither of them even knows what sex is.

The assumption that there is something wrong with this and we should stop them doing it, even if they were 13, and that the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" where kids or young teenagers are involved implies they are having a sexual relationship is ridiculous. Obviously with teens you'd need to be aware of risks of things going too far and ensure appropriate supervision and conversations with them about it but generally it's harmless and some of the comments here are just bizarre. Is the idea that teens should be forbidden any contact with the opposite sex until 18? And then, what? An arranged marriage or something?!

it just wasn’t on her radar as she was busy with school & extracurricular activities
@noworklifebalance i don’t understand this. For a young tesen, a boyfriend is just a special case of friendship. Do your children not have friends on their radar because of school and hobbies? How odd if so.

They don't. The activities stop 13 year olds having time for boyfriends. At 13 the only boy I'd have kissed was my pony.

I know someone who cut her parents out of her life.
And then both her children cut her out of their lives.
Be careful what you wish for.

WTAF😂. She’s what - 60? It’s okay to tell children they look like prostitutes and ask them if they want a pregnancy test if you were born before 1970?

Agree with this.
MIL sounds vile and massively overstepped by sexualising your daughter and using misogynistic terms toward her/about her.
However, I would definitely speak with your daughter about consent, pressure, coercion, pregnancy and STIs.
When my DD was 13 she was not remotely interested in having a boyfriend or girlfriend - it just wasn’t on her radar as she was busy with school & extracurricular activities.

Yeah, I’m with you. I didn’t have a boyfriend when I was thirteen, but knew a few girls who did. All they did was sit next to each other when their group of friends went to the movies, have awkward conversations on the phone, and go to school dances together and do the slow dances while barely touching.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 14. He was 16; we were a year apart in school and he had a winter birthday while I had a summer birthday. All we did was hug and kiss, go to movies and dances, and hang out at each other’s living rooms while our parents were home. Eventually I broke up with him because he was too immature.

Even using it what’s t(e issue? A male companion for whom you have romantic feelings. Seems pretty normal for a teenager to me.

My 8 year old has one 😂

I’m from a different generation but wouldn’t speak about any of my grandchildren or step-grandchildren like that ( have a mixture of both)
Even if she thinks these things there are things you don’t need to say out loud.
OP, Your partner needs to stand up to her. Tell her to stop now with the nasty comments or shes out of your lives. That would be her last chance.

How does having a boyfriend at 13 stop you from doing school work, hobbies etc?

Do you only ever use and acknowledge the dictionary definition of words? 😂

Who mentioned a sexual relationship?

As if people are genuinely outraged that a 13yo has a boyfriend, come on now. I had a few boyfriends at 13/14,never went further than a quick snog.

Your MILs comments are absolutely vile towards a teenager and I'd be furious.

Of course boyfriends or girlfriends can be innocent. In my circles it was normal enough to have a boyfriend or girlfriend from 13 or 14. Some couples just passed messages, some held hands and went for walks and some kissed. I know life has changed in many ways but kids are still kids. While i think its disgusting to sexualise it and take away that innocence, I suspect this comes entirely from the fact your sister got pregnant as an underage teen. Whether she admits it or not I think your MIL has a prejudice against your family and thinks either there is a tolerance of being promiscuous or a genetic link to being sexually advanced. It's nonsense of course but I have heard of people of that generation believing that if a woman is 'loose' then her children or relations are also more likely to be too. She is terrified your DDs life go the same way as your Dsis.

Another poster who can't follow basic English. Or won't.

Fuck sake.

The talk of having a boyfriend/girlfriend at 13 damaging their education is completely over dramatic.

And the posters saying that if you came from a well educated background you didn’t have boyfriends at that age are shockingly classist.

If people think their children don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends at that age they’re wrong. That doesn’t mean they’re having sex at that age, but that is an age where children are entering puberty, and being attracted to others is a perfectly natural instinct. It’s not something they choose to be, they just are.

I still think the OP is being unreasonable, and I do think that at 13 the OP should be talking to her DD about contraception but also about the age of consent, and why waiting is important if she’s ever thought about heading down that route.

My parents have been together since they were 13 and they’ve been happily married now for 54 years. That doesn’t mean that all relationships start that young, but do bear in mind that back in the 50’s/60’s/70’s it was actually quite common for people to be married with kids by the time they were in their early 20’s. So it stands to reason that they will have had relationships, even innocent ones, wel before that age.

I can see why you originally wanted to share personal information, because you feel like that would help her recognise what your DD is going through and make her more understanding. That's more because you'd react that way though.

Unfortunately people like that greedily grab any personal information as something to be weaponised and used against them later. You can't let yourself be vulnerable and you can't risk your children either. You have to treat people who behave that way completely differently.

The fact your husband is too scared to call things out and prefers to pretend everything is normal to keep the peace so she can get her way is a whole other backstory that will probably take him a while to recognise, accept and address (and become really angry about). Some space from her will really help that process though.

You are definitely within your rights to keep her away from your kids, it's the easiest safest way forward really, but if it's too hard in the beginning try practicing grey rocking; be polite but formal, like you're talking to a stranger, zero personal information about you and the kids (make sure your husband knows that's not negotiable). Don't invite her to everything your family does and don't feel guilty or obligated. Remember just because she wants something doesn't mean it has to happen.

Let your husband know these are the new ground rules for having her in your lives. Let the kids know if she makes them feel uncomfortable they don't need to see her at all. If she says something intimidating or offensive tell her it's unacceptable to speak that way to the kids and she'll need to leave. Tell your husband that's what you're going to do so he's not blindsided.

The other advantage to handling it this way is your kids will always know they can trust you and you've got their backs. It helps them recognise abusive behaviour and that it's not acceptable, feel more confident they can call it out. They don't need to put up with any abusive behaviour from anyone, doesn't matter who they are. No one is automatically entitled to a relationship with them.

This

What you are describing is a date though. You are ascribing sexual motives to it.

Really? I was born in 64, was a very conventional girl who didn’t break rules and who studied hard. I had a boyfriend at 11. It’s not necessarily a sexual relationship. Incidentally I was a virgin until my 20s and have one DD now. All my friends also had boyfriends.