The amount of mess in my house makes me want to cry, cleaning it up constantly makes me want to cry

You said that they are constantly buying and that every week DH brings a bag of stuff home. I don't think that is normal.

Hoarding is an actual illness.

Buying too many toys to show love is not hoarding. It makes life more difficult for some of us, but it's not an actual illness. You may want to think before you throw around terms like that so flippantly.

Most people aren't saying anything about their family compulsively buying hoards of stuff even though they beg them not to and even if they know you are throwing it away. Unless you are exaggerating, it sounds like your family are hoarders.

You mean "I managed so the rest of the world should be able to"?

Have you spoken to the entire population of parents? Done a survey of an accurate cross section? Or talking literally about your own experience?

Because we're all talking about our own experience and if you read the thread I'd say most people on here have the same issue with too much clutter and are struggling to keep on top of it too. So what makes you say that most people find it as easy as you?

It is for most people.

Same here.

I managed to persuade one relative this year that cash towards days out for us as a family would be much better than mounds of stuff.

The bag of presents from my parents and siblings alone was almost as big as our tree. My sister had bought things like the stuff you find in knock knack shops on seaside holidays, not stuff we ever have out or would give a three year old to play with.

I also have regular debates with family as to whether they should let us know what is coming, which they don't want to because "it's nice for a a surprise". Which it is, I agree, for DD. But if you tell me you're buying X Lego set or book or doll or whatever, I can say "oh no, we have that" or "she doesn't like Y, you'd be better with Z" and we'd not end up with duplicates or things she doesn't like, at the very least. Last year I sent a total of 6 gifts back to the givers because we already had what they'd sent.

Aside from "occasions", my in laws are constantly buying. She visits most weeks and every week DH brings her plus a bag of stuff home. And you can't refuse it, because then you upset MIL and that caused more problems than it's worth. It's easier to sort and donate. My family live 4 hours away and so when they visit / we visit they have a stack of things they've seen in between visits for her. Can't refuse that because they buy as a substitute for time together.

It's not as easy as "just don't have as much in the first place".

Ds used to play with Lego on a tray or a sheet so it's easy to scoop back into the box.

Nah, some people just love buying stuff and don’t gaf. We’ve asked MIL till we’re blue in the face to stooopppppp but she still sends 6-7 gifts per Christmas and birthday. DS turned two on Christmas Eve, he needs bugger all and has no clue, he still got a total of 15 things from her across birthday/christmas.

Well, she SENT 15 things. We donated 13 and presented one on birthday, one under the tree.

But even if relatives are sensible all it takes is having a lot of them, and then them not enjoying the idea of giving book tokens, days out, vouchers; you can be quickly inundated and they don’t all care if you’re donating it. We get a lot of “at least they had fun unwrapping it!” and “the charity shop will welcome it!” as if it’s not a burden to declutter constantly or as if manufacturing this stuff in the first place isn’t a problem.

Do you tell them that you throw stuff away? Perhaps if you didn't keep thinning it out they would realise you have too much and stop buying it? Maybe they think your children don't have many toys if your house seems quite empty.

My husband is a bit shit at tidying up after himself as well and I literally cry ... so exhausted and so frustrated. ...So yesterday my husband said, let's just leave it a bit- it doesn't make a difference as they make a mess so quickly anyway. So we left it a bit, but I'm just fuming today. I feel sick and frustrated.

This is the actual problem.

Your husband simply does not see or mind the mess.

He doesn't care about what it's doing to your home or your peace of mind.

He doesn't have any empathy with how you're feeling.

He doesn't pitch in and do his half of the duty.

Careful not to ask him to 'help me' tidy up. Or to say 'please could you do it for me'. That suggests it's your job.

This is where a big part of the change needs to happen.

Replaced by slobs who don't do anything to help dump washing with their dirty plates on the floor and think mummy is their servant.

It's probably because they're overwhelmed and overstimulated by having so much. And you're overwhelmed by seeing it everywhere and never getting respite from it.

Three steps:

1 Stop the influx

Stop buying toys and tell relatives no to toys. It doesn't = love. Money, book tokens, clothes, art materials instead.

(If you do buy toys, avoid the ones with loads of BITS that can go missing, get mixed up, get trodden on.)

2 Reduce what you have

Look at what they have. Tell them if they're six, 'oh that's a bit ... five ...' and see if they decide themselves that it can go to younger kids.

Let them know in an age appropriate way that some children don't have anything, if they're refugees, or in care etc.

Let them help you box them up and take to charity 'for the babies.'

3 Store well

Storage in their own room, not in the family room - you need adult sane space to keep you calm and relaxed.

Start a routine. All toys to go back to bed at night, just like they do. A basket each they can use for putting the toys to bed each evening.

A bedroom unit with easy pull out drawers they can empty and then tidy back themselves.

OP I absolutely get it! All the people who say to "just declutter" tend to be those who are always out of the house, force kids to stay in their rooms or give them mind-numbing amounts of screen time. Before they can read, kid can only use toys to play with and that inevitable creates physical mess.
Not at all: I declutter often because the stuff accumulates often, it’s not one and done. I do it while they’re playing so I can semi-supervise the play/mess/destructive behaviour but it also helps to see what they’re playing with versus what they’re trampling over. Big box on a high shelf and I would make an excellent, albeit short, basketball player with how good I’ve got at flinging party bag tat and craft creations up into it while they’re playing.

