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Original poster

To leave over sausage in bread…

205 replies

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 13:31

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 23:51

GravyBoatWars · 27/12/2024 17:54

He does sound checked out. Having children with complex, long-term needs is so hard on parents individually and also brutal on relationships, and adding in long-term medical issues for one parent can multiply that. He’s undoubtedly overwhelmed and withdrawing is a common response to that, but it doesn’t make it ok or something you just need to accept.

This is an iceberg issue; trying to address it in isolation just won’t work. Of course he should want to make an effort for you as his partner, but he also is showing no interest in celebrating or having a good meal himself and that’s not a great sign. And divvying up tasks and who’s leading what is normal, but I will be honest that I can’t imagine a healthy relationship where either my DH or I didn’t have any awareness of what was planned for our Christmas meal in advance, or offer help with execution - that’s a level of disconnect from each other that doesn’t seem great to begin with. I do the recipe planning for our holiday meals and lead cooking, but of course DH and I discuss it all and DH does the shopping and helps prep and cook. We talk through how elaborate we’re going and where we think it’s worth buying pre-made or going simple. If he showed no interest in that it would concern me and probably make me far less interested in investing in the project myself. The same goes for gift buying and decorating, by the way - my DH does most of the shopping/ordering and keeps track of what’s been bought and what we still need to do, but we have a hundred little conversations about it in the run up brainstorming ideas and I take charge of tracking down certain things and nothing our DC open is a surprise to me. So it sounds like there’s an underlying breakdown of the partnership feeling and both of you are probably feeling isolated.

I think in your case I’d insist on trying counseling, even if he’s being pessimistic about it. It’s worth at least attempting to repair things before splitting.

This bears repeating amidst all the black & white “he’s a bastard” posts. Relationships are a lot more nuanced than we can understand from one incident.

StormingNorman · 27/12/2024 23:46

Wordau · 27/12/2024 17:49

Even if she did why the fuck should she do anything about it given she's doing literally everything else?

Show quote history

Because not doing anything about it is cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And because doing something only needs to be as simple as: “What are you planning for lunch tomorrow? Shall we get a Chinese if you haven’t managed to get to Waitrose yet”?

Or: “What time were you planning to go to Sainsbury’s”?

Posters including myself are suggesting OP communicates, not relieves DH of responsibility for providing dinner.

RB68 · 27/12/2024 21:34

He is telling you you don't matter and that he doesn't care about it.

I would make plans to separate. Take enough money to have a good proper consult with a (shit hot) lawyer. Because of the disabilities and the young age of the kids with disabilities as well, you should get a good settlement and need a good lawyer to pay for that. I mean how hard is it to decide food, do a click and collect and fetch it. You actually had the hardest job of gifts and decorating.

I would def encourage therapy appts for you both - his reaction has been to switch off all emotion and involvement in family. I am not saying that is good - in fact its awful BUT it is also a valid reaction to the trauma you have all been through - he needs to deal with his trauma and then address his responsibilities whether he stays or not

I reckon he might be concerned of the optics of leaving so if you do seperate then I would use that as leverage to get him to do the right thing and support you all going forward. You also need to think about how it will all work for you and the Children as I am not convinced he would see himself taking them on if you left!

Inmydreams88 · 27/12/2024 21:19

What did the children eat?

SlipperyFish11 · 27/12/2024 20:55

Playing devil's advocate here...he sounds really depressed to me. Yes you're both going through something, but he sounds like he's more outwardly struggling and you're internally struggling. I would be upset about the sandwich, but not to that extent. If he's been a good husband before this recent behaviour, then stick around and get him some help.

FusionChefGeoff · 27/12/2024 20:19

All the supermarkets were doing varying versions of a ready meal Xmas dinner with all the sides etc, few crisps / peanuts / box of chocs.

Even that's a bit shit but at least it's a token effort.

