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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have walked out last night?

233 replies

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:11

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 27/12/2024 19:09

Also this is not a victim blame. He is a horrible person. That is not in question. Nor have you caused this. But please take immediate steps to get yourself out of this situ.

MummyJ36 · 27/12/2024 19:08

If he isn’t your daughter’s dad PLEASE start making steps to leave him. It would still be bad if he was her father but the fact that you have willingly brought him into your lives and let him go on like this is not a good look. And also to be honest OP I actually really disagree with you leaving to go to a hotel and abandoning your daughter in this situation. I know she is not young but this will be really upsetting for her and I think you have actually acted rather selfishly taking into account the fact that this man is not related to her.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/12/2024 19:02

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2024 18:51

Good point re the dogs, @Sevenwondersofthewoo - my ex took one of my dogs when I was out one day and he was dog sitting (I naively assumed he'd play fair/discuss things beforehand) - never got him back (the dog, that is!). Kids were devastated.

If all in your name he can’t take but might try just to make you aware.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2024 18:51

Good point re the dogs, @Sevenwondersofthewoo - my ex took one of my dogs when I was out one day and he was dog sitting (I naively assumed he'd play fair/discuss things beforehand) - never got him back (the dog, that is!). Kids were devastated.

Perplexed20 · 27/12/2024 18:40

bellocchild · 27/12/2024 18:36

Would your landlord friend help you by evicting you both then letting you become the only tenant?

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This.
Please tell him to leave.

bellocchild · 27/12/2024 18:36

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:25

We rent our home, I do work yes I earn ok money but it still wouldn't be enough to cover everything on my own in a different property as we rent this through a friend of mine who charges us very reasonably in comparison to the market price...

Show quote history

Would your landlord friend help you by evicting you both then letting you become the only tenant?

BeAzureAnt · 27/12/2024 18:22

Women’s aid for advice on how to get out.
Freedom Programme for insights.

He’s abusive, OP. My brother used to do this to me…say horrible things to me in private and then make out to everyone I was unreasonable. It is a common technique to control and isolate you.

ThatKhakiMoose · 27/12/2024 18:22

No one should ever speak to their partner like that. And over absolutely nothing, too!

He's a vile abuser. They're ten a penny and they're all as boring and pathetic as each other. Do whatever you have to do, just get out.

StopStartStop · 27/12/2024 18:21

I need to articulate to him how this situation is not all about me removing myself but about the way he spoke to me
You'd be wasting your breath. He does not care. You will never reach him with your meaning, as he isn't interested to hear. He wanted something to berate you with. He could have just as well have blamed you for the position of stars in the sky.
Please plan your escape.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 27/12/2024 18:17

If he’s on it it’ll be to end the tenancy for both it’ll take 8 weeks usually,

then she can on D day put the tenancy in her name

Please be aware of violence in the coming weeks and find a friend to stay with to avoid him if you can more so at night.

now for the dogs who’s name are they in for the chip who’s name is on the contract if KC registered and who’s name are they in for the vets all relevant as I think he’ll want them to further control you.

Wordau · 27/12/2024 18:08

He is absolutely vile. I wouldn't let my worst enemy talk to me like that. You deserve so much better.

Please speak to your friend - landlady and get her to evict him / end the tenancy.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/12/2024 18:00

HereForTheFreeLunch · 27/12/2024 15:22

PP have already said this - but this is NOT the part that's missing - 'you articulating it well enough'.
The bit missing is the bit where he actually cares how you feel.

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This, this, this!

When this finally sank in with me was when I finally left. I hope you find the strength to too because you sound lovely and deserve so much better.

BrendaSmall · 27/12/2024 17:57

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:31

It's in both names...no I would not be eligible for anything, I have already checked using entitled to.

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If you rent from your friend, get his name taken off the tenancy

CandyLeBonBon · 27/12/2024 17:55

Sorry op. Trying to get him to 'understand' is pointless. He's not interested in healthy communication. This is emotional abuse.

There is ALWAYS a way through, even if it's not immediately obvious. Talking to women's aid, and the national domestic abuse hotline will help. It doesn't have to be physical. What he's doing is still abuse. I'm betting he likes punching holes in walls, preventing you from leaving rooms by blocking the doorway, or similar?

