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Original poster

Things you make a point of doing as a parent, that your parents didn’t

221 replies

Wakeupits1995again · 27/12/2024 17:52

Bit of a long winded title 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was thinking about it today.

Dd has her two neighbour friends over, they drop in to play most weekends and I try to make sure I have some carton drinks in for them, kid’s biscuits, fruit packs/snacks etc, especially for them. We’re not a snacks type house (I don’t generally buy biscuits or crisps on the supermarket shop.
I do this as I like providing for her friends, Dd enjoys it and I grew up without it. I remember many occasions where i’d feel embarrassed as a child as friends would come round and my mum never offered anything or there wasn’t anything I could give them when they asked. I remember one friend saying how hungry she was and asking for a bite of cheddar cheese from the fridge. We weren’t poor, but I think all food was accounted for. I lived in a very wealthy area and often felt embarrassed by my house (a 4 bedroom house with garden-nothing to be embarrassed of!) but this didn’t help.
Also my mum didn’t really invite friends over for dinner, even after I was invited to theirs numerous times, I often had to beg until
she’d relent. She didn’t really have friends, which I feel sad about, but it was if she didn’t know how to host at all or didn’t see the importance of being welcoming to my friends.
I can be shy but I’ve forced myself out of my comfort zone for the sake of Dd and make sure we have an involved social life
There are other things, like not being involved in homework at all, no checking it/helping, also I didn’t go to any clubs/dance classes. When I ask about it, she says ‘Well you never asked to’ doesn’t the parent need to be the one initiating it when kids are young?
Was this just my mum or was it 80/90’s parenting? (I’m 47 now)
I do so many things differently

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 27/12/2024 20:18

I realise from this thread my parents were pretty damned good.

I’m more huggy than my mum, but less good at practical looking after. DS1 was fine with that, DS2 might have preferred my DM as his mother.

Skigal86 · 27/12/2024 20:17

Buying stuff DD asks for. Not everything she asks for but a lot more than my parents did. This wasn’t a money thing, Christmas and birthdays were hugely extravagant occasions but outside of that they bought me very little, obviously clothes and stuff I needed was bought year round but it would be very unusual to have new toys bought at any other time, which is a bit pants when your birthday and Christmas are within 3 months of each other! We don’t buy as much at Christmas as my parents did though.

MyLoftySwan · 27/12/2024 20:16

Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2024 20:06

My parents were too wound up in their own marital issues to have any focus on their two teens - both ended up very odd self obsessed people , even after divorce

Sounds just like mine. I'll never forget dropping out of uni to get a full time job so I could look after my 16 year old brother. Both far too busy point scoring and spending time with their new partners. It's taken years for me to forgive them, never an apology though.

drspouse · 27/12/2024 20:14

Tell them I love them.
Give them hugs and kisses.
Let them cuddle up in bed with them.
Also (and a bit more understandably due to finances/cost of living in the 70s) let them have treat foods when out and buy things from the gift shop in attractions!

MadmansLibrary · 27/12/2024 20:12

I do most of these things, so that's a relief. I am, however, a shouty parent - but when I do it, I try and reiterate that the failing is mine, not hers: and I actively work on not being a shouty parent.

I'm also pretty bad at having lots of lie ins. I need to work on that too!

Ribenaberry12 · 27/12/2024 20:11

Never made them finish food if they had given it a good try and didn’t like it. I remember having to eat liver and hating it.
Encouraged them with clubs and interests. We never did anything or went anywhere.

oustedbymymate · 27/12/2024 20:11

Apologising when I get it wrong. My mother has never apologised once. Ever. And she has been in the wrong. I make a point of saying sorry to my kids/husband when I've blown up or got it wrong and explain I've got it wrong and I'm sorry. It's important to be

WTFMywork · 27/12/2024 20:11

ThewrathofBethDutton · 27/12/2024 18:06

I hug, kiss and tell them I love them loads.

I allow them to speak, to choose, to have opinions.

I don’t scream at them or hit them.

I think of child friendly things that interests them instead of making them do things that are just utter utter dog shit for kids. ie the pub.

They are not scared of us. They know they are loved, important and worthy.

I do this too - I think being valued as a person, regardless of age, is hugely important. My children (I think and hope) have a much nicer up bringing than I did. I try to be a much more understanding person and listen more. I vividly remember being shouted at and belted by my parents. Just awful and my children won’t suffer this.

Enko · 27/12/2024 20:11

Tell them I love them
Tell them I am proud of their achievements
Took them to sports and other interest based activities
Allowed sports and hobby based activity
Allowed them to learn a musical instrument.
Stayed at home with them (I was a latch key child)
Cared

BarbaraVineFan · 27/12/2024 20:10

canyon2000 · 27/12/2024 17:53

Being on time. My parents were late for everything and it used to make me feel embarassed.

This! On one memorable occasion, we were late for a wedding at which I was the bridesmaid 😩

Also - leading a quieter life. My parents were lovely, sociable people and would think nothing of having one set of friends over for lunch and a different set for tea, perhaps with a quick cinema trip in between! It used to make introvert me feel very rushed and stressed. In my adult life, I almost never arrange more than one thing for each day.

