adult son’s age gap relationship

I'd be absolutely horrified if my 22 yr old came home with a 55 year old in tow.

Most people would now but the world was very different 80 years ago.

22 and 55?! That is some age gap. I'd be absolutely horrified if my 22 yr old came home with a 55 year old in tow. Do you think living in an overcrowded flat in Brixton when her 55 yr old dp had a house may have swung things in his favour a bit?

In the op's case of her ds's 14 yr gap that is far more acceptable. Still a bit weird but at least they'd look a similar generation.

My aunt was 22 when she got married. My uncle was 55. He was 82 when he died so they had 27 years together.
She lived in a 2 bedroom tenement flat in Brixton with my grandparents and 2 sisters, he had his own house which was extremely unusual in the 1940's.
He was a confirmed bachelor and had never wanted to get married, but once he met my aunt, everything changed for him.
Neither of them wanted children. They were married within 6 months of meeting and had a very happy life together. .

I’ve got a child with someone who is 40 and I’m 29, he is an idiot on all accounts but there’s nothing to do with our ages

I think you should encourage your son to follow his heart, and where that will lead him.
Maybe that will be with this woman, maybe another. Your son, his heart.

@scottiemum3 I'm from northern Europe myself, similar age gap between me and DH. I do think that young people tend to be ore mature from where I come from. And more direct. But it's not normal to approach the family members of a man you fancy to vonplain to them that he is not responding in kind 🚩
Regarding age gap, I had experienced some prejudices, for example people that barely know us assuming that I am with him for money (he had none when we met), or just a tone of conversation that I "snagged" him implying I went "hunting" for him which was not the case.

No, just practical. At 25 I didn't have any real idea about how much bodies change from mid 40s onwards and again mid 50s. His medicine cabinet is very late middle age. Neither of us wants to be the other's carer; we've had this discussion. But chances are more that it will be me, which would be less likely if we were similar ages. I look at relatives in their 70s and 80s and think about how I'll only be in my 60s then. And already, I look after myself better.

Retirement will be a hurdle, although I think my pension is healthier than his. Not sure how long we'll have to do fun Retirement stuff though.
I'm not going to divorce him over it, but I probably should have thought beyond "I really fancy this man, 10 years is nothing. " Because 10 years might narrow in 30s/40s, but it widens again.

Nope she still sought out his mother when he didn’t want a relationship. Did you encourage him to see her?

He maybe be bewildered this young beautiful woman who men faun over is chomping at the bit to get in to his family and life but in reality he’s just not that in to the age gap.

Just because she is has admirers doesn’t mean she hasn’t found it hard in the past to find a stable relationship. Beauty doesn’t equal emotionally stable women or even a catch

Excellent, she'll avoid the kind of man who won't date someone his own age.

They originally met through friends when she was 23 and he was trying to distance himself from her then because of her age. She was very upset and even came to speak to me about it (unsolicited by me but appreciate her confidence)

Hmmm.

Shes controlling and she knows her end game 🤮🙄

I'd encourage your son to leave her

We have family friends with a bigger age gap than that - they've been married for 32 years now. I suspect the period of time between his retirement and hers must have been rather weird to get used to, but they're both retired now.

“We all know it” - speak for yourself. I don’t believe they’re “all based on lust on the part of the man,” and neither do a lot of other people.

That’s utterly creepy, she came to speak to you when he didn’t want to go out with her, can any part of you see how wrong that is?

He’s in his late 40s, you’re already worrying you might have to be his carer someday, and you’re not sure you’d marry him again?

This sounds like your relationship has deeper problems.

@YDBear It will be very obvious at various points in life though. When he becomes 40, she’ll just be 26. When he’s 50, she’ll just be 36. Until she reaches her 40s, the age gap will be increasingly obvious. Not to mention the fact that she’s just getting started and OP’s son is more established in his career.

I’ve worked all my life in male dominated areas - have many males in my family. When a guy wants a women he couldn’t give a shiny shit about what other people think.

After the back story I think this girl already feels like a burden and possibly a liability to him and he is looking for a way out.

A gap of 14 years isn't that uncommon and sometimes works fine. I'd suggest to him that he shouldn't rush things by getting married or trying for a baby, or limit her opportunities for developing new interests and friends before settling down to have a family.
But I wonder if the crux of his hesitation is that he's scared of being left for someone more attractive as he moves through his forties and she's still in her twenties. That is a risk and perhaps he can't bear to take it.

I don’t agree with ‘if it does not feel right it is not right’ otherwise he would not be asking. Being cautious about such a huge step in his life is very wise. Asking advice from people he trusts is a sensible road to take. It does seem like he is trying to protect her which is good. Unfortunately this stort of gossip is sly and slips under the radar. In your positions, if I heard it, I would deliver a very sharp slap down.

Good point! Ask open ended questions

Similar age gap as me and my DH. He's made me very happy for the past 15 years.
He won't feel the ahmge difference if she is emotionally mature for her age (and at 24 she is not a baby!)

There are 12 years between DH and me. We got together when I was 25 ( day after my birthday) and married 18 months later. He was worried at first about the age gap, but we had so much in common that it didn’t seem such a big gap.
We have been married 32 years. The age gap is more noticeable now as he is retired, but I work part time and he is still very fit and active, does the majority of dog walking and household tasks when I am at work. It’s great getting home after a long day to a hot meal waiting on the table!

I met my husband when I was 25 and he was 38! 3 years on we are now married with a baby due in 9 weeks!

After this update I’d be concerned to he honest. He wants a wife not a child he has got to look after. Coming to speak to you whilst upset that he chose to distance himself self whilst not even in a relationship shows she has no emotional maturity or respecting his boundaries. His family isn’t hers to adopt.

I wonder if he can feel this and really wants to run for the hills

It doesn’t feel right to him. If it did he wouldn’t be asking.

My advice would be ‘Son if it feels right why are you even asking? What doesn’t feel right?’

This should open up a wider discussion. Deep down he might actually feel she is just after his money