HoppityBun · 27/12/2024 17:55

Good for you.YADNBU

dementedmummy · 27/12/2024 17:54

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:11

I'll try to keep this brief. Yesterday we hosted the my in-laws for the day. I drove them to the races and then stayed home with my 21yr old DD ( we are not racing fans) and MIL who has back issues so wanted to stay with us. I cooked a lasagne and a vegetable curry for the evening, then drove back to collect DH, FIL and my two stepsons and bring them home.
They sat and watched football while drinking, I pottered in the kitchen checking on dinner, bringing drinks etc. At food serving time DH came out as I was dishing up the lasagne. He started to shake his head so I asked what was wrong. He said "that looks fucking shit". I reminded him we had decided not to make a salad as it never gets eaten, he said "you didn't make salad because you couldn't be arsed". I said look it's fine, there's salad on the plate I will put some on the plates, but please don't speak to me like that.
He become very aggressive and told me to put the fucking salad on the plates, then that I was being a massive prick.
I ignored him and finished serving the food and the curry then went upstairs. He followed me up and told me I was a fucking bitch, and entitled prick, that I was selfish and didn't give a shit about anyone else. He was so vile out of no where and I didn't want it to escalate so I packed a bag and slipped out, spending the night in a nearby travel lodge so as not to a) have it become worse and b) spoil the evening for the rest of the family who were enjoying themselves.

He says what I have done is unforgivable in a marriage. He says I shouldn't be concerned about his words and that I should be more concerned about his actions which he said were not wrong.
Was IBU??

I'm going to make a guess here and suggest he has gambled and has a gambling problem. He is aggressive with you because he knows he has spent more than he should have and is looking for a fight to sooth his conscience. You spending the night at the travel lodge has fueled the fire as its more money away. Regardless you have a dear husband problem. There was salad there so this isn't about salad. It's about his complete lack of respect for you. Easier said than done, but this would be a deal breaker for me. Big hugs

Soonenough · 27/12/2024 17:52

He's not remorseful as he probably doesn't even remember half of what he actually said. I know the type well, drinking all day at the races , drinking more in the house and then getting belligerent and nasty. But he was smart enough not to speak like that in front of anyone else the coward. Your leaving meant that he had to explain why you left. Your MIL seems to understand and support you . Can you turn to her for help.? See if your friend would be willing to take him off the lease , check benefits or see if you could have a lodger . Then perhaps plan to get a smaller place you and DD can afford.

AshCrapp · 27/12/2024 17:45

He's abusing you. Don't waste your one precious life on this earth with a man who hates you and treats you with contempt.

askmenow · 27/12/2024 17:43

cherrypumpkin · 27/12/2024 11:25

We rent our home, I do work yes I earn ok money but it still wouldn't be enough to cover everything on my own in a different property as we rent this through a friend of mine who charges us very reasonably in comparison to the market price...

Show quote history

You rent your home through your friend at a competitive rate.... this is preferential to you....NOT him.

Would she remove him from the tenancy, rent to you alone IF you can afford the rent.
Look at the extra benefits you'd be entitled to, ie. reduced council tax with only you living there/up your working hours/take in a lodger and do whatever you need to get shot of this abusive w....ker!

Sign up for a full year so you have security, Your self esteem will improve once he's gone.💐

Horses7 · 27/12/2024 17:39

Do you really want a future with this poor excuse of a man? If you’re renting from your friend kick him out.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 27/12/2024 17:38

OP you only get one life. Please don't waste any more of it on this hateful, abusive shitstain.
I appreciate you'll need to plan as you have the dogs, but do so, seriously. Things don't have to be like this, and shouldn't be like this.

Washingupdone · 27/12/2024 17:36

When he comes home maybe you could have your phone recording what is said and put for safe keeping somewhere?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/12/2024 17:34

@cherrypumpkin
Thank you for that. had they been little i.e. pugs i would have offered to help but I can't fit 2 labs on my bed nor in my car along with my own dogs.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/12/2024 17:34

Tbh when I first started reading I thought you were going to say you walked out because your H didn’t help tidying up after you’d done all the work all day…I mean I’d have said that in itself was really shite.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 27/12/2024 17:33

The fact that you are not utterly outraged and seriously angry with him for his shocking treatment of you tells me that you are far more abused than you realise.

Not all abuse is physical.

Please speak to women’s aid, and do make plans to leave. It may take some time but honestly life can be so much better than this, and there is not reason for it not to be.

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