HelenWheels · 27/12/2024 20:09

heartsinvisiblefury · 27/12/2024 20:05

Oh and letting them choose their own paths and supporting them.

same

mowthegrass · 27/12/2024 20:09

Really listening to them. As someone once told me, if you don’t take proper notice of the small things, they sure won’t tell you the big things.

heartsinvisiblefury · 27/12/2024 20:08

Another few... - let them have pets and also raise their self esteem rather than knock it down. Oh and acknowledge when I'm wrong and apologise.

Blimey you can tell I'm doing everything I can to not be like my parents.

HelenWheels · 27/12/2024 20:08

no comparing between siblings
no bad temper, well I try
no unreasonable behaviour, again I try
dont judge or nag
no criticism

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/12/2024 20:07

My aunt even got hers for her 21st present from her parents. When was she born?That was very common in the later 1940s as a result of the NHS being set up. Before then, dentists were all private, and most people went only when they had toothache.

Ive always been happy that my lower teeth are slightly crooked as it means no-one will mistake them for false teeth. Dentistry has been transformed over the last 70 years.

Echobelly · 27/12/2024 20:07

My parents were great generally so I don't think I particularly do much they didn't. I say 'No' to doing stuff more than my mum and let my husband/kids take the strain more and I don't fold when my DH gets angry as I think that is a better example to set, but really have no complaints about my mum.

Situation for DH and his parents is very different - he doesn't always manage to keep his cool, but unlike his parents he makes a point of apologising to me/the kids when he's wrong, which apparently his DPs never did.

Toots22 · 27/12/2024 20:07

I hug and kiss my DD many times a day and tell her how much I love her.

I don’t shout and scream at her, or go in bad moods, or give her the silent treatment.

I don’t think I’m right all the time and realise I might be wrong at times.

I tell her how much she means to me and how lucky I am to be her mum.

I don’t demand she wears what I want her to wear.

I will always welcome her friends into my house.

I don’t control what she does. I allow her to speak and have an opinion.

I have never hit her and never will.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/12/2024 20:06

My parents were too wound up in their own marital issues to have any focus on their two teens - both ended up very odd self obsessed people , even after divorce

heartsinvisiblefury · 27/12/2024 20:05

Oh and letting them choose their own paths and supporting them.

EllieRosesMammy · 27/12/2024 20:05

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2024 18:29

I let my child come in to my bed if they come to me in the middle of the night.
I have lengthy conversations with my children.
Don't rush them
Don't leave them in the car whilst I run errands. (I remember being left in the car a lot when I was young. For 30-60 mins at a time maybe longer).
Spend a lot of time playing with my kids

The "don't leave them in the car while I run errands" - omg same! I was also left in the car while my mam ran errands but if I was to do that to her precious grandchildren she would probably ring social services on me😂 funny how times change!

heartsinvisiblefury · 27/12/2024 20:05

Also allowing them privacy.
Allowing them to be individual and have their own style.
Listening to them.
Listening to their opinions.
Valuing their opinions.

I could go on

EllieRosesMammy · 27/12/2024 20:04

Having a relaxed attitude to "unhealthy" food.

My kids eat home cooked, healthy meals and healthy snacks but also are allowed to indulge in unhealthy foods (within moderation of course) - to which I allow myself the same courtesy.

My mam has always been a health freak. Everything has to be cooked "the healthy way" which often means steaming or boiling everything, or not seasoning food🤦🏻‍♀️

Even if she enjoys something like chocolate, or a dish with a cream sauce, or real butter she's got this toxic mindset of "ooh no I can't possibly" - or if she does "give in" she will have to go for an extra run to "work it off". Her hyperfixating over not eating anything at all "unhealthy" is what I think lead to my younger sister having an eating disorder.

My 7 year old the other week said to me "we can't get nanny chocolate for Christmas because it's not healthy so she can't have it", obviously I made it clear to her that nanny can have chocolate she just chooses not to - and we can all enjoy the food we like, when we like and that everyones bodies are built differently and that's okay.

But yeah, just something I do differently as I'm raising 3 daughters and I never want them to feel like they can't enjoy a certain food because how you look is more important.

heartsinvisiblefury · 27/12/2024 20:04

Tell them how amazing they are.
Tell them how proud I am of them.
Allow them to have friends over.
Allow them freedom.
Not make them fear me.
I don't smack them.
Tell them that no matter what they can always come home.

Basically just be decent.

JG24 · 27/12/2024 20:02

Sorry those are things she did that I won't!

Bibbetybobbity · 27/12/2024 20:01

Similar to PP- apologise, be the house that friends descend upon, snacks freely available, very open about periods/sex, after school/weekend clubs a-plenty, school trips (I was never allowed to go) and lots of encouragement. I’ve tried to instil confidence and grit by allowing dd to be brave and go for things, even if totally possible that the thing might fail, whereas my childhood was very cautious.