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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being uptight?

155 replies

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

OP posts:
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chocolatemademefat · 04/01/2025 15:59

Unless they’re in Transylvania and a family of bloody vampires that’s odd behaviour. Refuse to go again - they’re rude.

maxandru · 04/01/2025 14:40

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

YANBU
Your schedule is normal; theirs is not!

Imisssleep2 · 03/01/2025 16:18

That is not a normal routine, and you shouldn't have to adapt your lo for it either. Yanbu but also don't see how you can get round it either

Nantescalling · 02/01/2025 20:47

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 18:44

Thankyou all for your replies.

It does suck, DH got up at 5pm and hasn't even enquired as to DDs day.

It was the same last year and I was promised that this year would be better. I was promised that he would be getting up with us and spending time with us but 3 days in and that hasn't happened

For context during the week he works away Monday-Friday and I do everything around my full time job, so I do feel resentful that my Christmas break is more of the same

He's busy playing cards with his family now getting ready to go again, so I will put DD to bed and then get him alone to let him know I'm going to fly home with the baby and he can stay until the new year

Best idea yet. If he can't see why then he is a total dick. I've lived that. It's a cultural thing and their kids are programmed for that timetable. They obviously know nothing else. DH doesn't seem to be on your team. He's returned to the womb and cards and booze. Bon voyage, din't chicken out !

Phoenixfire1988 · 02/01/2025 13:46

Why are you still married you are a single parent anyway he's a shit husband and an even worse dad is this what you want your daughter to grow up thinking is acceptable??

Meltdown247 · 01/01/2025 22:03

MyPurpleHeart · 27/12/2024 12:50

Would like a bit of perspective please

I'm currently in another country with the in laws for Xmas. We come here from Xmas Eve to the 2nd Jan. DH only gets to come over a few times a year so we stay the whole way through

The family is massive, 20 adults and only 3 kids, and we have DD 19 months. They are night time people, they will sleep in till around 2pm and then nap in the afternoons and literally stay up all night drinking, playing games and chatting. This morning as I was taking DD down for breakfast DH passed us going up to bed at 8am

I have always struggled with these late nights, every once in a while I can do but consistently late nights kills me. Before we had DD I did my best but would come home exhausted.

My problem is, DD is a standard 19 month old. Up at 7, lunchtime nap, bed at 7. I pushed this out a few hours xmas eve and xmas day but paid for it yesterday as she was a nightmare. So it means that we hardly see the family, and DH much to my frustration. I'm in another country with none of our home comforts, trying to entertain a bored toddler as best I can with absolutely no help. There's feck all to do round here so I'm driving for hours to take her out for walks and lunches to fill the day.

The family also don't seem to understand her bedtime, and whilst they are lovely people, they make comments every night that she's going to bed too early and I have to defend my position. I also get the same comments when I go to bed before them because I'm shattered from looking after DD all day

I work full time in a very stressful job and looked forward to a Xmas break. It doesn't feel like much of a break and I just want to go home so we can at least potter about the house and watch movies without tiptoeing around trying not to wake up adults sleeping the day away.

Am I being uptight about the whole thing? I honestly feel like the fucking nanny to my own child

After 12 years YABU. Just go for a few days and let your DH stay on. You obviously knew what you were getting into over 12 years so suck it up now. As you say these are rare trips.

Buffs · 01/01/2025 20:34

YADNBU. Your DH getting up at 5pm when it’s both of your holidays and you being left in sole charge of the toddler is not acceptable.

pollymere · 01/01/2025 20:32

I had this. What made it worse was that if DH did take DC (just the one) then they would be given to some random female to look after and he'd be plied with alcohol and expected to stay up. He did protest but was considered rude if he didn't stay.

I spent one trip just really getting by on very little sleep at all. I can't even promise you that it got better or easier as my DC got older. My suggestion would be that you only do Christmas OR NY in future and think of something you can do as a small family unit for the other.

croydon15 · 01/01/2025 20:19

Not a pleasant holiday for you l would not bother going again.

