So sick of my ex - aibu to have made plans?

Just another chipping in here OP.

My parents never "pandered" to my anxiety. I'm now awaiting assessment for autism at age 35. I spent my whole childhood barely surviving, getting very physically unwell from the stress, had my first bout of shingles age 10 I was so unwell from the constant stress and anxiety. Burnt out and had to leave school before GCSEs because I just couldn't cope, went on to be unable to leave the house for 10 years, developed anorexia.

You bloody pander. Pander away. You're doing the right thing looking after that little one.

Yeah my parents treated me like that, forced me to do things I didn't want to and it created so many problems that I've had to deal with in adulthood. I now know how to handle my anxiety and issues but it's taken me so many years.

my child is autistic. And I know my child well enough to know when things will/won’t work. You can’t just drag them somewhere and expect they’ll sit quietly like a good kid should! Yes you can prepare but you always have to prepare for the fact you may have to leave again 5 minutes or less from arrival for everyone’s sanity, but mostly theirs!

It's a day he is supposed to have his kids. If his child won't go to his uncles he cancels the plans and looks after her and spends time with her elsewhere.

If you co-parent and it's your day with your child you don't take them back to the other parent if things don't go to plan.

Look at it this way - if OP had made plans to visit her own uncle with the kids, and her daughter refused to go, would it be right to call her ex and say he has to have their daughter, as she isn't going along with OPs plans?

I suspect what would happen is OP would cancel the visit and stay home with her daughter. As her ex ought to have done.

I have very mild anxiety, and I'm alot older than Ops DD, if I get pushed I'll just have a meltdown. My DH, sees it spiralling and can talk me down.

I never learnt to handle anxiety BC people didn't 'pander' when I was young.

I’m Autistic. I’m guessing by your response you think that autism is some kind of deformity. It’s not and your children will be better off if you stop treating them like they should be protected from social interaction at all cost.

Maybe the issue is you’re giving a child a choice and not accounting for how it’s going to make a difference to your freedom to make plans.

It would do her well to be in a situation where she’s interacting with family that she doesn’t know very well. Stop pandering to “anxiety”

Do you have an autistic child? I’m guessing probably not by your response.

In Ann ideal world, he'd have changed his plans to better support his daughter. So YANBU but I think you need to put your foot down about his behaviour towards her struggles.

I agree with you. Sadly, some dads cannot be relied on to help their children manage unfomfortable situations, and so Mum ends up having to save the day.

At least OP knows what to.expect next year and can try to negotiate a different arrangement for ex to have the kids, instead of taking them to the uncle. After all, it is Christmas, so he can be a bit flexible.

He sounds very inflexible in his own plans. Rigid, in fact - "this is The Plan and my daughter can join in with it or I won't see her".
Ass!

The Dad should have just mugged off the uncle trip to spend the day with his children- especially as one is highly anxious. Good news though that this guy is your ex! 👍

Sounds like my DS dad to a T. It’s all well and good digging your heels in and forcing them to parent but the bottom line is that isn’t what’s best for the child.
I’ve just decided to carry on as if sons father didn’t exist and if he wants to see DS he reaches out to him directly and if DS wants to go he lets me know. I have zero free time, I get very annoyed sometimes that 2 of us made this child but now only I am raising him BUT that’s the hand we have been dealt. The child years aren’t forever and I know I will get time to do my own plans when he is older xxx

So she had to cancel plans because the shit dad couldn't be bothered to speak to his daughter to see what would help her with her anxiety in this situation. Why is she the one that has to cancel plans and not the dad when it's his time with them.

From a divorced mum of two neurodivergent children/ now adults.
My ex never 'got it'/ didnt believe in all that stuff. Never engaged or made an effort when we were together, even less when he left. It's shit for them and of course you will be the one who steps up, as always. They do realise and do appreciate, in time. But it's fine to vent.

Why shouldn’t he have to cancel plans? That’s stupid

What do you expect him to do if she wouldn’t go with him? He can’t drag her in the car and he shouldn’t have to cancel plans.

She either went and become miserable or stayed with you as she can’t be left.

Its a shot situation all around but I don’t think either of you are in the wrong.