SunnyTealLeader · 27/12/2024 20:18

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SunnyTealLeader · 27/12/2024 20:16

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FusionChefGeoff · 27/12/2024 20:13

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 14:03

Yes, it was Christmas Day food. I was so confused. When we have extended family for Christmas lunch it’s always the full works - seafood, glazed ham etc. His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

This is just awful. What a truly horrible, hurtful thing to say and do. I'd make 2025 a year to plan how you can move on. What a twat.

BeAzureAnt · 27/12/2024 19:30

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 13:31

I hope this isn’t too outing, and hoping for some wise advice.

DH and I are in a very low place. DC1 has critical illness & high needs. The discovery of this came after I was already pregnant with DC2. During 2nd pregnancy I experienced a life threatening illness which has left me with long term side effects (eg I can no longer drive). To the external world I’m positive and functioning exceptionally well, but I may never revert to the super mum, energetic, athletic person I previously was.

DH is angry/exhausted. This is not what he wanted from parenthood or from a partner. It’s all well and good for ‘in sickness and health’, but DC1 and I’s health is proving too much.

For Christmas, my job was tree/decorations/gifts, DH’s was food. DH did not sort out food. We had leftovers. 3 leftover sausages in some almost stale bread. There was no present under the tree from him to me.

I was… hurt. DH asked me that night whether I had a good day. I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

This is obviously tip of the iceberg and lots of small issues that have culminated to now. But I just had this moment of clarity that maybe I just release him from this life he doesn’t want, and release myself from always feeling like I’m not worthy of love.

Children are still very young but maybe that’s a good time to recreate a new life.

He has said he’s open to couple’s counselling but he “knows” the problem will be him.

Would a leftover sausage sandwich be the last straw for you too?

I honestly answered that some of it was fun, but I felt sad that there are never any moments he shows thoughtfulness or care for me. His response was - you’re an adult.

OP, adults need care and thoughtfulness too, especially from your husband. You don’t have to be a child to need love.

When you say your first child has critical illness, is their life span going to be quite limited or is it a lifelong disability? I ask because that can help inform a long term strategy so neither of you lose yourself and your own well being in a really rough situation.

Is there any way you can get some respite care? My DH and I spent a number of years caring for his mum, and we found that really hard, and we aren’t facing everything you and your husband are. I’m not excusing your DH, but there were times my husband and I were having a hard time relating to one another because caregiving is bloody exhausting.

Original poster
Growingyou · 27/12/2024 19:23

Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments and perspectives. I do waver between thinking ‘he feels trapped by the circumstances, wants to leave, but couldn’t deal with the backlash from family/friends so is forcing me to make a move’ or wondering whether this is depression or serious burn out. I don’t blame him for the latter, there are days I feel seriously burnt out too. But there’s still care (for him) there.

For those wondering… yes of course I noticed the fridge was near empty. I warned him on Christmas Eve morning that we had just enough food for breakfast and lunch. By early afternoon when he hadn’t gone to the shops, I unfortunately had a reason to force him to - my child was poorly and needed a specific medicine - so he was forced to the shops. He came home with a single bag (it crossed my mind that that wasn’t a particularly big shop) but I just took the medicine and figured he’d got enough for a few meals. I wasn’t anticipating an elaborate feast.

And for those asking, extended family are ready to support but are a long distance away. But DH decided he wanted to do Christmas just us this year (the first time).

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 27/12/2024 19:08

That's awful - I have a dibilitaing disability and 2 children, one who can be difficult to manage for various reasons. My DH still continues to recover from a serious accident earlier this year!
I did lots of sorting for Christmas, several things weren't bothered with but DH cooked entire Christmas lunch.
You deserve better.

dutchyoriginal · 27/12/2024 19:06

ChristmasKelpie · 27/12/2024 18:51

He is waiting for you to end it. After all he can't be seen to leave a critically ill child and a chronically ill wife as the world would not think kindly of him so he will push and push until you snap. So don't snap just yet, save and hide every penny you can, don't cover for him and make sure people see him for what he is.

