WIBU for cutting MIL out of our lives for comments she made about my 13 year old?

I was a teen in the '70s. In those days, "having a boyfriend" meant that you went to the pictures together and danced with one another at the school Christmas dance.

Earth

Doesn't help that my partner won't say a word against her, even in defense of the kids.

There you go. You have a dp problem. You know where his priorities are. And it's not your children. Poor kids. Another woman with a man who doesn't see her children as important.

Look of course 13yr old DD has friends who are boys, she spent a Saturday afternoon shopping at Westfield with a boy and dragged him round Sephora. Then spent a second Saturday afternoon with him at a trampoline park at the O2. He’s a friend, who she quite liked, and is a boy. She doesn’t refer to him as a boyfriend, and it’s not language I’d condone because of the adult connotations. She says herself she’s not old enough for a boyfriend.

You see "boyfriend" mentioned and you immediately assume that it's going to lead to sex? That's not normally what happens with kids that young - as the OP says, it's all quite innocent.

I'm from a different generation and I would never dream of speaking to any child in that manner.

Why are people being weird about this 13 yo having a “boyfriend”? It’s generally just claiming someone as a “bf”, hanging out and potentially even some hand holding.

Chances are the parents of teens who are having sex right now don’t even know of any official boyfriends.

Saying a 13 yr old looks like a prostitute is an outrageous comment.
Mil is clearly stupid.

I wonder if your hatred of your MIL is colouring your thoughts here- if you are so keen on your daughter not being sexualised why has she got a boyfriend and is wearing make up at 13 ?
It's not really solved by her not having her phone upstairs (she will be able to get around that one, for sure) and only seeing him in school.
The fact some other children have boy/girlfriends at 13 doesn't mean your daughter should, necessarily.
Your MIL may have a point about the make up- at 13 being heavy handed is inevitable, and just because she is 13 doesn't mean she won't have sexual thoughts, in many cultures and historical periods your daughter is of marriageable age- if sexual activity at this age was unlikely, that would not be true.
Arguably the greatest love story of all time is Romeo and Juliet.
In the play Juliet has recently celebrated her 13th birthday. I think you are being a little naive if you think it's impossible that this could go anywhere, it probably won't, but it could.
I think you are happy for your daughter to be a little sexualised, but not if it your MIL is doing it.

But even if we take that as a one-size-fits-all definition, you are apparently misreading it.

"a person's regular male companion with whom they have a romantic or sexual relationship"

Emphasis on the "or".

E.g., when you say that having a boyfriend by definition means a sexual relationship, that is not even true on the basis of the definition you are citing.

Really??? Were you not 13 once? When I was that age, people “asked each other out” and then were considered BF / GF. A date consisted of going to the cinema and maybe maybe a peck on the way home. Nothing more inappropriate than that!!

If you “ban” your 13 year old from having a BF or GF do you not think they would just want to do it even more?

I'm not sure why you keep quoting this, as if a dictionary definition is the full extent of how a word or concept works in real life.

And at any rate, you're ignoring half of the definition you've posted anyway. It says romantic or sexual.

How dreadful for children to be allowed to feel or express love or an idealised view of reality.

Society is falling apart! Scandalous.

We must do something about this immediately!! Let the pearl clutching commence.

OP, your MIL is vile and loves winding you up because she knows her son is under her thumb. Set your boundaries and make your DH aware. Talk to your DD about the comments and how they made her feel. Think about whether you want to say anything directly to the MIL following that. I think it's important to show your child you should stand up to bullies, but this woman is never going to change and must important is that DD understands that you didn't think the comments were okay. I'd reduce contact and explain very clearly to your husband why her comments made you and DD feel uncomfortable. I'd encourage your DH to seek help if he is so under her thrall that he can't see when a comment is hurtful to his own child.

As for people who don't think 13yos have boyfriends... Wut? Holding hands, awkward 'dates', nothing to worry about if the children in question have been raised right, and tbh I wasn't raised right and was still too scared to try kissing my bfs from 12. My 4yo has a very special bond with another 4yo who has already planned out their married lives. She will have 26 babies and be a pilot while he stays home to care for their children... I have no concerns.

Planet Earth.

@edwinbear do you not understand the definition of the word "or"?

Romantic or sexual^.
^
FYI here is the dictionary definition of "romantic":

romantic
^
adjective^

I’m part of the leadership team of a large school.

Those early relationships are very important for young people - it’s how they learn about respect and friendship, how to cope with rejection, how to communicate. For many, it’s when they begin to think about sexuality and attraction - in a very safe (in the vast majority of cases) and innocent way. It’s normal.

The children who are over sexualised and having problematic relationships at that age are not generally holding hands with similar aged children.

OP - your MIL, and to an extent your husband , are damaging you girl. You’re her protection.

It says romantic OR sexual relationship, not romantic AND sexual relationship!

Your 8yr old does not have a boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re 8yr old has a friend who is the opposite sex.

Of course some of the relationships will be sexual and/or sexualised, but that doesn't mean that a "boyfriend" at that age is by definition sexual.

She also called my 10 year old, who has a lot of autistic traits, a spz.*
That crosses a line, big time. If your spineless H can't say no to her even when she says that, he's letting his child down badly. My MIL would have got a rocket from both me and DH if she'd said that.

I can't believe people are defending this woman talking about a 13 yo looking like a prostitute and needing a pregnancy test. In front of the child and her family. This isn't a grandma expressing legitimate concerns, she's being utterly vile. This very obviously is completely the wrong way to advise a teenager about underage sex and pregnancy risk. She's just being nasty.

As for the "you don't like her" comments to OP, well she isn't very likeable and I don't blame OP at all. It's her behaviour that's caused OP to not like her, not the other way round.

Margaret Beaufort was 13 when she married and gave birth to her son who became Henry VII. Look where that led us. It led Margaret to suffer permanent damage because of the damage wrought to her immature frame due to the birth.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, but your partner needs to be on board here too. It’s unfortunate that this is so normalized for him. How much awareness does he have of emotional abuse?

ok but maybe you are from a different background?

A thirteen year having a boyfriend is hardly uncommon?