Pinkpeanut27 · 01/01/2025 19:24

I’m going to say yes you are being a little uptight . Now don’t get me wrong I would absolutely be the same so I totally have your back here ! For me I was dead set on strict routine with my kids it was the only way I could manage ( and it was my choice how I managed ) with 3 kids and a workaholic husband ! So I made my choice and was judged to be uptight .
I would have hated the schedule you mention .
however as I’m assuming it’s your dhs family he should be allowed to enjoy it for a while . But he should absolutely man up and be a daddy and husband and make sure you don’t spend the whole time looking after your cranky kid ( out of routine ) whilst not getting a break or proper sleep .

mine are older now and more self sufficient I. These circumstances but I really do remember those days . So yes you are being uptight but no not unreasonable baby’s need structure and routine

peacockshrimp · 01/01/2025 19:23

….are they vampires by any chance?

im also from a rather nocturnal family but cannot imagine that with a 19 month old. The routine changes around my young children whenever we visit. You should be getting help not only from your husband but his broader family as well. Don’t feel you’re being uptight - I honestly would not go again!

Isittimeformynapyet · 01/01/2025 19:21

Lolnic · 01/01/2025 18:48

Clearly you have never been the parent of a 19 month old 🙄

Who's that to?

GivingitToGod · 01/01/2025 19:12

BarbedButterfly · 27/12/2024 13:48

My partner's family are the same and so am I. We are all night owls and when we don't have work we are all nocturnal. I can see how it would be hard with a baby though. They can do as they want but your DH doesn't get to opt out of parenting

THIS

Iceboy80 · 01/01/2025 19:06

This is just ridiculous, what is up with that family, weirdos

Lolnic · 01/01/2025 18:48

Clearly you have never been the parent of a 19 month old 🙄

Nikki75 · 01/01/2025 18:17

Feel for you with your little DD I couldn't put up with this from family.
Your DD is so young too and needs her sleep and rest as you do .
Hubby needs to check his behaviour and remember he has a DD and yourself to think about .. good on you for flying home I'd do the same .

Mrsgreen100 · 01/01/2025 18:04

Culture different, that’s just how they roll
in same situation years ago , my DD did long siesta and slept on my lap at the long late dinners etc
and coped ok tbh

frecklejuice · 01/01/2025 15:56

How did it go @MyPurpleHeart? Did you go home or just ride it out?

4forksache · 01/01/2025 10:30

I remember being in a similar situation once when dd was a baby. It was so terribly boring without the comforts and facilities at home. No tv either as it was all in Italian.
sympathies.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/12/2024 14:48

Please tell me you're on your way home now?

Also why don't you get your DH up earlier to look after his own child during the daytime?

sashangel · 31/12/2024 13:57

I think it is a continental thing.

My neighbours have their children and grandchildren over for Christmas and new year. We are going to bed at 10 and you can still hear the adults and kids next door. They are all up till 1-2am (occasionally later). Then you don't hear anything till about noon.

helpmyback · 31/12/2024 13:28

Hope you are OK OP and made it safely home.

My first reaction was fuck that shit but then I read your update and we need to k know if you are ok!

thegirlwithemousyhair · 31/12/2024 12:57

What a completely ridiculous set up. What is wrong with people. Youve got a baby FGS.

I wouldve left by now - in fact, I probably wouldve stayed at home to begin with.
Put your foot down next year.

CocoapuffPuff · 31/12/2024 12:27

I'd not have gone, based on the knowledge that this had happened before. Now he's reneged on his promise to actually BE a parent instead of a brat, I'd be packing and heading to the airport with my baby. He can stay if he wants but I'd be getting myself out of that situation as quickly as possible. Might as well be a single parent in your own home.

CrayonCritic5 · 31/12/2024 12:26

Everlygreen · 31/12/2024 09:24

Record each and every day for yourself - the times your dh woke up and how much he interacted each day. Do this for yourself so you won't be made to be some mad, overreacting woman.

This is disgraceful of your husband. I would actually just leave and never do this again. Fine if the rest of the adults want to behave like this but your dh is pathetic. He's just dumped you with all the responsibility when it's meant to be family time and a holiday for you too. You would be perfectly reasonable to never do this again. What a pathetic man.

And I dont think it would be petty at all to ‘cash’ all those hours in. Obviously OP you want to be a consistent parent for your DD and you’re not just going to swan off but if ever you need some me time, it would me more than fair and appropriate for him to pick up that slack.