What she said

Don't give him an out and do not let him save face. He seems to have checked out, then let him be open about that to his family/friends/acquaintances.

I would also choose counseling together, anything to improve your relationship now and possibly after divorce is a positive.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 27/12/2024 18:58

ChristmasKelpie · 27/12/2024 18:51

He is waiting for you to end it. After all he can't be seen to leave a critically ill child and a chronically ill wife as the world would not think kindly of him so he will push and push until you snap. So don't snap just yet, save and hide every penny you can, don't cover for him and make sure people see him for what he is.

Amen to this post

Calliekins · 27/12/2024 18:53

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 14:03

Yes, it was Christmas Day food. I was so confused. When we have extended family for Christmas lunch it’s always the full works - seafood, glazed ham etc. His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

That's just heartbreaking, he sounds a thoughtless individual. I hope what ever you decide on ie counselling or not etc that you'll be ok!

ChristmasKelpie · 27/12/2024 18:51

He is waiting for you to end it. After all he can't be seen to leave a critically ill child and a chronically ill wife as the world would not think kindly of him so he will push and push until you snap. So don't snap just yet, save and hide every penny you can, don't cover for him and make sure people see him for what he is.

Newmumburnout · 27/12/2024 18:41

Yes it would be the last straw for me

ExceededUsefulEconomicLife · 27/12/2024 18:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

"That's for everyone else" is truly heartbreaking. You're worth so much more than

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 27/12/2024 18:36

Growingyou · 27/12/2024 14:03

Yes, it was Christmas Day food. I was so confused. When we have extended family for Christmas lunch it’s always the full works - seafood, glazed ham etc. His explanation was that’s for everyone else but he wasn’t going to bother if it was just me.

and he wonders why you weren't happy.

He does rather sound as if he has checked out :(

Duckingella · 27/12/2024 18:35

Sadly statistically men are far more likely to leave a relationship where a woman or a child has a serious health crisis/health issues than the other way around.

Nobody asks nor wants an ill/disabled child but you both do only your DH is so entitled and selfish that he clearly thinks the responsibility is optional for him.

I'm betting if it was him who had a health issue he'd fully expect you to support him.

A marriage is a life long commitment,people will grow and change during that time and as we get older we will physically change too,people get older it's a fact of life.

It's immaturity,selflessness and entitlement on his part.

I'd be quietly cautious,men with that sort of mindset sometimes feel entitled to cheat.

commonsense61 · 27/12/2024 18:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Sushu · 27/12/2024 18:29

Those who are asking why didn’t she notice, well I don’t know….maybe it’s her own illness/disability she is managing alongside caring for a severely unwell child…?!! He had one job and she managed her own jobs, making excuses for him is absolutely outrageous. He didn’t apologise and say “I’ve been so overwhelmed, let’s see if a restaurant is open for a takeaway” but he made a callous comment about how his wife didn’t matter. He couldn’t even be arsed to write her name on a card so she could see something under the tree for her. It’s not about the Christmas dinner, it’s how badly he’s acted towards his wife.

OP, I am so sorry and hope you seek support from everywhere possible and ditch the man who shows you no kindness.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 27/12/2024 18:27

He wants you to leave but he wants you to do it. Then he’s not the man who left his sick wife and child. Imagine the reputational damage. He wants to come out of this guilt free. It really is all about him.

Saying that, I’ve never been one to cut off my nose to spite my face. I’d call him out on it but I’d fucking leave in a heartbeat, what a waste of a life.

Barney16 · 27/12/2024 18:27

This is so sad and I feel for you. You deserve so much better. I'm sure he is struggling, I'm guessing he wasn't like this when you married him? But it's just not acceptable. Don't think of it as freeing him, think of it as freeing yourself for something much better, more loving and more supportive.

AlexaSetATimer · 27/12/2024 18:25

Londisc · 27/12/2024 17:23

It's nothing to do with being a man. Being depressed does not justify treating your partner like shit.

Exactly!