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Original poster

adult son’s age gap relationship

132 replies

scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:31

Hi everyone, I’d appreciate your advice and thoughts.

I have three adult sons in their 30s. My oldest (38) has asked for my advice - I’m one of the only people he really goes to for serious conversations.

He is dating a woman, 24. We found out a few months ago through a family friend. He was keeping the relationship secret because he was embarrassed about the age gap. However, they are clearly so happy with each other. She really wants to stay with him, and even spoke to me about this.

However my DS keeps saying he is too old for her, that it can’t last, that it would be better to end it now so she can find someone her own age. Also - he is wealthy, she is a very attractive, all of which is playing into a cliché.

They both want to have children and settle down. It is the first time my DS has really found someone who is right for him.

He asked me for my thoughts. Of course, I tried to emphasise that it is his decision. But I worry he might try to end a wonderful relationship, and even the chance for family life at a good age to be a father, because he is concerned about how the age gap looks, or what other people say, and he trusts my judgement.

I don’t know that many people in ‘real’ life in age gap relationships, so I would be grateful if anyone could share their experiences.

I realise this makes it seem like I interfere a lot in my children’s lives - that’s not true! Usually this son in particular is very independent. I totally realise he is an adult and able to make his own decisions. It’s just that I don’t have much to draw on, so would appreciate hearing from others.

OP posts:
SereneCapybara · 27/12/2024 17:53

I'd ask him what they have in common apart from being attracted to each other ('s wealth/looks). Are they both sporty? Arty? Houseproud? Are they of similar intelligence and education? Do they both want the same things in life, share the same values? If so, I don't think a 14 year age gap is that big a deal.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:51

Hellskitchen24 · 27/12/2024 17:44

It’s not really a big deal. He’s a bit older yeah, but if he’s a decent earner and good looking, of course he’s going to be attractive to a younger woman. Plus he’s not exactly over the hill at 38 and she’s hardly a little girl at 24; I work with junior doctors who are 24. I’d leave them to it as they seem happy. It will work itself out one way or the other.

He’s also at the age where if he is looking for a woman “his age” then potentially she’s already got kids or doesn’t want them. I know as a woman in my mid thirties, the pool of decent men available around that age is narrow, and your biological clock is ticking very very loudly. He won’t have that issue with his girlfriend who has plenty of time on her hands!

Thank you for your reply @Hellskitchen24 .
Yes - she’s 24. Nowadays it seems like people often see women under 30 as very young.

I’m trying to explain to my DS about the woman’s perspective in starting a family. He has always wanted to have children, and I’m trying to explain to him just what you say - that it is a different story with women his own age. Of course not at all impossible, just different and potentially more tricky. I’m trying to say - well, it is important and mature to think about having a family, it doesn’t just happen.

OP posts:
Mrsknowitall · 27/12/2024 17:48

There’s a 13 year age gap between my sister and her dh she was very young when she got with him they have been married now for 20 years I think and 3 dc and still very happy. It can work out

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:45

Good point @wizzywig … my DH tried (tactfully) to mention about a pre-nup (I wouldn’t have mentioned it so early on) and DS was very irritated by him. He’s extremely sensitive to any suggestion his GF might be a 'gold-digger'.
Obviously that is a sexist and loaded term. I don’t like it; I had it quite a lot with my own DH (his father), so I do feel very aware of her position.
I really don’t think it is just about the money, but there’s no doubt he gives her a very good quality of life.

OP posts:
Hellskitchen24 · 27/12/2024 17:44

It’s not really a big deal. He’s a bit older yeah, but if he’s a decent earner and good looking, of course he’s going to be attractive to a younger woman. Plus he’s not exactly over the hill at 38 and she’s hardly a little girl at 24; I work with junior doctors who are 24. I’d leave them to it as they seem happy. It will work itself out one way or the other.

He’s also at the age where if he is looking for a woman “his age” then potentially she’s already got kids or doesn’t want them. I know as a woman in my mid thirties, the pool of decent men available around that age is narrow, and your biological clock is ticking very very loudly. He won’t have that issue with his girlfriend who has plenty of time on her hands!

wizzywig · 27/12/2024 17:38

Is he OK with protecting his finances with a prenuptial? .actually I don't even know if they are legally binding? I think it's nice that he values your opinion. I'm not one of these mums that think you need to ignore your kids once they turn 18.

Original poster
scottiemum3 · 27/12/2024 17:35

I feel like I haven’t quite expressed myself properly - when I say ‘cliché’, I mean he is feeling social pressure / judgement about the age gap.
For example, she came to a family event and some relatives made some slightly unfair jokes to us. He’s very aware of what people are thinking, and I’m trying to work out how to help him through this situation.
He’s happy and successful otherwise in his life; he doesn’t rely on me at all, so it’s quite a big deal that he has come to me for advice.

OP posts: