MIL on her own Christmas

Don't allow her to "make you feel bad" - you offered, she said no. That's on her. She chose to be alone. Next year offer again, and if she declines again just say "is there a different plan you would prefer or are you happy to be alone again" - put the ball in her court. You are right not to beg her. Offer once then leave it. She can choose whether to accept and if she doesn't then it's not your fault.

Did you actually invite her @Katie1936 , as in a proper invitation that made it sound as though you would have liked her to come? If so, you have nothing to feel bad about. If however "are you planning on being around" was it, then yeah, of course she said "no". It's not persuasion to ask someone in a way that makes them feel wanted.

I’m not sure ‘are you planning on being around’ exactly constitutes a welcoming invitation but appreciate you may not have actually phrased it that way in real life!

In future I would extend the invitation (a proper one, like ‘please come for Christmas this year’) but if she says no then don’t push it. She may genuinely prefer to be alone, but she may also feel that if the invitation is passive or feels begrudging then she’s not actually wanted.

I wouldn't be trying to beg someone to come over for Christmas tbh. Is she happy otherwise?

I have a similar situation with my grandmother, she no longer wants to celebrate Christmas after some very hard losses in recent years (her sister, my grandfather and my mum). We had arranged to go down to see her just after Christmas for her birthday but she postponed because my relative who lives with her has flu and I'm pregnant (fair enough). But she also turned down another offer to visit a couple of weeks before Christmas, doesn't get in contact with me at all despite having access to phone, text and email.

It's very frustrating to see her leading a very lonely existence as she refuses to speak to many family members that my mum also cut off or had some issue with while she was alive and very mentally ill. My DH and I are among the few people she still talks to.

Also frustrating that she'll go for long periods of turning down visits or contact and then when we finally do see her she'll make comments about how long it's been, but she suppose it can't be helped, in a way that sounds quite passive aggressive.

I would just keep offering and take her at her word if she refuses.

I suspect what she wants is to feel welcome. You’re invited want an invite you asked her if she was “going to be around” it isn’t even clear that you are asking her to your house.

Then her DS “offered to drive round on Boxing Day”… I’m not surprised she said no. She probably feels like she’s a burden and you don’t really want her there.

“She then sent messages on Christmas Day saying her neighbours have bought meals round and made us feel bad.”

Why is this making you feel bad?
You invited her, she said ‘no’.
So someone else took her a meal, why are you making a big deal out of this?

“Maybe I should have a chat and tell her we’re not going to persuade her anymore…”

…or don’t? Maybe just leave it.

I voted YABU. She said she didn’t want to come to yours. So what if the neighbours brought her round food. You are being dramatic.

You didn't communicate properly that you were inviting her for Christmas dinner which is why she didn't come.

Why did it make you feel bad that someone brought her food?

If you asked her the way you've writ your post - are you planning on being around - she will have felt completely unwelcome and unwanted. No wonder she didn't come and didn't want anyone to come over either. Next time, invite her properly, genuinely, or don't if you don't want her there (doesn't sound like you do).

It doesnt sound like you actually invited her. I would’ve said no as well as it seems like you didn’t want her there in the first place

Did you ask her like that - are you planning on being around?
Because if someone said that to me I would assume I wasn't invited or wanted.
Maybe the 'persuading' you feel you have to do is actually making an invitation that she feels she's welcome at?

Agree
I don't think she was trying to make you feel bad
We took our neighbors Christmas diners before
Last year one came for a couple of hours.
They wanted to home early so they could fall asleep in their own favourite chair.
Totally respect that.

It’s not clear that you actually invited her. Next time make it clear and say you would like her to join you and what time etc. If she still says no well it’s up to her. (My dm prefers to be on her own on Xmas day but I invite her anyway so she knows she could come if she wanted.)

You asked her if she was around? So you didn’t specifically invite her and let her know that you wanted her to join you? Not really surprising that you didn't see her then, is it?

Tell her that she was invited but she said no. Say that she was wrong to accept the neighbours meals.

I think she likes to be persuaded so she is 100% sure she's not being a burden. People are shaped by their own experiences in life. We have no idea what her own parents or ILs were like.

Has he son invited her?

I wouldn’t engage in bed silly game. She would get nothing more than an ‘Oh well. We asked and you said no’ response.

I have some sympathy with your MIL, @Meadowfinch!

My late DP and I spent most Christmases at home, but would see his family (my DPs are dead and my DB is an anti-social recluse) on Boxing Day.

The first couple of Christmases after his death, I spent the day with the in-laws, but the prospect of a dozen or more people crammed into a tiny, over-heated house didn't appeal to me this year, neither did the hour or more's drive each way and not having a drink, so I stayed home alone.

I found it very relaxing and not at all unpleasant. And at least I could go and have a pee without anyone nicking my seat while I was in the lav!

Some people can be odd. I once asked my elderly mum how she really wanted to spend Christmas and she said "I want you all to go away and let me watch my soaps in peace." 😂

Sometimes you just have to let them get on with it in grumpy isolation.

I would have made the effort to extend a proper invite (which is doesn't sound like you did) and make her feel like she was genuinely welcome, but beyond that if she said no then I'd take it as a no and carry on.

Do you actually invite her or just say "do you plan on being around" as the latter kind of comes across like you see her as a bit of a burden!

Actually, thinking of this has reminded me - my partner has adult children with teenage grandchildren and when we first got together years ago we all went out for Xmas dinner and then,the years that followed we were invited to their homes for Christmas dinner - I like to have dinner at home and my son comes home (he’s also invited to
their homes) and so for years I’ve always declined (Dp could go, I said if he wanted to I had no issues at all - but he chooses to stay with me) and they just accept it and host other family member who accept.
one Christmas when dp,ds and I were really poorly they all phoned at various points offering to drop off meals for us all- but we were ok.
Maybe you’re just putting your feelings onto Mil and she simply doesn’t share it !!

If that's the wording you used then it does sound a bit half hearted and not actually an invite.

This Christmas I just asked if she was planning on being around, she said no and I didn’t try and persuade her.

That doesn’t sound like much of an invitation! I would ask her, ‘we’d like you to come to Christmas dinner this year, would you like to come?’

Surely asking her if she's going to be around isn't the same as a proper invitation?