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Original poster

Toddler at a funeral?

80 replies

Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 08:42

So a relative has recently passed away and I'd really like to go to the funeral because it is someone I cared about. My entire family are attending and as a lone parent I have noone else I can leave ds with. I've recently moved area so no friends etc here yet.

Am I mad to consider bringing him and trying to sit at the door so we can leave quickly if needed and bringing some toys/colouring items? I would feel really guilty not going but equally I don't want ds to be disruptive. He's usually pretty well behaved and is happy to sit and watch what's going on but like all toddlers he has his own mind so there's no guarantee. If I can't bring him I can't go and i do feel like my lack of presence would be noted. I couldn't attend the wake as he was ill.

What would others do?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/12/2024 10:02

Nothing makes my blood boil more than being at a funeral and hearing a kid whining, fussing, crying, talking and moving around.

it just feels so disrespectful to the people around who are in so much pain in that intimate moment.

funerals aren’t a place for children who can’t sit still and quiet.

Pinkissmart · 27/12/2024 10:00

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2024 08:53

Wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral. Wrong on so many levels

Why?

Anotherfrozenpizzafortea · 27/12/2024 09:58

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2024 08:53

Wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral. Wrong on so many levels

Why?

Original poster
Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 09:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Yes but they're closed now until January. He's only a couple of weeks in so not settled properly yet.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 27/12/2024 09:30

I took a baby and toddler to a funeral in a church that laid out a play area with colouring and toys in a rear corner. It was perfect. Lots of little ones altogether and our Grandparent would have loved it! However at another relative's funeral it was appropriate to bring toddlers to the wake only because the church had no facilities, not as close a relative and the children of the deceased didn't make it clear little ones were welcome. You can hire someone from childcare.co.uk

Sitting at the back just won't work for some children they will quite literally want to run up and down aisles/pews.

ForShyWriter · 27/12/2024 09:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 08:58

Tumbler2121 · 27/12/2024 08:54

I'd say it depends on whether the death was expected and is just part of life or whether it was unexpected/shocking.

Kids at an older person's funeral can be a welcome addition to the company.

Sounds like it would be good to take yours, you've shown that you are aware that if child gets fed up pacify them or leave the room! Also, if all of your family is there I'd assume that you'll have plenty of help there.

This person was older and it was some time coming. My guess is that their grandchildren will also be there some of whom are young but I'm not sure.

OP posts:
KneesUnder · 27/12/2024 08:58

Depends on lots of things including the circumstances of the death and the feelings of the immediate family. You won’t get a good definite answer on MN.

PicaK · 27/12/2024 08:57

You go to the funeral primarily to support the people who are most grief stricken - usually partners, parents, children. Secondary are your feelings about the person that died.
Will your presence (you and your child) be a comfort and support to the main mourner?
If not stay home. Write beautiful cards and send them to all the main mourners. Especially if they're adult children.

Original poster
Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 08:56

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 08:53

I think it's fine as long as you are being truthful about their usual behaviour and are genuinely prepared to sit close to an exit and leave if they become noisy.

I would not have taken my DS to a funeral as a toddler as it would have had disaster written all over it in bright pink highlighter.

You know your own child, their limits and their likely reactions.

He is a really good child and when we're out for coffee etc he's quite happy to sit and people watch and he does go to my church with my parents sometimes and behaves well there. Usually we just bring a quiet toy and break it out when he starts to get bored. But he's just turned 2 and has a mind of his own now more than ever so I can't say he'll sit there and be silent either!

OP posts:
teacoffeeorpassthegin · 27/12/2024 08:55

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2024 08:53

Wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral. Wrong on so many levels

Curious as to why?

I would definitely take your toddler. Mine went to my grandparents funeral. People liked having a child there to lighten the mood

Onacuctustree · 27/12/2024 08:55

I have taken toddlers to both my grandmother and my Fathers funerals.
Both times I had DH on notice. If the toddler played up, he was to take them out. The only thing that happened was my youngest bonked his head on a pew.. made a terrible noise,but he was fine.

In your situation I would take them and sit near an exit.

I have to say that having a toddler around was actually a good thing. It makes for a conversation that isn't just about how sad everyone is.
Especially if they are directly related to the deceased.

Best of luck.

Divebar2021 · 27/12/2024 08:55

I don’t see the problem with it if the funeral is for an older person ( as opposed to a child). My DD was that kind of age when my MIL died and we took her to the service and the crematorium. ( we wouldn’t have had any childcare at all). We were very lucky that MIL was a church goer and the church was very full and a very kind Sunday school lady took her to the back for us during the service and played with her in a play area that was set up.

Werecat · 27/12/2024 08:54

I’ve taken babies and toddlers to funerals. Just sit near the door so you can make a rapid exit if you need to.

Tumbler2121 · 27/12/2024 08:54

I'd say it depends on whether the death was expected and is just part of life or whether it was unexpected/shocking.

Kids at an older person's funeral can be a welcome addition to the company.

Sounds like it would be good to take yours, you've shown that you are aware that if child gets fed up pacify them or leave the room! Also, if all of your family is there I'd assume that you'll have plenty of help there.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2024 08:53

I think it's fine as long as you are being truthful about their usual behaviour and are genuinely prepared to sit close to an exit and leave if they become noisy.

I would not have taken my DS to a funeral as a toddler as it would have had disaster written all over it in bright pink highlighter.

You know your own child, their limits and their likely reactions.

TheaBrandt · 27/12/2024 08:53

Wouldn’t take a toddler to a funeral. Wrong on so many levels

Original poster
Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 08:53

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/12/2024 08:48

I took my 2 year old to my grandmother’s funeral at my grandfather’s request. It was fine.

Check with the deceased’s closest relatives. Sit close to the door so you can extract them if needed. A compromise might be to skip the funeral and just attend the wake.

In our case the wake has already been held and I missed it as ds was unwell.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 27/12/2024 08:52

Ask whoever is organising the funeral if it’s OK to bring your toddler. I’d be surprised if there’s a problem - most people are very pleased to have little ones around, so long as they’re not disruptive.

Original poster
Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 08:52

HPandthelastwish · 27/12/2024 08:43

You need a babysitter, unless that person was a close relative to your toddler which it doesn't sound like they were .

I have no access to a baby sitter having just moved and knowing noone but family. They normally do my childcare or ds is at nursery but with the holidays nursery is closed and my family will be attending. I wouldn't be comfortable leaving ds with a stranger anyway especially not at short notice.

OP posts:
CitiesInDust · 27/12/2024 08:51

Can you ask the closest family if they would rather you plus child or not?

KevinAndTracy · 27/12/2024 08:51

I would speak to the family member(s) who were closest to the deceased and who are organising the funeral and ask how they would feel about you attending with a toddler

It is their opinion that matters

BogRollBOGOF · 27/12/2024 08:50

Sit by a door a the back, take quiet colouring. Step outside if needed.

Rocknrollstar · 27/12/2024 08:49

Provided they don’t disrupt the service people are often pleased to see young. Holden at a funeral as it changes the atmosphere.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/12/2024 08:48

I took my 2 year old to my grandmother’s funeral at my grandfather’s request. It was fine.

Check with the deceased’s closest relatives. Sit close to the door so you can extract them if needed. A compromise might be to skip the funeral and just attend the wake.