House is still messy but it’s messy with play rather than that horrifying smorgasbord of underfoot crumbs, paper bits, random tiny things, all the missing muddled bits from sets, old pen lids, etc.

I try to tidy less as we go as I would be exhausted by the end of the day, and they’d only go back to the scene of the crime and re-mess it: so right now DS is playing with trains but there’s a big scatter of pens and colouring books on the floor. But that’s fine, he’s two and it’s easier for him when bored with trains to potter over and get going with colouring again if it’s already all out. Before, I was frantically tidying each thing then unpacking it all again, so by evening I was DONE. But we do have the luck and privilege of a big Edwardian house with space to spread out (though that also means every room is horrifying at times).

DD5 plays more and more in her room but by choice, I’ve no idea how I’d force her to stay in there or keep her stuff in there anymore than I’d know how to force DS not to experimentally put yoghurt in his ears to see what it’s like.

Definitely!! I found a lot of her reframes helpful for this - like allowing the shop to store something instead of me storing it. The value in empty space vs the value of all this stuff which isn't being used.

And lots of practical tips - going by category rather than area means once a category is done, it stays done, it doesn't slowly mix into the chaos of everyday life, because whether a sock is in the bathroom, hallway, kitchen or bedroom it's still a sock. Whereas you can endlessly declutter the bedroom, but if the errant sock happens to be in the washing machine or down the back of the sofa it will get missed, and cups/books/doom boxes will find their way back into the bedroom.

Saying thank you to items is also strangely helpful. And I do like her order with putting sentimental things last. I think that's really important, since I get stuck there.

Reduce the number of of toys available, and institute a strict “tidy away what you’ve just played with before you can get another toy out” rule.
Make the storage work so that it is as easy or easier to put an item away as it is to get it out.

While I see what you're saying but we have LOADS of shit in the house because of gifts and bits picked up by family/grandparents in between Xmas and birthdays. It just becomes an endless churn, no matter how much I thin out. I think this is quite common for parents now - fewer kids being born and more doting relatives with extra cash wanting to do a bit of spoiling. It comes from a good place but I wish our cultural ideas of love would shift away from 'stuff'.

I really recognise these 😬

Thank you for that summary, maybe I need to read the book afterall, does she have much to offer people with a scarcity mindset, who hate waste, see value in everything and struggle to let go of the past because the future definitely won't be as good? 🤔 I'll get the book, maybe a version she revised after kids

Decluttering at the Speed of Life is great - or if you don't have time for a book try the podcast (A Slob Comes Clean) - I found this life changing as someone who has always struggled with staying clean/tidy/organised.

@SnowflakeSmasher86 impossible to distil a study of hoarding down into a couple of sentences but you can see a lot of the common themes in this thread.

• Scarcity mindset (I might need that later)
• Worry about "waste" - sunk cost fallacy, guilt over environmental concerns.
• Sentimental value, worry about regretting decisions.
• Executive dysfunction (aka disorganisation) - moving things around rather than getting them out of the house.
• Decision paralysis resulting in putting off a decision until "later".
• Wanting to get rid of things in the "most perfect way" but then this being more effort so not doing it.

I don't mean to spam, but I didn't read your post properly @Annabella92

Hoarding basically stagnates not your home leaving it it without energy, but it stagnates your life, leaving you without energy to live the life you want. She's very big on visualising what you want your home and life to look like, before you start the decluttering journey. You declutter for the life you want now, not hanging to the past and not wishing away your life for the future.

In my own personal experience, I found her book magical in that it did change my home, my outlook and, yes, my life too. I was never a hoarder, just had way too much stuff to be able to breathe easily. It was impacting my mental wellbeing - just that feeling of being out of control and feeling overwhelmed.

OP I absolutely get it! All the people who say to "just declutter" tend to be those who are always out of the house, force kids to stay in their rooms or give them mind-numbing amounts of screen time. Before they can read, kid can only use toys to play with and that inevitable creates physical mess.

I had exactly the same feeling of literally wanting to cry while tidying up and knowing it will be exactly the same a few hours later. Having "living room kids" makes it worse because the clutter migrates into a space for everyone. Ages 2-5 are absolute hell for mess and at some level you may just have to accept it and learn to ignore it. The only halfway solution I found was to stick with toys which are easy to tidy, eg Duplos and Legos. Those can all be chucked into a big box and don't have tiny bits which can go missing. We have one big box of Legos and one big box for miscellaneous toys.

Also, it really does get better around age 6. Once they can read and write it's a huge milestone. They can have books, activity books or simple video games to keep them entertained. The amount of physical mess goes down dramatically. Within 6 months, my evening tidying time went from 1hr+ to just 10mins.

@Annabella92

She basically says declutter by category and keep like with like once you have decluttered. Also, pick up everything, touch and hold and ask if it gives you joy. If it does, keep it, if not (and it's not useful in your life), thank it and let it go.

So categories include:

Clothes ( but you can have sub categories such as underwear, jumpers etc to make it more manageable).
Books
Papers
Everything else
Sentimental items last.

The everything else can be done by category eg utensils, bathroom products, makeup, dvds, etc

Oh I so don't. 😂

If the toy designers had to tidy up the tiny bits they designed - I'm looking at you whoever designed LOL dolls and their tiny clothes and accessories 😤 then they wouldn't have !!

I'm still finding tiny shoes and baby bottles years on!

Empathise OP. It's like shovelling snow when it's still snowing.

In 10 years they will only want screen time and they won’t play with toys anymore, it’s hellish now but you will miss it then.