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Original poster

MIL on her own Christmas

31 replies

Katie1936 · 27/12/2024 09:57

My MIL won’t do anything unless we really beg or persuade her. This Christmas I just asked if she was planning on being around, she said no and I didn’t try and persuade her. She then sent messages on Christmas Day saying her neighbours have bought meals round and made us feel bad.

Boxing Day her DS offered to drive over and she said no, she had over a week notice.

I don’t know what she really wants, should we have persuaded her to spend time with family. Like every other year which she then enjoys. Or does she like the attention from neighbours of being alone it’s very confusing.

Maybe I should have a chat and tell her we’re not going to persuade her anymore, and then she would have been more prepared to not have the usually dance.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 10:11

Whatever her reasons - whether she genuinely wants to be alone or if she is playing silly buggers - follow it up with a message.

"Sorry you don't want to come on Xmas Day, but if you change your mind let me know"

Then...

"That was nice of Agatha to bring some dinner round to you, did you tell her you didn't want to come to us?"

If it's there in black and white that you you offered and she declined, then it should help to deflect the guilt trip she lays on you.

Original poster
Katie1936 · 27/12/2024 10:10

I think you’re right. It always feels like we twist her arm and actually she is probably very happy. I think her DS can’t imagine her being on her own.

With my own mum I wouldn’t persuade her to do anything, I just take her word for it.

OP posts:
Holliegee · 27/12/2024 10:08

Christmas is different for everyone, I suspect she’s quite happy to
have a quiet day on her own and enjoy a meal her neighbours bring for her - I think maybe they too have offered to host her for Christmas and she declined too.
Maybe just tell her what your plans over next Christmas will be (closer to the time) and tell her she’s welcome to join you - maybe have another day where she comes for dinner and spends time with you as a family an ‘unchristmas day’ so to speak.
If not you just have to accept this as how she wants to spend the day.
My Christmases have changed over the years and I really enjoy the ‘relaxing’ part of it, that I didn’t have before- just chilling in my house doing my own thing, it’s quite liberating!!

Growlybear83 · 27/12/2024 10:03

From your post, it doesn't sound as though you made your mother in law feel that you wanted her to come to you on Christmas Day - 'are you planning to be around' isn't much of a welcoming invitation! I couldn't have left a parent or in law alone on Christmas Day unless I was 100% certain that's what they wanted, and I would have tried very hard to persuade them to spend the day with us.

duckduckgooseduckagain · 27/12/2024 10:01

I'd say just offer to host her again. If she says no then leave her be. She probably likes being on her own, with a cooked dinner from the neighbours. I don't see anything wrong in that, don't think she is trying to make you feel bad.

oldestmumaintheworld · 27/12/2024 10:01

Maybe she likes being on her own. Being on Mumsnet has taught me that lots of people prefer it. I love company but now understand that others don't so perhaps it's this.
Experience has taught me that you can't make people do what they don't want to not should you. So perhaps just leave her to it.