To leave over sausage in bread…

So what , one of them is his child and the other a woman who he supposedly loves . All he had to do was buy some food for Christmas .

It doesn't at all sound like he's open to it really. He said he was, but added that he 'knows the problem will be him'. He's saying he's willing, so the OP can't claim he's not trying, but he's shutting down any idea that counselling might be a good idea, by implying he wouldn't get a fair hearing during counselling sessions.

What counselling might do is help you plot a path forward given the health complexities and stresses. That path might be a way forward together and give you strategies to work through or a path apart. But given your child's health it might be beneficial as even apart you'll still need to work together.

Seems like he needs help though so I think it's worth it to lighten the load on you.

He sounds depressed as well as angry and exhausted. As do you.
You have 2 children so I would always hope that you can give your marriage a chance by going to counselling. It sounds like he is open to it. Best wishes OP.

He's being deliberately cruel. He's entitled to feel sad and worried about the fact that life has not turned out as easy and pleasant as he'd like, but he is taking it out on you and punishing you when it's not your fault and when you need and deserve his support.

A fucking sausage sandwich for Christmas dinner? I would be incandescent.

I would divorce him op but insist he retain 50% of the parenting.

This is absolutely not a thing you can do when divorcing. You cannot force the other parent to have any level of contact, much less half custody, and you sure as fuck don’t get to insist they actually parent during the times they do have the kids. You can go through the courts to make them pay maintenance (which is usually far less than half the cost of actually raising a child) but that’s it.

It doesn’t mean splitting wont be the best option in many cases, but people should be under zero illusions about this when making that choice.

I don't think people are criticising her rather than expressing suprise she never noticed, must people would be in the fridge at some point and actually see the Christmas food wasn't there!

And the OP?

She, (the one suffering and also dealing with their child)

How's she doing?

That 'just' told you all you need to know

I'm sorry @Growingyou

Yes I guess so but wouldn't you ask 'what's for dinner then?' and maybe why there weren't any Christmas Eve treats. I suppose there must be a complete breakdown in communication sadly.

As has been said, if OP is disabled, maybe a wheelchair user, she may not be able to check kitchen cupboards/high fridge and be relying on her DH to know the situation.
It's not hard to think of situations outside your own where circumstances are different.

That’s even worse. He would have been in a shop heaving with people over the Christmas food and made a conscious effort and decision to not get anything.

“He's cruel. Men do often punish or leave wives in these circumstances, they believe they shouldn't have to perform caring work and should only be cared for.”

This is so true of many men. I would divorce him op but insist he retain 50% of the parenting. You need respite to thrive and come back to life. Don’t liberate him to imprison yourself further.

@BigSilly you’d be as wrong with that statement as you are defending the husband.

I have decades long experience with being mentally ill. Everything from anxiety, PMDD, CPTSD, burn out and breakdown. Whilst I may have been self centred at times, at no point did I go out of my way to be cruel to anyone in my life on purpose. To have choices and consistently make the one that would hurt someone else so I could make them feel worse. At no point did I ever turn to anyone and say ‘I could have done something nice for you, but chose not to because you are not worth it because I feel bad and it’s your fault’.

OP’s husband may have mental illness but he’s also a selfish twat. Two things can true at once.

I'm not excusing OP's H in anyway. To me, his actions come from cruelty, not depression.

What does seem very apparent, is that this isn't a functioning relationship. As myself and others have pointed out, in a normal couple, there are multiple conversations in the run up to Christmas about how each partner is getting on with their agreed tasks.

I would also suggest that when a house has a critically ill child, being prepared for the unexpected becomes normal, and families adapt to this by keeping food for emergencies and when things don't go to plan.

In this case, OP set a test for her H and he manifestly failed.

Both parents need to make some decisions here. Unless they both agree to commit to the relationship and work at it jointly, then it has reached its conclusion.

i agree the relationship sounds broken but I can’t get over someone not knowing or caring what Christmas dinner plans are, and not discussing it as a team, even if it has been divvied up as the other persons responsibility.

Oh FFS, some of these posts!

This relationship is done. Counselling will not help, because this man has already GONE (not 'withdrawn'). He's cruel enough to serve up a sausage sandwich for Christmas dinner - and that's what it is - a cruelty. He might as well have written 'I don't care a jot for you or the children' on the plate in tomato ketchup - because he doesn't love the children either, to do that to their mother.

He's not shown her the basic respect due to any other human being, let alone the mother of his children. At Christmas.

OP, I totally agree with a previous poster. Keep your tinder dry and leave in your own good time, when you are good and ready, and able to show the world what an arsehole he is, and all the reasons why you've ended it.

Because he's not burnt out - OP did the christmas decorations and gifts - you know, the hard bits. All he had to do was food. He could have shoved a chicken in, put some carrots on the hob and microwaved some Tesco mash, and OP is so ground down she'd not have batted an eyelid and would have been grateful.

I'll say it once more for those at the back - mental illness does not turn you into a selfish cunt, unless you already were one.

Yeah, you don't know much about mental illness.

I see the great dick defenders are out in force on this thread now.

OP DID flag there was no food. The only reason her husband went to the shop on Christmas Eve was to get medicine for their sick child. He came back with one bag.
He CHOSE not to get the Christmas food when he was in the shop and could have.
HE TOLD OP SHE WAS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OF NICE FOOD.

People are in such a panic to defend a penis they lose the ability to read.
He is not burned out or depressed any more than he is just a cunt who wants to punish a sick woman.
How’s that for nuance.

Your husband has had to contend with 2 sick people for a long time . He is burnt out!

He showed you what he thinks you are worth… Zero effort with food and no present. You’re the staff. You need to meet him with the same energy @Growingyou Stop facilitating his needs.

To be honest this sounds like someone who depression who is just barely coping. As crap as this was OP at this point I would be so concerned about DP that I would be starting to look for signs of suicide as his way of escape, and if you see anything like that act immedietaly to get help.

How can anyone get to Christmas Day without realising there is no food or treats in the house? Sorry I just don't get it. OP was aware enough to sort the tree, decorations and gifts so how would the food situation completely pass you by. I know it wasnt OPs job but even so, it seems impossible. Sometimes when I read these threads I think they can't possibly be true, nothing adds up. Why someone would do that I don't know. Maybe we're missing a massive part of the story 🤷