To have walked out last night?

So you kept his mother company and chauffeured him about all day so he could drink and do things he enjoyed, sorted hot meals out for them while they were enjoying their day, then had the audacity to verbally abuse you for the effort?

I'd be making plans to leave the abusive prick.

@cherrypumpkin

How big are the dogs ?

I cannot imagine a friend who wouldn't help you if you explained the hell you're living in.

If they don't, you have to stop making ex6and go. Your daughter will have somewhere to go. I'd prefer to share a single bed with my m than watch her subjected to this abuse. She's also am adult who will soon launch, so you're not staying for her.
The dogs - again, not worthy staying for.

You must face your fears and make a plan to leave. There's no point trying to get am abuser to notice they're abusing you. He knows what he's doing. Even his mom knows he has form FGS. This is no life.

This is all you need to know. Apply to the courts for an occupation order and get him to leave while you sort yourself out. Everything else can be sorted once you have taken legal advice and have got your ducks in a row, but getting him out is the priority. This is abuse.

He's abusive and absolutely unhinged. You can't convince someone with words that they were acting wrongly when they just don't care and are abusing you! There's literally nothing you will be able to say to him to make him see your point of view because he already can see it he just doesn't give a shit. He will continue to gaslight you as it serves his needs. Be sure if he apologises it will only be in further attempts to control the situation.. it definitely won't be because he genuinely feels bad for you. He sounds like a total narcissist.
No you were not being unreasonable to leave..
But you are being unreasonable to try and continue the relationship.
I hope you can find some way to leave.
Absolutely no one should be spoken to like that. I've said some choice things to my DH over the years and vice versa and I'm a sweary person.. but what you've described is beyond the pale. It's pure abuse. It's not even an argument about something important that got out of hand.. he's verbally abusing you because he didn't like your lasagne!! That's completely unhinged!! It's abusive and controlling.. he wants you worn right down with no self esteem

This is not unusual in abusive relationships. He is perfectly capable of understanding your position, but he doesn't want to. So he obfuscates until you don't know what way is up or down. And then you leave the conversation feeling baffled and hurt, wishing you'd hadn't bothered trying.

There's nothing wrong with your communication. It's not going to help if you explain yourself more clearly. You just can't talk to someone who refuses to listen. No one can.

Please try and disentangle your thoughts from what he thinks and what he tells you. You don't need him to acknowledge the truth. You only need for yourself to acknowledge what's happening here. What he thinks about it is irrelevant.

So it's your friend that you rent your place off and not his?

Then he has to leave and find somewhere to live. Not you. Your friend may be able to help you out even a little bit more if he isn't living there any more with you. You'll only know if you ask them. Why not pop them an email and see what they say. Tell them you're thinking of ending your marriage and getting your husband to leave and can they help you out in the short term?
Worst case scenario is that they would say they can't help you out but you would be no worse off than you are right now.

Oh my love. I can’t offer anything practical in the way of help, but I urge you to try and find a way out.

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Were you wrong?
After driving him and his father and relatives to a racing meet and then going back to collect them and also after making dinner for the ungrateful shits???

No, you were not wrong.

The only thing I might hazard a guess that could be perceived as being wrong was leaving the food for him to have as his dinner. I would have thrown his in the bin the ungrateful shit that he is.

Hi, please contact UK domestic violence centre or the likes of Women's Aid, Harbour which ever is your local service. They will be able to support you in seeking legal advice regarding next steps and will be able to help you understand this was not your fault and is definitely domestic abuse. Seeking support from specialist services might really help you understand you were not wrong in this situation but also assist you in your longer term future planning regarding housing / divorce etc

ETA working with these services may also assist you with what you experienced in your childhood and it can all be taken at your pace xx

If you stay with this man you've set a very low bar for yourself and a terrible example of love to your children.

Something to bare in mind: he only subjected you to the emotional abuse. Whilst he may have 'form for this' he deliberately isolated you by targeting you. And was cheery enough to go back to the rest of the family after abusing you.
He can control his emotional outbursts, this is very evident. He chose not to.

There’s no excuse for him to speak and act in such a vile way. The fact he did it when you were alone is because he knows it’s wrong. He clearly has to put you down in a really nasty way to make himself feel big. Awful behaviour and it’s not what someone who loves you does. You need to take practical steps to leave.

Who cares about the salad. Nobody should speak to their other half like that!

Don't waste your time trying to get through to him about his behaviour. He doesn't care. The best thing would be to discuss with your friend you taking over the tenancy in your own name. When is it due to renew?

No real advice from me, OP - just wanted to say no one in a relationship / marriage should have to tolerate being treated like this. I hope you gather the strength to do something about it - whatever course of action you think best - and not allow this to become the norm in how he speaks to and treats you.

So your daughter is an adult and the only thing keeping you with your abuser is the dogs? I would look for someone to foster them temporarily while you get settled somewhere new. Call rescues, etc. until you find someone.

Staying with the abusive asshole isn't an option. No one should put up his nastiness.

If his lot are aware of his shitty behaviour, they'd be wrong not to have words and try to intervene, otherwise they're part of the problem - maybe mentioning refuge or the police might lever some action. Either way, keep safe.

I need to articulate to him how this situation is not all about me removing myself but about the way he spoke to me which led me to do that.

I really wouldn't bother as he won't capitulate and suddenly realise how unfair he's being; believe me I've been there!

Just get him out

Sorry OP but he's massively gaslighting you! Being nasty, then trying to back track, but still blame you!!

He won't change; only get worse, so please make plans to leave him.

His actions.
He followed you upstairs to harass and abuse you.

I hope your friend evicts him or transfers the tenancy to soley you.

Sorry, OP, but it sounds to me like he really dislikes you. Like he actually hates you. DH and I argue very occasionally and we can both get quite shouty and sweary when we do but we would never speak to each other like this because we still know - even when we’re really annoyed with each other - that we love and respect each other. You need to find a way to get away from him.

He’s a cunt! If my DH had behaved like that he’d have been wearing the fucking lasagne.