To leave over sausage in bread…

OP hasn't come back.

You can't just have discovered on Christmas Day that there was no turkey or roast potatoes. Like, didn't you notice and discuss it beforehand?

I'm sorry for your troubles. It all sounds incredibly hard. But if it's going to work then communication is key. Not martyrdom.

😢

Nevermind thinking of him and releasing him from a life he doesn’t deserve, think about yourself (as he clearly isn’t going to).

He didn’t even need to do 12 courses of the finest food on offer, he could have just done a nice meal OR ordered a take away so you had one meal you didn’t need to cook.

Sorry OP 💐

Think of what you want for yourself, to have DH and go through counseling, you both sound exhausted, or without DH. If the latter think about getting your ducks in a row, copy all official papers and store outside the home in a safe place for your DC’s sake as well as yours and see unbeknown to him a solicitor to see where everyone stands. Then have a deep think.
Maybe DH is very depressed and should be encouraged to see the GP?

It's nothing to do with being a man. Being depressed does not justify treating your partner like shit.

Dear OP, It is unclear from your posts if your husband is struggling with everything or actively decided to check out of his responsibilities.

I think counselling is a good first step, alongside talking to adult and children's social care, to see if they can offer any support for you and DC1

If you think he is struggling, would he go to the GP to get help?

His comments are so cold but I hope he can learn to support your/his family, as it isn't like you or DC1 had a choice in dealing with disabilities and he should man up and learn to deal with things as they are now

Both my DH and I became disabled in recent years, My DH had to shoulder far more of the house work and cooking, it is all I can do to work and sleep on my bad days.

This has had far reaching consequences on our future, our children and our marriage.

We have to make many compromises and yet love each other and try to do the best we can. One recent Christmas day meal a couple of years back was frozen pizza, but it was cooked nicely and there was enough for everyone.

To be honest sandwiches with fresh bread and suitable filling (I am a veggie) would be acceptable, but not stale bread and that nasty comment he made to you.

Ps. To the other posters on this thread, do not assume that everyone with a disability can do things which you take for granted.

I can't get into my own kitchen in my wheelchair, as the door is too narrow and can't stand long enough with crutches to check cupboards nor the balance required to bend over with crutches to check out the fridge.

The OP may be unable to check the food levels in her own kitchen, for reasons related to her disability, don't assume anything.

He sounds hugely depressed and at rock bottom. But hey, he’s a man so that’s not allowed.

Yes, almost anyone would notice. If someone else had been designated the job of Christmas food shopping but come Christmas Eve and there were still only a few old sausages and half a loaf of stale bread in the house (let alone the complete absence of festive treats) you would bloody well notice!

"He’s not the bad guy"

@Jennyathemall I beg to differ - out of date food and no gift, no care or support - he sounds horrible, shit and fucking awful to me!

I don't suggest that he's doing it consciously but it sounds like he is punishing you (and himself) for your and DC1's illnesses, the unravelling of his fantasy family life. It's not just very damaging for you to be stuck in this position, it's very damaging for your children to grow up around, particularly given the complex health needs. Separate counselling for both of you would be a better place to start than couples therapy. You are right to feel hurt, that was the intention. You both need help. You need and deserve it.

I am guessing the point the poster was making is when you (ie OP) have no doubt looked in the fridge and seen it was bare and you open your mouth and ask what is going on and when are you going to get the food shopping rather than wait until Chtistnas day?

sorry to hear about this issue.

good thing you were able to talk to dh about this. it can either lead to him being more considerate or the start of a (hopefully amicable) separation.

here's to a better year

He has already acknowledged that if you went to couples counselling, his behaviour would be called out.
Which means his zero effort with food, feeding you old bread and sausage, asking you if you had a good day, picking a fight and telling you you aren’t worth the effort are deliberate, conscious choices.

If it’s the usual story, it’s likely he wanted a version of marriage and parenthood that cost him nothing in thought, care or sacrifice and he is now punishing you and trying to get you to pull the plug so he isn’t judged for walking out on a disabled wife and child and new baby.

Your relationship is dead. Whether a new version could be salvaged - or whether you’d want one with him - is what you need to think through now.

FWIW, I think you are worth so much more than a bastard this callous.

Did he really say ‘just for you?’ because that seems so cruel. I could understand ’just for us’, more, although what about the children, then?

You sound exhausted and sad and upset. Understandable. Maybe he is, too. Counselling is a good option - it will help you both see the wood from the trees.

Try to get in some nice food and drinks for the New Year if you can. You deserve a festive treat and to celebrate hopefully a new year bringing you a fresh start.

@VodkaCola There are other factors, not just that it's the two of them.

Even if he'd picked up some ready meals, whether a markses turkey dinner or just a lasagne and said, sorry, I'm tired, it's all got too much for me, let's enjoy something easy since it's just us, that would have been fine but, sadly, he dared to tell you that you're not even worth that much bother. I'm so sorry.

You need to get angry with him. Yes, you're an adult but he is, too and grown adults in a healthy relationship try to support each other through difficult times and find small pleasures where they can. If he is out of the personal resources to do that then he needs to speak to his GP. If he doesn't want to speak to his GP then he needs to pull his own socks up because, however he is feeling, he does not get to treat you like the shit on his shoe and make your life even harder than it already is.

What, that's what he did for Christmas Day lunch? Seriously?

Wasn't there any other food in the house?

It's unbelievable he'd treat you so badly. What would a life without him look like?

Oh @Growingyou this just says it all, you aren’t even worth nice food to him. You deserve so much more and he is a knob. Please leave him and at least have the chance of a happy life, whether a decent relationship or happily single where you can treat yourself.

@Growingyou what reason did he give for not buying the food?

He didn't serve up stale bread and sausages because it was just the two of them. He did it to punish her.

Well there it is. He wasn’t going to bother if it was just you.

I think you'll be considerably happier if you call his bluff and end the marriage.

I do think his behaviour, towards you is deliberately demeaning, and that he fully expects you to take it. So don't. If your marriage was to have any hope of survival, you would have to refuse to be treated in this way. But I personally would be past wanting it to survive.

Yes, this "is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner." But a husband behaving like a prick is not what you wanted from a partner either.
At least ‘in sickness and health’ is in the vows he has chosen not to hold to. Nowhere in the vows is 'to be utterly disrespected', so you definitely shouldn't feel you have to accept this from him.

Push the release button.

Well I disagree. He’s in perfect health and can cook a meal. Especially at Christmas. Instead what he produced was awful.If he wasn’t prepared do prepare something nice he should have said. Takeaway would have been nicer. Life throws a lot of us curveballs, some much harder than others but people cope without ruining Christmas dinner.

I would be wondering if he is depressed tbh.

You have three choices:

Ask him to leave. Can you manage the DC by yourself?

Leave him and the DC. Go and be single. Could you leave the DC?

Carry on together, because even if you both know the relationship is over, you need each other to both help care for DC.

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

To the posters saying he sounds depressed, compassion fatigue etc and suggesting that OP needs to pull together with H more, how much more does the pregnant, sick woman who is currently caring for a very ill child need to do?

She did the decorations, presents, wrapping on top of getting through the day to day. He didn't do the one job he had.

I'm struggling to see how you can place the blame anywhere but with him.